break the silence

Too many days have gone by since I last wrote a blog but here I am. I am thankful for this space and have known since 2008 that God wanted me to write and has continued to invite me to write. There are so many voices in the world right now I count it a privilege if you find yourself reading these words. 

233 days ago we lost our little Abigail Ann. She was only 8 weeks only in my womb, but she was ours. It’s not that I have been living under a blanket since then, honestly life has barely stopped. She was due December 8th and today she would be just over 5 weeks old. I do long to hold her and to see her Daddy and older siblings delight over her little self. The sting is still there. But as I said in my last post this grief has been different than other losses I have experienced. I am more at peace than I have ever been that God decides the number of days here on earth. I debated on sharing this story about her. But I feel like it is not just my story. 

One night this past October as I was on stage singing with my worship team at IHOPKC I heard the Lord clearly say to me. “Abigail, Abigail.” It was very clear and loud but not audible. I paused what I was doing and rested to hear what else He would say. It honestly took my breath away to hear the Lord say her voice. Stephen named her so it wasn’t a word of the Lord to name her that. The next thing I heard Him say has probably changed me the most in this season. “She sees me fully!” Wow, yes she does! In my world we pray often to “see the beauty of the Lord.” as Psalm 27 says. We say “you become what you behold.” And yes that rings true especially with our screen time. I felt God show me that we don’t really completely know what we are asking for when we pray a now common prayer. “Lord, reveal your beauty to me, I want to see you!” But that night He told me what Abigail sees and how He wanted her with Him. 

It set me on a short season of grief related to losing her. Up until that point I had not focused at all on how pregnant I was supposed to be. But as December crept closer it was hard not to think about it. I believe He was forcing me to grieve and come to some deeper healing related to losing her. And on another evening of worship we sang a song with a line about how God sets the days of our lives. It struck me that He set her life at 56 days. And for that I can say Yes and surrender to His Lordship. I can agree. And yet I will still praise you my God and King! That is my hearts cry! 

We have been in a whirlwind lately that is unlike any other season I have ever experienced. We are remodeling my Dad’s house that He left to us. We also were finishing up the probate process with that house (I do not highly recommend this and request you do everything in your power to get a beneficiary deed to your house and Transfer on Death on your titles for your vehicles) almost two years later). At the same time we spent this last three months prepping our current house to sell. The house we spent our whole marriage and baby raising in. And as we were almost set to sell Stephen got a shoulder surgery he should have gotten 20 years ago when he badly hurt his shoulder in a skate boarding incident. Are we crazy? Nope. Maybe just a little. 

And we want to try for another little Wick baby! Two of my friends just had their rainbow babies (babies after loss) and one other friend is due next week. So there is a lot of HOPE in the air for it to happen! Revival is in the air friends! Have you been medicating your pain? I know I have ran to overeating and sweets during this past season of extra stress. Ugh! Not proud at all. Just need to take a breath and recalibrate myself! Come on Michelle! Come on and run to Jesus! You know where you belong. Sit at His feet! Read His word! Let Him remind you of who He says you are! He is way more faithful than cookie butter ice cream! 

If you have been around my words or life for very long you might know that in 2006 my mom was hit and killed by a sleeping driver and T-boned. 50 years old. Not enough days with us at all! I was 25, single, and on furlough in the states from my YWAM/missions gig in Australia. I felt like I had been snapped in half. That grief made my chest hurt. I had a broken heart for years. At times it was oppressive. I did not really know how live and move on. I tried working hard and being the one who picked up all the pieces. I tried just laying around and resting and “taking care of myself.” I found myself in a few different ministries in 2007 that finally led me here to KC and to the house of prayer. What is the most crazy is that my mom had actually found IHOPKC just after she found YWAM and had kind of regretted sending me to YWAM. She knew it would be hard for me to switch once I had traveled to the nations. But when she found the prayer room its like she knew where I belonged. In all honesty even when I was single I had one foot in the prayer room and one foot out. It takes a lot of effort to actually get your butt in the chairs there. But I highly recommend it. For over 23 years now there is a place on earth where worship and prayer has NEVER stopped. It is a bright light in the midst of a lot of darkness. 

It took me three years to agree with the Lord and come back and sing. I honestly just did not even know how to leave my babies. Its not like a leave for a long time. But it has been such a grace to me to sing again in the prayer room. I share about it not to brag or to try to convert someone to prayer but to share this small miracle of my mother’s prayers. This full circle that has happened in my life. I have been here in KC for over 13 years now. I wish I would have just come in 2006 after my mom died and just grieved here in this room. But I am a process. I am still healing. I am still learning. Even at 42. Lord help me. I am slow to obey and slow to listen. But I could not be more grateful for getting to sing. To sing over the nations and to interceded knowing He moves at the sound of our voices. 

Now my momma, Connie, she could pray! Her fellow prayer warriors called her “the Bulldog!” She would grab ahold of the hem of His garment and not let go! Such a powerful legacy to walk in and to pass on to my children. Thank you Lord! Actually the last day I spent with my mom before she died was at a prayer event in the GPS center of the United States on 6-6-06. We drove a literal stake into the ground there and claimed the youth of America for Jesus. I guess this is originally how God got me to stay in America! Put your money where your mouth is! Or be careful what you ask for! I didn’t honestly mean to share about my mom this time but it feels good to share a tiny bit of her story. I totally believe she would be here with us had she lived. But then again if she had lived I am not sure if I would have gotten here either. Regardless here I am! And I am a life that has been changed by the mercy and grace of Jesus. I have not lived a perfect life or made all the right choices. But I can say I have made the changes I need to in order to walk righteous before God. And He delights in the righteous one. 

Let’s lift our voices together and find ways to talk about Him today and to Him. Let’s break the silence and get into our secret place and read His word and say it to Him. Even sing it to Him. Help us Lord be the ones who you say we are! Here we are God, have your way!