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change

This title has lingered in my mind for a long while. I know it is a theme for so many things this past year. I am not even ready to really process all that it entails. We lost Abigail Ann on May 26th, 2022. Time did not stand still but I have never been the same. In so many good and hard ways. Then as life does the season changed and we suddenly went from homeschooling to private school life with drop offs and volunteering and a new group of people. I didn’t know how much I would need this but so much inside me fought this change. But yet His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways higher than my ways! So much higher. Then in almost the same breath we swung the hammers and began the long awaited DEMO!! Aka renovation on my Dad’s house. 

If you have watched any amount of Youtube or HGTV you have a thought that renovation means quick change. Nope. Not at all. Most things are much slower than you think and so much does not go as you hoped! Yeesh I was a newb and I learned so so much. Especially the hard way. Which is my speciality. Thank you Jesus that our marriage was still in tact after all that. I think if we could make it through 2019 we can make it through anything. Let the reader understand. So in October I began to box up our home for a hopeful move in around mid December so we could be living in the renovation while we sold our beloved first house! But nothing really lined up that way and the house was not ready to move into. So we prepped our house while living in it with three kiddos and a cat! Yikes! Not my favorite plan! 

Then at the end of December, Stephen had his planned shoulder surgery. I think this is like drowning and someone throwing you a baby.  So I dug in and kept pushing. Clean, declutter, care for all the people, support my husband. I am telling you it was not easy. And in the midst of it all life just kept going and going. Then praise God we sold the house just as my Dad’s house was ready enough for us to move in. It was a juggling act. But it worked out. We literally had one working toilet, a working sink, and a tub when we moved in. Thankfully by the second night we had a working shower. And all of our bedrooms were painted and ready minus closets! Still working on those closets. That was the beginning of February. What a crazy thing to just kind of look back and sit in the memory of it all! I am blown away that it all worked out! Our awesome construction team worked up until May and got all the inside of the house done minus a few things. Money wise we needed to take some time off and it just worked out that the time frame was the summer. 

So then I had all the kids home at once again. Just like old times but this time I was pregnant again. I will write more I believe about how hard the early months of this pregnancy were. It unearthed so much. But the summer was sweet. Pool time, popsicles, friends, and settling in a bit more into our new place. Then August hit like a freight train with school supplies and haircuts and memories of our first school drop offs from last year. The day after we took those “first day of school” pictures we began phase two of the Reno. I am so thankful to see the transformation happening again but it adds its own chaos. But for the first time I can see the end is in sight. Although we may have projects here and there to work on over time this part with workers in our home has an end. It almost took my breath away to realize that. This transitional feeling has been a part of my life for over a year now and I wasn’t really prepared to feel like it may have an end. 

Why am I sharing this? There are honestly so many details I am not sharing. I am mostly giving a broad stroke to the immense amount of change I have experienced this past year and I am still experiencing. I share to say. I am okay. God has taught me something this past year that honestly never knew I needed. I remember our pastor preaching a message called “The illusion of happiness.”  A couple weeks later he ended up preaching it again at a conference I attended. I had no idea how much I needed to hear this. My circumstances and emotions have pretty much kind of driven a lot of the undertone of my life. I am not sure I would have been able to tell you that cognitively. When you are a victim of your life, trying your best to make do with what you have for so long it becomes like breathing. You can ask most people that have walked through any amount of trauma. 

It really began two years ago with an invitation to “let not your heart be troubled.” And then a couple months later another layer, “Do not worry about your life.” And then these teachings last fall inviting me to break my agreement with living according to my circumstances. Then this past May “learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart.” I can not even explain how these simple invitations from the words of Jesus have changed me from the inside out. But I have drawn that line in the sand and committed to trying. And I have been simply blessed with the outcome. Change. Transformational change bit by bit deep inside me in ways I could not have done on my own. Basically these principles are my new plumb line for life. Anxiety, fear of man, and the waves of life are not going to dictate to me how to live or respond to my life. 

