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Today starts a new journey for me. Over seven year free from shame and guilt. I get to sing. And sing at the house of prayer. I get to give my gift to you with nothing hindering. God thank you for your long suffering with me. You have truly suffered LONG with me. You have given me your grace, you have lifted me up from the pit, the miry clay! There is no one like you. No one. I am no longer bound to sin or to shame. To wonder should I, could I, what if and what about. I just have you to cling to. Nothing more! Nothing less! Just you!

I am gazing at you and running to the throne room wishing I could take back all the hesitation and fear. But you see my heart. You told me. “I see it all and I know it all.” You sent my husband home to help me. And it saved my life. I thought at one time I could do it all on my own. I thought I had to. It wasn’t even a fault of my own. It was just all I knew. But you set my heart free. To dream and desire and to test your delight. You delight to give us the desires of our hearts. And I questioned that delight. I accused myself even. I tried to negotiate your delight away. But you also have desires. You have calls and destiny’s. I had to test it. I had to question it. After meeting with grief and devastation. I had to test you. I want to apologize for doing it but at the same time I had to know. I had to know if these words were just cliche or if they were from your heart.

You have truly chased me down and now I know. Now I know the Father. Who “knows the plans He has for me.” And I know you will bless me if I obey. And you will test me if I don’t. The pressure I have been under has been intense and I caved under it. If only I had just obeyed earlier. But I learned so much in the midst of it. I want to be under your covering. Not outside of it. Not far from you thinking I am close or thinking you are disappointed. I drawing closer, leaning into you and finding you safe and peaceful. God translate that peace to my soul. Give me your rest. I long to be with you. To lean into your everlasting arms. There is no one like you.

God let this season change us forever. People may think this is dramatic and will be short lived but I am ready to give all and to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I know my mom is cheering me on, fighting for me to be myself. You sent her in a dream last year to tell me. Thank you! It was so good to see her face. I remember after she died when I asked you to take away the dreams of her because the grief was so painful. But when you did I regretted it.

I am giving you my life and my love. All of my affections. I am yielding to you my mind. My busy mind. You know how challenging it is to slow it down. But I give it to you. I lean on your Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me. Let this radical love heal the deep places of my heart. I love you! I love you! I love you! Nothing can take that away. That is forever.

Help me to write again. Give me time, capacity, and an obedient heart. Help me to do all you have asked. Lord thank you for your grace that gives it all. You have friends here. You are worthy of it all! I give you my life! I surrender my song to you!

I believe in what I can not see! I believe that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life! No one comes to the Father except through Him. (John 14:7) The only way! No doubt about it! And my life has been forever changed by this man! Thank you God! This is the prayer of my heart! In Jesus’ name Amen!

*To watch today go to https://www.ihopkc.org/prayerroom/ at 8pm central time.

I am an artist. But the funniest thing about that statement is that I never knew it until the past year or so. I have sang since I can remember but that word never crossed my mind. I was classically trained in voice and piano and flute for that matter and it honestly didn’t seem like a very artistic thing. It was more about perfecting what I was taught to match and create beautiful music in the process. I have always loved it. But here is a funny story about me.

My grandma (my dad’s mom) would pick me up after she got off work and take me home for the weekend. When I was younger she would take both my brother and I but once we got a little older we got to go by ourselves for the whole weekend. I would dig around in her car as we drove and find her snow sweeper thingy. I would pretend to play it and make up songs. It is such a sweet memory for me because she has now gone to be with Jesus. But also because I didn’t start playing the guitar until I was 25. I was the singer. That was the thing I knew how to do. The thing I could do well. I stuck to that. There were enough people who wanted to play the guitar while I sang the songs. I also knew all the words to all the songs! So we were a great team. I did not need to play the guitar. Nope. No need. So those songs from little Michelle got all locked up. My words were captured in a space of time that I could not access. But my Grandma knew.  You should have seen her face when she first got to see me play and sing at the same time. She knew the little Michelle and her desire to sing her songs.

