I think the most interesting thing about loss is the way each one is different. I lost my Mom suddenly in a car accident in 2006 and my Dad slowly through cancer starting in 2017. And a month ago today we lost our baby in the womb to miscarriage. It is so weird to me to even type those words. Regardless of the different types of loss the main theme to me is how the rest of the world keeps going. Summer is rolling strong here in Missouri with trips to the pool and camp starting today. If you look outside its as if nothing even changed. But for me I am no longer pregnant, no longer looking forward to our “Christmas baby.”
When we found out we were pregnant with our first baby I asked my husband, “Should we share so early?” Our first was our honeymoon baby and so I knew for sure when I was pregnant. I had never had my body feel quite like that so I knew for sure I was pregnant. Of course I got the test and took it and we celebrated. Right away my husband wanted to tell the world and I was more cautious. “Well, what if we lose the baby, then what we will do?” He just said so confidently. “Then we will tell everyone and those same people who celebrated with us will then support us. We don’t get to decide if the the baby will grow to a full term baby, God decides that.” Or something to that effect. I love my husband. I love his thoughts on things. But I thought he was slightly wrong, yet I still went along with it! So each of our babies we have shared pretty much as soon as we knew.
So as soon as we saw the positive pregnancy test with number four we put a BIG SISTER shirt on our youngest and had her wear it around her 3rd birthday party! What a sweet day to celebrate! We felt surges of Joy to be having another Wick baby around here. It was just the kindest gift from the Lord! I didn’t always want to have another baby in all honesty. The year after my third was born was probably the hardest year of my life or at least of my motherhood and marriage. I had three kiddos 4 and under and almost all in diapers in some way shape and form. I was juggling a lot and to top it off my husband had three wrist surgeries that fall and couldn’t even lift our three month old. To say I was stressed was a complete understatement.
The Lord might have asked me to consider another baby at that time but I was for sure not listening. But in the last year He had been putting it on my heart. I called this season a time of weakness and surrender. I was trying to come to a place of YES in my heart but it was a struggle. Most of my struggle was a harsh judgement against my motherhood. I have fought self-hatred deeply in my life. I was in a court of my own doing accusing myself and holding against myself every failure of my mothering. It really boiled down to “Why? Why would you give me another baby when I failing so massively with these ones I already have.” I guess I was not very convincing in my arguments. He had shown me areas where He wanted me to shift to kindness and gentleness. Areas where I had failed and He had forgiven me. But He wasn’t holding these things over my head. He tenderly told me. “I want you to see what I see when I look at you!” Just like a song I wrote years ago and the line says “Let me give you My eyes for just a minute so you can see what I see!” (https://music.apple.com/us/album/untold-stories-ep/1304662440)
So at the beginning of 2022 I said Yes and gave up my case against myself. I sat in some of what He wanted to tell me about me. He is so KIND and GRACIOUS. He is LOVE! By March I had given my full yes and we found out we were pregnant at the beginning of April! We took the kids and even saw the heartbeat on the screen all together! I then posted that video on social media and everyone rejoiced with us! We spent all of those weeks celebrating Baby Girl or Baby Boy as our daughter referred to the baby. I had a sweet name of “Joyfilled Surrender” as a name for the baby since it had been such a wrestle to get to this place for me. I was pretty sick during the pregnancy which wasn’t completely unusual for me but it seemed a bit extra. But I am also 3+ years older than I was since last time I carried a baby. In complete transparency this time was marked for me by small hints that I may miscarry the baby. Little whispers that I wasn’t sure where they were from or even a knowing. I was encouraged to pray against them or to stand in faith (and this was not bad advice) but I also wondered if God was preparing me.
In May I went to the OB with all three kiddos while my husband was at a meeting. The doctor wanted a more detailed sonogram and then it was confirmed. The baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. I was supposed to be 10 weeks along at that point. I cried all the way to ChicFila and cried at the table with my husband while my children played in the play place. But something shifted as we talked again about why we share early. And again he reminded me about how God decides. I thought it would offend me and make a unbridgable chasm between us. But it surprisingly comforted me and reminded me that God had been telling me this whole sick, stuck on the couch time that this pregnancy that I had wept for would not go full term. I had never even spotted during a pregnancy let alone lost one of my babies.
I was surrounded. We started sharing with people and meals were brought and prayers were prayed. Again just like he said. The very people who rejoiced with us were now the ones crying with us. It was just stunning and I love the body of Christ! I mentioned in the beginning of this post that each grief is different. Losing my mom was devastating. I could barely function for the longest time. I was single and absolutely lost without her. But this grief I felt surrounded and prepared in a way that I just can not explain. I am also 41 and not 25, so that may have something to do with it. Am I grieving? Yes, very much but its been a very gentle grief that sweeps me up in moments. Grief is honestly a mystery. I feel like I have a grip on it some days and then I acknowledge I know very little and every single persons story is different.
The Sunday after I found out about our baby not developing I decided to go and sing on my team anyways. I felt like that was where I was supposed to be. And I sang a spontaneous song that just really described where I was at during this whole process. I want to share it with you and let you hear my heart before the Lord!
I am going to have to make this a two part post because I ran out of time to share about everything else. God bless you for reading this far. Please check out the Youtube video and reach out to me if you want to talk about grief, loss, Jesus, or miscarriage. I know so many people have lost loved ones and babies and I hope this blessed you!