His word

Let not your heart be troubled…

Do not worry about your life…

Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart…

These scriptures, short phrases have been my meditation for over the past year. Like waves over my heart and mind. They have been become a standard or lense that I see everything through. Simple and completely necessary for a heart like mine. Easy to jump to the negative outcome or worry about what people may think. I steadied my heart on these words over and over. A situation would happen and I would find one of these phrases echoing in myself. Does my response align? Honestly I have wanted a “system” or routine for the tangled heart I own for years. Kind of like organizing your house. I have tried it all. I know singing these phrases helped. But mostly I just stayed here day after day. Month after month.

A fear would come up or a hard situation and I would find myself worrying. Nope. Do not worry about your life. Okay but…nope do not worry about your life. But but…Michelle let not your heart be troubled. Like digging a trench for my heart. This is where I am going to living. Right here. Too many years of fear. Too many wasted days with worry. You are no longer my friends or leaders. My emotions or knee jerk responses are no longer to be trusted. I am done. I surrender. God I am yours. I am just a simple girl who loves you. I don’t need elaborate understanding although I have learned a lot and have a degree to show for it. I am just here.

Like the song says. “I want to sit at Your feet. Drink from the cup in Your hand. Lay back against You and feel Your heart beat.” If this song were a book it would have deep creases in it from how many times I have sang it. It never gets old. Simple devotion is where it is at. You and me. Me and you. Even if I hide. Even if I try to run. You always are there. Always faithful! Unmoved by my weak love. Even touched by it. Nothing had changed there. It’s like I am 22 all over again reading these words and knowing really for the first time they are true. “You are all fair my Love.”

The time of singing has come! It’s time for love, it’s time for new life, it’s time for love, you will sing again! Let sing, write, dance, and be all that He created us to be. With eyes fixed on Him. I want to be in His eyes as one who finds peace.

i took a break

I took a break. Why? God told me too. Seems like a good reason right? Why did He do that? Well I am not completely sure. But I can see the fruit of it. I will admit, its been some of the hardest years of my life. But I would never take them back. I had just started to blog about maturity. And then boom He had me walk out all of the things I was blogging about and it was not easy!

One of the things I wrestled with a lot during this break was the word “calling.” One day my husband and I were talking about it and I got so angry and then I broke down crying. I trained for this calling, I went to bible college, I trained in missions and went overseas to walk it out. I was all in. It was my calling, my assignment. I was called to “the ministry” as they say. I have committed a lot of my time, effort, and energy into this calling. I am not trying to be mean to anyone who talks like this. In fact most people use this language and do not think anything about it. It started even in high school for me, I went forward at a missions conference. I knew God spoke to my heart to do missions, to minister to people.

To even try to put words to what has been mulling around in my heart feels pretty complicated. I used to just sit down and type for 15 minutes or so and a message or blog would just spill out. But now it feels more challenging to choose my words. That is probably a good thing though. Some deep things have healed in my heart and some other deep things have been unearthed as well.

A lot of people would call motherhood my calling now. My ministry, my disciples. I totally agree and totally disagree all at the same time. If I focus all of my energy and training just on these three precious little people I think there will be trouble. It was scary to pause sharing and singing and all that to focus on them in some ways. But I really do think that is because SO MUCH focus and pressure is put on “calling.” Depression and purposeless can come when you aren’t “doing” something for the Lord. What about those people that were in ministry full time and then had to go get a full time job to support their families. Are they out of the “will of God” making that change and no longer serving a ministry or church in that capacity. I am honestly not trying to start any fights. It’s just kind of my way of spilling out what has been churning in my heart for a couple years.

In all honesty I was actually in some ways very happy with my break. Don’t get me wrong I really love singing, leading worship, well… just singing to Jesus in general! That is my favorite! Prophe-singing over people. I just love it. So yes I miss it! But… I was pretty content in just being a momma, a wifey and taking care of my dad who has been on hospice. I was so happy to be out of under that heavy burden of trying to fulfill the assignment for God, be inside His will, or making sure I was walking out my calling. (deep sigh, wow that felt good!). I think that is all of the language of ministry that I have been detoxing from. So then, what is left. Doing none of it?? That is the teenage version of Michelle saying “Yahoo, that means I don’t have to do it anymore!!!”

Nope… after almost two years I heard that familiar whisper. See, this whisper has been my best friend since I was three years old. That’s a long time to be hearing this sweet friend. But, I have ignored Him before. I am VERY slow to obey these days. I am hesitant to get back into that mentality. Striving to please even God!

Now I don’t say that to to nullify any ministry I have done up to this point! I truly believe I have a sincere heart and desire to walk out anything that God has put in my heart. Up until now I just didn’t know how much pressure the body of Christ puts on those in ministry. So much pressure to perform, to do ministry. There can be manipulation and it can seem like you are doing something for the right reasons but in reality… blah blah blah… it seems complicated.

All I know is I am tempted to not even start again. I have been avoiding it even after He whispered. Dragging my feet basically lol. You see, its hard to put your blinders on and just do what He tells you to. Especially when there are so many pretty shiny people on the inter webs doing their thing. And when you are wrestling with why the words calling, ministry, assignment, etc… its hard to want to jump back out. Okay so I will stop rambling about this and do a video. When I do it I will link it here…

My love for God has always been constant. No matter what I “do” or “don’t do” for Him. I think that is the point of this lesson in my life! His love for me is constant too. I am so thankful for this deep work in my life! And this burden that has lifted in some ways! Now on to the next challenge. Walking it out.