I am basically just grateful. And believe me these changes have been tested. At every single turn. God knows! But here I am. Not sure if it’s turning 43 or just lack of energy from pregnancy but I am not going to beat myself up for not being perfect on these principles. I just keep hearing His voice calling me to come to Him and learn from Him. I can do that. I can be gentle with myself and with others. Even as a mom. I just have to take myself out of the rat race and comparison game. I am me. I am learning how to love. I am learning how to live in this new freedom. Letting it change me bit by bit. 

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weakness

This has been my theme this past season. We got the “big sickness” on Thanksgiving this and I just could not fully get back to myself for many months after. Each month I would find myself battling a head cold. And with a full schedule of homeschool, singing, and life it was frustrating at times. I prayed and asked the Lord to heal me. Others prayed. But in the midst of it there was a sweetness. His voice cutting through the noise, His love carrying me. 

I posted something on my Instagram one day knowing that some might misunderstand. But it was a risk worth taking to share with those who feel this constant weakness. (post here) He said to me “I want you weak.” Over and over I have felt His invitation to come to Him for the answers. There is something that intimacy with God can do that Google or your best friends can not give you. It may seem ridiculous to think that God has the recipe to the meal you need to figure out tonight. But He is waiting, longing for you to come to Him with all of your needs, cares, wants, challenges. Your weakness. 

I can not tell you how deeply I feel this right now. A call to my friends, especially mommas to take our questions to God. There have been shakings. There are more to come. We have to work this weakness muscle. Not just to get answers. But to realign our hearts and minds to the source. The source of peace. The source of true love. The source of wisdom. So when we feel these tremblings and others are scrambling to find steady ground we are not shaken. We may be weak but we are rooted. 

Let Him remove the excuses for not reading your Bible or taking time to sit at His feet. Put the first things back in first place. The every day devotion that will not always be glamorous or filled with emotion experiences. But He knows what you need. His word, His voice, His leadership. Fully submitted. He might even surprise you and tell you what He sees when He looks at you. This can be your foundation of life versus your list of failures and unfulfilled expectations. 

Permission to be weak. To not have it all together but yet walk out life with joy and purpose. I can not even explain how good it feels to be in this place. Although I warn you I am so tempted to go back to pushing against this place. As if worry and anxiety will keep the world going and will solve the problems in my life. I was singing on a set last week and after a bit of worship our chorus leader, Miha, started singing out of Isaiah 40.  I had just written in my journal, “Weakness” and I had written down all of the verses in the back of my Bible’s concordance under the it. I had written that word because once again I was feeling weak and decided to turn to the Lord and acknowledge my need. He answered so quickly. 

She sang this chorus “I shall run and not be weary, I shall walk and not faint.” And then she sang an oracle about it. Then Andrew added his own song. As we sat there in this sweet moment I heard this revelation drop into my heart. I heard the Lord say that when I choose to trust Him in my weakness that is a HOLY decision. Not only does it move His heart but like intercession it brings heaven to earth. It shifts things not just in my heart, my life, my family, my home, but it shifts things on more levels here on earth than I understand. So as we soaked in that moment I felt to release it in a chorus. I heard the lyrics and melody from my heart but it seems more from Him than from me. So sweet to me. 

Here is the full moment with Miha and Andrew: https://youtu.be/F3EO-RRpxj4

Here is my chorus on it’s own: https://youtu.be/mS2ZGcKHm5k

Then last night my 3 year old woke up crying around 3am which is not usual for her. She had a bad dream about dragons and so I brought her to my bed. I realized that a song was in my heart as I comforted her. I had tried to remember the chorus I had sang on but just couldn’t get the melody locked in. But here I was at 3am in the morning and I heard the Lord singing it over me. It really was His song all along. I love when that happens. 

“When you trust Me in your weakness, your doing something holy, your bringing heaven to earth, when you let go of fear.”

I can phone a friend, I can google it, I can try to process it with a friend, I can push through and try to ignore it, but our hearts are crying out for God! The source of life that never runs dry! There is not a planner out there that can stop this weakness and need we have for Him!  Be blessed! God is with you and for you!! 