But until I was 25 it was just SO safe to sing other people’s songs. But there is another problem with that situation. God gave me a beautiful voice. It is mine to steward but it was His first. I didn’t have to take voice lessons and try really hard. I just opened my mouth. It is a gift He gave to me. So I bear that weight on my shoulders. What am I going to do with it? The summer I turned 25 I was on a outreach as a staff member with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) staffing a School of Worship (SOW). One night we need to split our team into two groups and lead worship at two different churches. I was given the task of leading one of the teams. So I sat down with our song binder and waited on the Lord. “God, what do you want me to sing tonight!” I immediately had a picture of me leading worship with a guitar in front of a lot of people. I was instantly convicted. “Okay God. I will learn to play the guitar.”  The funniest part of this for me was that for years people had been asking me. “Michelle, when are you going to play an instrument while you lead worship?” I hadn’t needed to because there was always a willing person to play. And it wasn’t really that popular as it is now for the leader to have to play while they sang. But I would always say “when God tells me to learn to play I will.” Ha! Don’t worry I am not one of those miraculous people who strapped on a guitar that night on outreach and could play the guitar by divine intervention. I would have loved to have been given that gift. But no. I had to learn. Slow and steady. I would not even consider myself a good guitar player. But I get the job done almost 13 years later.

The biggest issue or maybe blessing with learning the guitar is that it gave me an avenue for my own words that had been locked up for 25 years to come spilling out. It gave me a VOICE. I started to sing my own words or add my own melodies to Scripture (one of my favorite things to do). I remember my first song was from Psalm 86.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
¹² I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.

It was a beautiful day and I took the three chords I was taught on that outreach after I had that vision of me playing. I slowly played, struggling to transition while I sang and I sang through the Scripture and made up my own little song.

The next day we had a meeting at our YWAM base and I felt God nudge me “go up on the stage and play your song.” “WHATTTTTTT???? No way. I just learned how to play these three chords. That is not even a real song. Please God no.”  “Go.” So I went. And I still remember that song to this day. I will post it on my Youtube sometime soon I promise. Then you can hear it too. Those melodies were mine. No one else wrote them. And I still didn’t see myself as an artist. But God had another thought about that. He had been waiting to hear my voice. I had been singing for years and I know it touched his heart but there is something about when we sing our song to His heart. Even if we do not consider ourselves a good singer at all. He longs to hear our voice. It’s kind of like fingerprints. There is no other voice just like yours. None. So if you don’t sing your song. No one will. It will just not ever happen. God longs for it. He beckons it to happen. I will never regret the years I spent singing His word to him in the house of prayer and part of me longs for it again. (but I also love my babies!!) But good news. You do not need a prayer room, a worship team, or even a guitar to sing to God. Just you, Him, His word, and time. Thats it. Easier said than done. Honestly its nice to just read what I am writing and be reminded myself.

Another interesting part about being an “artist” is that it is VUNERABLE. It takes guts. To do something different, new, created by you. You are unique and special, created for a specific purpose. No one can take your place. And when you do that thing it is vulnerable. People have so many opinions. Really, we have opinions about ourselves. We don’t even really need anyone else to stop us. We will stop ourselves. “No that’s dumb, I don’t need to do it, she is already doing it.” And so on and so on. But what about you? Who will sing your song? Who will release your voice, your thoughts? It is hard. I won’t pretend like it isn’t.

I remember the first time I sang on a team at the house of prayer. They threw me into “the deep end” on a set with the whole staff there. It was only about 100 people but it was still intimidating as the new person. They take a scripture and sing about it. Like a singing bible study or devotional. Instead of saying the thoughts you have about a passage or paraphrasing it for more understanding. You will sing your thoughts or interpretation in short phrases while other singers join in. There are a lot of mechanics to it too. The hardest part for me honestly was the singing. I know shocking right. Me. The singer. That was thing I was supposed to be able to do. BUT NO!!!! I opened my mouth and it was all wonky, missing notes, squawking a bit. It was crazy. I was so embarrassed. I felt set up. This was so new to me and hard. It was like learning to play the guitar all over again. Ahhh! It did not make me excited to do it again. All my years in choir, band, and singing worship songs I knew. That was safe. My happy place.

Thankfully I pushed through the initial struggle with it. It helps that each time I sang with the house of prayer it was for two hours. Gives you a lot of time to practice. And I realized that I was the only one that cared about how bad I sounded. No one was paying attention to my drama! So I grew up a bit in that too. I started growing in confidence in singing the word with other people and I grew to love it. I found out who I was in it. I found my voice. And I wrote some songs. The songs on my new CD were actually written before I even embarked on my house of prayer journey. They were two chord/three chord songs as I processed the grief of losing my mom. In fact before I showed up to the recording studio the first day of planning for my CD I was freaking out. The voices in my head said “these are not real songs, you don’t even know how to play the guitar.” But when I got there and shared them I knew they were real and they were mine. And guess what? There are more!

