missing you. losing my mom (part 5)

I have been missing her today. I honestly didn’t even know it until the day was almost over. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by everything and even started crying on the couch while I was trying to soothe our second son for the third time tonight with not much success. Then it hit me. I miss my mom. This happened around my birthday too but it was husband who figured out I was grieving not me (I love him!). It was one of those waves today that threatened to take me down and I was resisting it, which always makes the grief worse not better. So finally I realized what was up. I put together all the factors. My mom’s 61st bday is coming up in less than two weeks, which also is the first anniversary of my grandma (her mom’s) death is coming up on her birthday (yes she passed away on my mom’s 60th bday), and my cousin’s wedding is a few days after that. So all of this has been pressing on my heart causing me to run frantically from the emotions. Because let’s face it, we run. And for me if I melt down it usually sounds like it has nothing to do at all with grief and everything to do with my current circumstances. Two under two, messy house, sink FULL of bottles I have been trying to wash for days! Yes, those are trying my patience as well but nothing compared to just wanting my mom to come sit on my couch and hold my babies! So I finally gave into the wave (read more about that in part one of this grief series!). And now I feel much better and can think clearer. I still miss her but I am able to recognize that I was missing her and I can write and talk about it.

I remember when I would come home from college for breaks she would come to my bed and sit on the side of it and wait with expectancy for me tell her ALL of the stories of my adventures as a student. Seriously she wanted every detail, she was laughing and sometimes crying as I told her all the details I could remember. Her face would glow with joy as she vicariously lived her twenties over through me! This carried on into my time in Chicago in the summers and then went I traveled with a missions organization, Youth With A Mission, (YWAM) after college. She found a way to call me in every nation I went to (except maybe one)! This is before Facebook and Skype were super popular! (Back in the dark ages lol). She didn’t have a word limit for me and she never made me feel like I said too much! My mom was as much as a story teller as I was. I miss that SO much! I miss telling her all of the things! Even in my life of constant interruptions my fantasy is that we would figure out how to do that still.

I know its been ten years since I lost her but I can see her sitting on the edge of my bed so clearly and it would be hours, (literally hours) before she went back to her own bed to finally fall asleep. It was so hard for her to leave and I know I didn’t mind at all. I am so glad we had that time and all of those stories. When I started writing these blogs I had no idea that the “anniversary” time would linger on. I thought I was kind of finished for a bit. Giving myself a pat on the back for doing it right and telling our story. Now I see there was so much more that God had in store for me. Two weeks ago YWAM had a huge gathering here in KC and I got to see people from the base I worked with in Australia for the first time since I left on furlough ten and a half years ago. It was while I was on that furlough that my mom died in the car accident and I never went back to Australia. There were honestly many other reasons for that but one of the big ones was the accident. It was so good seeing their faces again and remembering those days. The significance of that gathering happening her on this anniversary struck my heart deeply. God is so good at the details isn’t He?!

All that to say this ten year thing continues and tonight I let another wave wash over me and I am better for it. I miss her laugh and I want her here so I can tell her all the stories of David and Jonathan! I know she wouldn’t want to miss a single detail! So mom here’s to you! Missing you tonight!

Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom

ode to postpartum

I am in my third month of my “fourth trimester!” I like to think of post baby time as this because it makes me and my body and my life make more sense. I like to actually say I am pregnant for a year, partly because it actually feels like that when you are pregnant and to think its going to be longer helps a lot in the process of the pregnancy. For some reason once you have the baby some crazy thoughts start to form in your head as if you are going to go back to normal “right away” like now, right now! Then you are left wondering “what the heck” is wrong with you and then your friend says “Hey you just had a baby!!!” Oh right! Well there’s that.

I have been pregnant or nursing a baby since February 15th, 2014 or around there. Yep that is my wedding date. My husband and I truly wanted to start our family right away and so we decided to try right from the start! “Honeymoon baby” has a different meaning for us since we planned him. And then we are the weirdos that were actually sad we weren’t pregnant again by the time our first son had hit about 9 months old. And then boom, we were pregnant the next month! Okay so I know we planned and wanted these babies to come and I know its all my fault BUT it doesn’t mean I can’t blog about it! lol! So bare with me.