Full set from that night is here: https://www.ihopkc.org/prayerroom/#asset/event_site_68FBe1c2dE_9271_5118/auto/true

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Grief Blog – Losing my mom

Yesterday I worked on organizing all of our books. And in one of my mom’s books that I inherited from her collection I found some of her journals. She had put them in a book she was reading in January of 2006. Which was 6 months before she died. Some of the words she wrote were pretty normal for her but other things she wrote about were hard to read. So many layers of things that I am not going to go into massive detail about here but there were struggles in her marriage, in her motherhood, in her heart. There was even an email from me in the little stack of things folded into this book. It was very special to say the least to find this treasure cove. What it did for me in a big way was confirm how similar to and different from my mom. And maybe her journals can help me grow. Fifteen years later and I know this past six months for me has been about growing up, maturing, owning my past and moving on. Slowly but surely. Maturity is not about a one and done. Its a long process but you have to keep at it for it to work. I believe so many issues in our lives or arguments we get into are stunted maturity. We are clinging to our immaturity, our entitlement, our selfishness.

My mom was not a selfish person. She was a hard worker and went through so much in her life. She prayed so hard for her kids and felt deeply about everything. Wore her heart on her sleeve. My aunt reminded me the other day how “fearless” my mom was, she said “it was as if she was not afraid of anything.” I find myself quite the opposite lately. I feel to share her story and mine but I am also comfortable without having to share anything. I used to just do it. Rip the bandaid and not look back. But now as I get older I find myself more calculated and careful versus carefree.

Connie. Who was she. Losing her at 25 I feel so gipped of an actual friendship with her. Really getting to know her and what she was like. Don’t get me wrong I knew my mom and spent hours talking with her. But I mostly talked and she mostly listened. When she did talk she would say…”let’s pray!” But I know and for sure the Lord knows that there was so much more than that going on. She was 50 when she died. 50. Her year of Jubilee.

Those four pages of journal that I found revealed some deep things she was praying into. In her 50 years she saw her first husband (my dad) and her son (my brother) experience for the first time their mental illness. And then she stood alongside them while they tried to get a diagnosis and how that changed their daily life. She went through that twice. 20 years apart. I can not even imagine how she did that. I know when the second time came around she really battled. The guilt, the disillusionment, the pain. Why. And then she was gone. Just like that. When we needed her most. It seemed. Why.

And now here I am 15 years later. I honestly did not plan to go on an unraveling grief journey today. I was trying to declutter and organize our bookshelves. But God knows. He knows when its time to unravel. He knows when its time. When our hearts need it.

I got Discovery Plus two days ago and its hard to not just lay here on the couch and binge watch Magnolia Network from start to finish. I love it all. I just watched the one about Chip and his marathon. It is in honor of a professional runner named Gabe who lost her race with cancer. It really touched my heart. Before she died she started Brave like Gabe to inspire people to run and to raise money for research of rare cancer cures. I was so moved by this and the crazy way Chip met Gabe and her husband Justin. I know God was in this story for sure.

It stirred my heart to believe I can grieve through the totes of things I have from my mom’s house. I haven’t touched them in almost 15 years. I think it is time. I know its not running a marathon but its time to unlock my 25 year old heart and let her grow up. Let her fly. Maybe I will start a grieving nonprofit called PRAY LIKE CONNIE. Who knows?? She was a lover of Jesus and a marathon intercessor. I have an inheritance in her prayers like I have no idea about. I know I will be a better mom and a better wife as I learn the lessons from her journals and things. I honestly wish I had more things. But God knows and He sees it all!

My mom loved life. She cracked me up. She wanted to live it to the fullest and she didn’t even have cancer. She was taken from us in an instant with NO warning! It truly still knocks the absolute wind out of me. But I know I have a legacy in her love and deep belly laugh. She loved me big and I love to tell my kids about her. I was also reminded while I read her journals yesterday that we are not to make the dead our idols. I am certainly at times guilty of thinking of her as this perfect person. I know that is not true and I was reminded of her humanity. We can become to focused on ourselves and unaware of others. This is not my hope either as I unravel. I didn’t get to pick this season but I am going to embrace it and surrender to all God has for me in it.

http://www.michellewick.com/a-letter-to-my-mom-after-10-years-losing-my-mom-part-4