what’s hard

being real, holidays away from “home”, friendships, schedules, discipline, loving people, boundaries, patience, forgiveness, singing from my heart, honesty, MONEY, trusting God, emotions, getting hurt, being vulnerable, losing my mom and thinking about christmas, being still, believing what he says about me, avoiding this blog because i don’t wanna talk about what is hard…

his love is what is really hard for me to understand, i squirm when I lean into the thought that he really loves me and sees me as pure and blameless. its true. “As the Father has loved me, so He loves you, abide in this love.” or chew on this, camp out in this, believe this is true, trust me its hard but its true. what if i believed he loved me this way, what if I abided in it, stood on it, trusted in his word. how would that change my relationships, my emotions, my attitudes, my belief that i am burden to people, my orphan spirit, my rejection, my grief, my downs and my ups. 
i think of david, he was intensely emotional and he went after the one thing his smooshy heart wanted and that was the Lord. He was called the “man after God’s own heart.” and yet he was not the most stable person in the world. he messed up, but he knew forgiveness, he knew repentance, he knew getting back up and the unchanging nature of God’s heart. he knew how to worship, gut level praise that stirs emotion and love in God’s heart, he took the names of God and made them real to his heart. more than that he was a son. and he knew it. that knowledge of the love of God, of our sonship is what really can change us. until i understand something i am not on board with it, but once i do understand, i am your girl!! 
so i want to stop pretending i get it and admit, man i still don’t understand that he loves me, he has a plan for me, his thoughts for me are more than the sand on the seashore, he is healing my heart, he loves the sound of my voice, and he is on a journey in my heart. fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom, here we go! intimacy is wisdom, it is the smartest thing we can do, to give him time, to listen to his voice, to believe what he says, to soak in the word and chew on his repetition, even when its hard, and i don’t want to stay and work out the kinks, i have a yes, i have a yes, i had a no for a while, and now i have a yes again, i keep working on that yes, and being real, thats my promise, to just keep saying it like it is, ahhh its hard, i have always been such a people pleaser, being who i thought people wanted me to be, i can’t do it anymore, i am tired, “finally” right!!! so exciting, so scary, anyways here i go, did i tell you about the song i wrote called “for me”… probably… anyways the chorus goes

“My life is like a trail of your thoughts..” I think I am just going to jump on that path and start walking!! 

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