Oh postpartum, you and your yoga pants and mesh underwear! And seriously what the heck has happened to my body. And not to mention “two under two!” And then there are all the things people say that are trained to say those things (i.e. sleep when the baby sleeps) hahahaha. Just prop me up next to the crib with a latte under my arm.

I am not expecting half of this blog to make any sense but I am excited that I have two hands right now that are only typing. After my first son was born my husband tried to convince me to leave the house in the evening at least once a week. I just was not very good at it. Thats all I have to say about that. So now I am A LOT better at it. Well now I leave every other week and that is a good speed for me. I really like my family but people they need a mommy that doesn’t act like a crazy person! Seriously, toddlers get a bad wrap. They have BIG emotions and get upset about simple things very intensely. I think I could relate to a toddler right now or resemble one minus that throwing myself on the floor. Post partum moms have BIG emotions and get upset about the simplest things. I get upset because I am upset. I wish I could make that make sense, but it just doesn’t and I am okay with that. Are you currently trying to imagine me throwing my own postpartum toddler fit? Go for it!

So I finally have stretch marks, real ones. Didn’t happen with my first baby, its so interesting how you can grow an entire human in your body for months, then raise it for over a year, and then still NOT know everything there is to know about doing all that. But I tell you it is entirely possible. And you would think that I would remember how to care for a newborn? I guess I mostly remembered and it had only been 20 months since I had done it last but for reals they are so tiny and different than an almost toddler. I literally cut a onesie off of my son a month ago because it was too small and I was tired of feeling like I was ripping his little arms off when I was taking it off of him. So I cut it off. With scissors. It was incredibly freeing! I am sure there was poop on it or something or maybe not.

Then there is the sleep deprivation…are you still reading? lol. Its okay cause I am still writing. With my first son we had a few nursing issues and ended up supplementing with formula. So with our second son when we started having similar issues we just started back up with our old routine. In our sleep deprived state we didn’t adjust it at all. The big problem with this was this baby ended up being a puker. And then he would be up the entire night. And so there I was feeding him and staying up all night with him like we were in college and not sleeping just because we could. For some weird reason I was able to do that for like five weeks, maybe six. My husband would help me get sleep when he got home from work and I would nap if it was even possible. And then I lost it. Like felt like I was going to go crazy! I had one very dark night in my mothering life and the next day I googled all the buzz words….fussy, colic, feeding, baby. Anything that I thought might bring about an answer and bring a completion to our frat parties in the night! Without starting medication or declaring a milk allergy I went with “overfeeding!” Oh my lord!!!!!! I had been overfeeding my baby for over six weeks!!! Poor baby! I had no idea that I had a good supply of momma milk. I had never had that problem (blessing) and so it had not occurred to me. Before you go and judge just remember how tired we were! SO SO tired!!! So I pulled back all of the bottles and just nursed him until I knew I had nothing and then I would offer a bottle! Holy cow, how simple is that! Praise God we avoided any of the medical interventions that could have possibly come as an answer for a puking baby! Again my friend reminded me why they use sleep deprivation as a torture tool in war. That made me think for a moment. But hey baby number 2 and I are bonded! Bonded like college roommates!

So now we are sleeping mostly with the normal short visit or two in the night. And we are getting in a rhythm of sorts. And I am learning to juggle better than I knew I could. And I still have my toddler moments but I made it! I made it over two whole months as a mom of two. I am two-ish weeks from the “end” of my fourth trimester! Life is now settling into a new normal and I can think a few thoughts in a row and actually remember them the next day. Well some days.

PS. Thank you all so much for your notes of encouragement after I shared about my c-sections. The surgery and recovery itself went flawlessly. I am still swollen in some spots and I definitely did not enjoy the spinal they gave to numb my bottom half this time, but I survived and I have two of the cutest kids on the block!!! I know that my story is my story and I am thankful that we have made the choices we have! Thanks again!