i’m a process

I am not sure why it takes me soo long to “get with the program” as they say. (insert emoji with the girl with her hands flipped up) I am as my mom used to tell me “a process.” I shared in November that God had told me to lay everything down in early 2018. So I did. Some things were obvious and then others where more of a “oh this too.” It was honestly relieving to just “let it all go.” (Read this blog to find out more details.) But then in 2019 He began speaking to me about picking it back up and the first thing He asked me to do was share about my mom’s death. Then when I didn’t do it (I still haven’t) he gave me a dream with my mom in it telling me to basically obey and be myself. It was a very specific dream and I honestly do not get many dreams with my mom in them anymore.

Then He sent friends to cheer me on. One friend in particular told me to do the very thing that God had shown me. Not about the accident but about other things. But yet still here I am in 2021 dragging my feet. Before my mom died she told me a story about me that I will never forget. Especially because she was helping me to see how I work. How I am a process.

When I was 7 my dad decided that it was time to take off my training wheels on my purple Huffy bike. Without explaining at all he took them off and had me get on. He hung on for a minute and then just let go without any communication at all. I would get upset with him and then he would say let’s try again. We were really missing each other in this ordeal and I finally told him I was done and did not want him to teach me. The big problem was that I loved riding my bike and now I couldn’t. And that my dad probably didn’t know that it would be a good idea to say extra words like “okay now we are going to ride for a minute and then I will let go… on the count of three… one … two.. three…” Just had to say that because I realize now as a mom that I needed those extra words and instructions. Bless his heart. He did not have those extra words growing up either so it makes sense.

My mom says that the next day she looked out the kitchen window and saw me riding my bike down the very slight hill that let to our tree house. It was barely a hill but I went down with my legs dragging along the sides of the bike and then I would walk it back up and do it all again. By the end of the day I was riding all over and had found my balance “all by myself.” It took years and years for me to stop riding that bike. My knees were way over the handle bars before I finally retired it. I loved that bike and since we lived in a small town I rode it to school and to church and to the pool. No truer friend did I find during that time in my life and I am so glad. But that was her story to explain why it takes me so long to get where I am going. I am the turtle watching the world while the cars fly by.

In fact, that is how Facebook and Instagram felt for me when I returned to them a couple months ago. Fast paced and full of “people” doing what I felt I was supposed to do. But its just not true. I am me and they are well, them. They can not tell my story or give my perspective or even obey God for me. It just isn’t possible. So here I am. In fact one of the songs I recorded in 2013 really speaks to how unique and special each one of us is. So my process is actually precious to God. It is important to Him and He even speaks my language. He knows how to talk to me. He isn’t frustrated with me about how long it takes me to get to where He is asking me to go. I can really learn from His ways with me. Especially as a Mom!

Do I wish my process was different? Ummm… Heck Yes!!! I am often outside of myself mocking my lengthy process. It’s actually called “self hatred” and it is something I have struggled with my whole life. Embracing who I really am and not wishing I was a different way is 100 percent helpful for me. Radical acceptance. It helps me to see the good things about my process and myself.

When I was 14 my dad bought me a car. I was super excited until I found out it was a stick shift without power steering. We went out to my grandparents farm and dad put that old Yugo (yep! Here is pic of one that looks like it). He pulled it into a field with decent sized ruts or terraces. He then proceded to try and teach me how to drive a standard in terraces that were almost half as tall as this tiny car. It was horrible. For reals!! I cried and walked back to the farmhouse and told him to sell it. About four months later my dad came to pick me up and said we were going to learn how to drive it again. Thankfully he hadn’t sold it yet and he had a better idea. He took me to a big parking lot north of town and there he taught me to drive it. Once a week or so he would come and pick me up in it and I actually learned how to drive standard. It was such a fun first car (when it worked lol). I am so proud of my dad and me for not giving up. It was definitely a process but I learned so much. And I can not wait for my kids to learn how to drive stick shift. I think it should be required! Just like cursive! IF you can drive standard you can drive anything. At least I think so!

So embrace who you are! What about yourself is frustrating you? How can you use it as an assett versus a deficit? God knows I will get there when I get there. And with three kiddos under 6 and homeschooling on top of that Lord knows it takes me even longer than before! Be yourself! Be who God made you to be! He knew you from before the foundation of the earth! He made you in His image! He made you to reflect a part of Him that no one else can! We need you! Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing! Ask God what He thinks and feels about you! Get alone with Him and listen to what He says back to you! Cherish His thoughts about you! And walk out who He says you are! You won’t regret it! 


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