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praise

“And WHEN they began to sing and praise, the LORD set an ambush against the men of…” (2Chr. 20:22)!! When they began to praise, sing, give thanks, to declare “Give thanks to the Lord, for his steadfast love endures FOREVER!” When, WHEN, when, WHEN, when, when!!!!! When we begin, when we decide to praise, make a choice, get up, get movin!! When we praise He responds. He reacts, and sets ambush against our enemies!! Its a powerful interaction, I just tried it, thanking him, inviting him to come and make sense of my heart. 

Instead of praise I will try to figure it out, or I will climb up on my emotional wall and look down and get scared! FREAK OUT!! (wasn’t that a song?) Anyways, the power of praise, telling my soul, L-E-T-S-G-O, let’s go, let’s go.. lets praise God!! Let the worshippers go first, see what happens!! 
What does this change in me, well it shows that what I really need lives on the inside of me! Christ in me, He dwells within me and all I have to do is acknowledge him, and thank him and my peace changes… i can really trust that he’s got me and its gonna be okay! It sounds cheesy but what it looks like in my life is being real and telling God my hurts, my fears, my joys, my challenges, walking hand and hand with him even when i don’t like him or don’t understand whats going on. He takes first place, best friend status for sure!! I feel like he is doing a really deep work in my heart and praise is like a way to speed up the process and not get mad when it hurts. Just to remind my heart who He is and why He is good!! 
Here is a new line to one of my songs I think will become a song! 
“Mystery talker come and speak to me, untold stories and things unseen!” Thats a fun one, anyways have a great day… TBC… 
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hey soul

I was reading in Psalm 42 today and realized some things. I need time to poke around in my heart and see what’s really there. It says “Why are you cast down, O MY soul?…” So its my soul, my job, my responsibility not anyone else’s to look at and deal with.  I am the steward over my own soul, the gatekeeper, I decide what goes in and what comes out. I have too often expected others to find what’s wrong with me and fix it. Or even wanting God to just fix me, but I don’t want to do the leg work of finding out what’s really going on and talk to him about it. And then next week I still feel down cast about the same thing. A new chorus I have been singing..”let’s talk about my heart, let’s talk about the hard things, let’s talk about the fears inside of me.” In other words, hey soul lets get to work so we can get free from the fear. I often talk a lot but not about what is really going on. Then it all builds and builds and builds and whoa… explosion!! Not good! I can’t pour my heart out to the Lord for real if I haven’t given my heart/soul a good thorough looking at? What if I don’t even know what is wrong, I have to be intentional with Michelle, she’s worth the time and talk!! Its a different way to look at quiet times or processing. I have to let the word have its way with me right! But I have to do my part! 

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what’s hard

being real, holidays away from “home”, friendships, schedules, discipline, loving people, boundaries, patience, forgiveness, singing from my heart, honesty, MONEY, trusting God, emotions, getting hurt, being vulnerable, losing my mom and thinking about christmas, being still, believing what he says about me, avoiding this blog because i don’t wanna talk about what is hard…

his love is what is really hard for me to understand, i squirm when I lean into the thought that he really loves me and sees me as pure and blameless. its true. “As the Father has loved me, so He loves you, abide in this love.” or chew on this, camp out in this, believe this is true, trust me its hard but its true. what if i believed he loved me this way, what if I abided in it, stood on it, trusted in his word. how would that change my relationships, my emotions, my attitudes, my belief that i am burden to people, my orphan spirit, my rejection, my grief, my downs and my ups. 
i think of david, he was intensely emotional and he went after the one thing his smooshy heart wanted and that was the Lord. He was called the “man after God’s own heart.” and yet he was not the most stable person in the world. he messed up, but he knew forgiveness, he knew repentance, he knew getting back up and the unchanging nature of God’s heart. he knew how to worship, gut level praise that stirs emotion and love in God’s heart, he took the names of God and made them real to his heart. more than that he was a son. and he knew it. that knowledge of the love of God, of our sonship is what really can change us. until i understand something i am not on board with it, but once i do understand, i am your girl!! 
so i want to stop pretending i get it and admit, man i still don’t understand that he loves me, he has a plan for me, his thoughts for me are more than the sand on the seashore, he is healing my heart, he loves the sound of my voice, and he is on a journey in my heart. fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom, here we go! intimacy is wisdom, it is the smartest thing we can do, to give him time, to listen to his voice, to believe what he says, to soak in the word and chew on his repetition, even when its hard, and i don’t want to stay and work out the kinks, i have a yes, i have a yes, i had a no for a while, and now i have a yes again, i keep working on that yes, and being real, thats my promise, to just keep saying it like it is, ahhh its hard, i have always been such a people pleaser, being who i thought people wanted me to be, i can’t do it anymore, i am tired, “finally” right!!! so exciting, so scary, anyways here i go, did i tell you about the song i wrote called “for me”… probably… anyways the chorus goes

“My life is like a trail of your thoughts..” I think I am just going to jump on that path and start walking!!