So there is power in being you. There is maturity in realizing that  no one else can do it for you. And that God has you here, right now for a reason. A reason that no one else can fulfill. Ask Him what it is. Don’t be surprised if He answers.

My biggest awkwardness now is figuring out how to sing the word with my boys. But you know what. After writing this tonight I think its time to figure it out. I have done it. I have tried to pull out the guitar. IF you have been around 1 or 3 year olds you know exactly what happens. They wanna play it. So let it be. But I am gonna sing. The end.

Stop looking and seeing people singing, speaking, doing the thing that He asked you to do and saying “well I guess I don’t need to do it then.” That is not a reason to STOP. Its hard. I will be honest. Seeing other people doing what you feel to do. It can feel discouraging and you want to compare yourself. You don’t to stick your neck out there and be vulnerable. Ask God if you can not do what He asked you do because you can see that its already covered. I am not sure He will care for your excuses. I am not sure they will matter much to Him. He wants your voice, your songs, your thoughts, your service. What is burning on your heart. Make it known. Keep your eyes on the Lord. What else matters really. At the end of the day. Nothing else. His love is the fuel for your obedience. Then you get the peace. “Look Lord I did it. I did it all for you. I poured it all out. Even when I was scared. I did something I never knew I could do and I did it for you!” And that is what growing up is like. It’s hard. It feels awkward. But its builds history, it writes stories. God sees it all and knows it all. Nothing is wasted. Even if NO ONE understands. He knows. He sees. So do not lose heart.

What would happen if someone “bugged” your house? Like microphones and all that. They were listening but you didn’t know it. What would they hear you say? Would you be embarrassed? Would you be proud of yourself? Are you behaving?

I have thought of this several times this past year and knew that I personally would be embarrassed of what would be recorded and heard. In this past year I have felt very exhausted for multiple reasons and my mouth (often spoken of as my greatest blessing and my greatest curse) runs rampant when I am “tired!!” I made a conscious goal in my heart that I wanted to treat those in my house better than those that I see outside my house. I wanted to behave better at home than in public. If being home is permission to behave badly then I have a very skewed view of love, commitment, and family.  But, for reals, there is this unspoken clause in my subconscious that says its okay to “let loose” at home with those who love me most. That is where I am safe, where I am most forgiven, and so when my guard is down I love big!! And then I also misbehave. big.  I take my stress out on my husband and often my kiddos. Its not like I do it completely on purpose but it has caused me to re-evaluate why I do what I do.

I am not talking about being perfect. I promise I do not expect that from myself anymore. Because honestly that is IMPOSSIBLE. I have spent the better part of the past year trying to understand that fact. And it has helped so much. But I wanted to take it to another level. I wanted to see if I was the only one. Something has told us that we get to “be ourselves,” “let go,” and “get it off our shoulders” in these intimate relationships inside our home. We get to respond more harshly or vulnerably because they are our “family.” But I would venture to say that is a sign of immaturity and selfishness. I get to say “no” to myself and find more constructive ways to process my thoughts and feelings. But in the moment it is so hard.

Sing this to yourself. “Growing up is hard to do!” Because it is. Choosing to love those that live in your home and consider them above yourself is hard but you will reap the rewards. If you have given all that kind of love to everyone else outside your home and you have nothing left to give your family that is another issue altogether. We need to have boundaries with our energy. Your family doesn’t deserve to punished for your exhaustion and lack of saying no. I know I am preaching to the choir here of course. But I am taking a minute this year to do some soul searching and cancel my pity party. How can I love my three men more this year. I know I won’t always ACE that test but I know for a fact I can do MUCH better. I can behave better than I have and say no to the mentality that home is where I get to act however the wind blows that day.

^{Philippians  2:3-4 3} Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

I feel like we excel at doing this when people are watching or listening.  But in reality someone is always watching and listening. He is the teacher, leader, and helper in these times where we are tempted to “let loose!” He inviting us to ask for help and then we can excel in doing this in our homes, minivans, and when things are working out the way we thought. We get to behave and then we have peace in these relationships where God does His best work!

My very first CD, “Untold Stories” was released on November 15th, 2017! The response was so encouraging to my heart! I am so excited to get this music into your hands and ears to strengthen your walk and lift up your heart!

