Journal of my heart

Today starts a new journey for me. Over seven year free from shame and guilt. I get to sing. And sing at the house of prayer. I get to give my gift to you with nothing hindering. God thank you for your long suffering with me. You have truly suffered LONG with me. You have given me your grace, you have lifted me up from the pit, the miry clay! There is no one like you. No one. I am no longer bound to sin or to shame. To wonder should I, could I, what if and what about. I just have you to cling to. Nothing more! Nothing less! Just you!

I am gazing at you and running to the throne room wishing I could take back all the hesitation and fear. But you see my heart. You told me. “I see it all and I know it all.” You sent my husband home to help me. And it saved my life. I thought at one time I could do it all on my own. I thought I had to. It wasn’t even a fault of my own. It was just all I knew. But you set my heart free. To dream and desire and to test your delight. You delight to give us the desires of our hearts. And I questioned that delight. I accused myself even. I tried to negotiate your delight away. But you also have desires. You have calls and destiny’s. I had to test it. I had to question it. After meeting with grief and devastation. I had to test you. I want to apologize for doing it but at the same time I had to know. I had to know if these words were just cliche or if they were from your heart.

You have truly chased me down and now I know. Now I know the Father. Who “knows the plans He has for me.” And I know you will bless me if I obey. And you will test me if I don’t. The pressure I have been under has been intense and I caved under it. If only I had just obeyed earlier. But I learned so much in the midst of it. I want to be under your covering. Not outside of it. Not far from you thinking I am close or thinking you are disappointed. I drawing closer, leaning into you and finding you safe and peaceful. God translate that peace to my soul. Give me your rest. I long to be with you. To lean into your everlasting arms. There is no one like you.

God let this season change us forever. People may think this is dramatic and will be short lived but I am ready to give all and to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I know my mom is cheering me on, fighting for me to be myself. You sent her in a dream last year to tell me. Thank you! It was so good to see her face. I remember after she died when I asked you to take away the dreams of her because the grief was so painful. But when you did I regretted it.

I am giving you my life and my love. All of my affections. I am yielding to you my mind. My busy mind. You know how challenging it is to slow it down. But I give it to you. I lean on your Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me. Let this radical love heal the deep places of my heart. I love you! I love you! I love you! Nothing can take that away. That is forever.

Help me to write again. Give me time, capacity, and an obedient heart. Help me to do all you have asked. Lord thank you for your grace that gives it all. You have friends here. You are worthy of it all! I give you my life! I surrender my song to you!

I believe in what I can not see! I believe that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life! No one comes to the Father except through Him. (John 14:7) The only way! No doubt about it! And my life has been forever changed by this man! Thank you God! This is the prayer of my heart! In Jesus’ name Amen!

*To watch today go to at 8pm central time.