The first song, “Believe” came out of the season of grief after I lost my mom to a sudden car accident in 2006. She was such a huge part of my faith, life, and basically my best friend when I lost her. I was 25, single, and had just returned to America after two year working in missions overseas. She was my grounding in the world and in an instant she was gone. I felt so challenged to sing after I lost her. I sensed that God promised healing if I would do one of the most painful things I could think of. Sing. Seems so simple but that act of obedience was the most challenging one in my life to that date. So I would pick up my guitar and play the few chords I knew and I would sing. Sometimes I would sing a scripture that I felt in my heart and other times I would just let words come out of my heart. This song was one of those. After tragedy we often find ourselves questioning our faith, pushing against the God that we once simply trusted. I was honestly surprised that I found my grief drawing me closer to God not further away.

When I was a little girl my mom taught me to talk to God. I would get up in the night scared in my room and my mom told me to tell Jesus when I was scared. This began an innocent friendship with Him that continues to this day. God I am scared, God I am sad, God I need help. My prayers poured out year after year. Our conversations have always been my strength in hard times and biggest JOY in the good ones. I think in that moment my mom gave me the greatest gift she could have given me in life. Friendship with God. And that is exactly what helped me through the hardest time in my life. Losing my mom. So in this song I pour out all that I have. My belief. My faith. My hope. God it is yours. You can have it all. All of my heart. All of me. No matter what happens. I will continue to be your friend. I will continue to believe you. Even in my darkest time. The things that I thought would shake me the most. I still believe You!! That is what tumbled out of my heart one day. And as I sang that song my resolved strengthened.

I hope and pray that you feel encouraged in your resolve despite hardship and that you also find a friend in God. He has been my closest confidant in the midst of the biggest storms of my life.  And it all began with my mom stepping out in faith to teach my little heart. And that made a BIG difference!

Want to listen for yourself? Here are a couple links to help you!

iTunes        Amazon

Buy a physical copy? michellewick.com/product

Interested in reading more about my grief process? Here are the blogs I wrote in 2016 about it. The 10 year anniversary of her death.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Have you ever just wanted everything to fall into perfection? I understand that feeling. The success you feel when every single thing works out “just right!” That is mostly not normal life. I have been noticing that more and more as I get older. That expectation often leads to disappointment and frustration! 

I have spent the better part of the past year getting free from a false standard in my head that is not attainable for me.  In the midst of the that freedom I have found myself rising to accomplish things that I never thought possible! I lost weight, I forgave, I laughed more, and I avoided a lot of anxiety attacks. Releasing myself from having to be “perfect” was the very best thing I could have done. Even as I set out to release my CD there is nothing about it that could even be remotely perfect. Its been four years since I recorded it, I have two small children, I have a terminally ill father, and a challenging situation with my brother.  I don’t even personally have the band-width to “have it all together!”

I remember a day in my childhood when I realized last minute that I had a 4-H talk to give that night. My mom and I scrambled to pull together a talk about edible play dough. I think my mom was rather impressed that we got it read in time but the “honest engine” that I was told every one during my talk that we had just “pulled it together that night.” She was obviously embarrassed later when she told me that “we don’t have to tell everyone everything.” My response was “why not?”

We are set up in this world to worry constantly about what people think, what they might think, or trying to avoid them thinking about it all together. We are plagued by their maybe opinions, whoever “they” are.  You actually might know who “they” are. They have already made their opinions known and very apparent. Maybe a kid at school years ago who said you were fat, or a coworker you overhead talking about you negatively, or a fight with your sibling who said all the awful things you feared. We are not defined by these moments. We are not defined by the likes on our posts or the lack thereof. In the stillness there is an opinion that is spoken and that is honestly the opinion that has been changing my life for years. These quiet moments, when I let myself slow down and listen, these are the things that change me. More recently I have heard Him say that I am “precious”… this is not a word I have labeled myself with before.  I have many other opinions of myself.  So I let that word affect me. Precious. Cherished. Loved. Wanted. Seen. Known. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I am still in process. But through that whole process I am precious and loved. There is something about that knowledge that changes how I live, how I go into my day. But then I forget and I try to control. All because I still believe it HAS to be perfect. It has to fall into the lines of life and leak into the outsides. No spilling over here or… or what? What will happen if its not always perfect? Someone will find out that I don’t have it all together? Well I guess then now they have permission to ALSO not be perfect. There. Now we have fixed the worlds problems. Giving each other permission. Permission to be themselves.

Permission granted. Just be you. See what happens. Because we are all in process!

We are still customizing and setting up michellewick.com. Thank you for your patience! In the future this is where you can find updates and blog posts. As well as purchase my new CD, “Untold Stories!”