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Grief Blog – Losing my mom

Yesterday I worked on organizing all of our books. And in one of my mom’s books that I inherited from her collection I found some of her journals. She had put them in a book she was reading in January of 2006. Which was 6 months before she died. Some of the words she wrote were pretty normal for her but other things she wrote about were hard to read. So many layers of things that I am not going to go into massive detail about here but there were struggles in her marriage, in her motherhood, in her heart. There was even an email from me in the little stack of things folded into this book. It was very special to say the least to find this treasure cove. What it did for me in a big way was confirm how similar to and different from my mom. And maybe her journals can help me grow. Fifteen years later and I know this past six months for me has been about growing up, maturing, owning my past and moving on. Slowly but surely. Maturity is not about a one and done. Its a long process but you have to keep at it for it to work. I believe so many issues in our lives or arguments we get into are stunted maturity. We are clinging to our immaturity, our entitlement, our selfishness.

My mom was not a selfish person. She was a hard worker and went through so much in her life. She prayed so hard for her kids and felt deeply about everything. Wore her heart on her sleeve. My aunt reminded me the other day how “fearless” my mom was, she said “it was as if she was not afraid of anything.” I find myself quite the opposite lately. I feel to share her story and mine but I am also comfortable without having to share anything. I used to just do it. Rip the bandaid and not look back. But now as I get older I find myself more calculated and careful versus carefree.

Connie. Who was she. Losing her at 25 I feel so gipped of an actual friendship with her. Really getting to know her and what she was like. Don’t get me wrong I knew my mom and spent hours talking with her. But I mostly talked and she mostly listened. When she did talk she would say…”let’s pray!” But I know and for sure the Lord knows that there was so much more than that going on. She was 50 when she died. 50. Her year of Jubilee.

Those four pages of journal that I found revealed some deep things she was praying into. In her 50 years she saw her first husband (my dad) and her son (my brother) experience for the first time their mental illness. And then she stood alongside them while they tried to get a diagnosis and how that changed their daily life. She went through that twice. 20 years apart. I can not even imagine how she did that. I know when the second time came around she really battled. The guilt, the disillusionment, the pain. Why. And then she was gone. Just like that. When we needed her most. It seemed. Why.

And now here I am 15 years later. I honestly did not plan to go on an unraveling grief journey today. I was trying to declutter and organize our bookshelves. But God knows. He knows when its time to unravel. He knows when its time. When our hearts need it.

I got Discovery Plus two days ago and its hard to not just lay here on the couch and binge watch Magnolia Network from start to finish. I love it all. I just watched the one about Chip and his marathon. It is in honor of a professional runner named Gabe who lost her race with cancer. It really touched my heart. Before she died she started Brave like Gabe to inspire people to run and to raise money for research of rare cancer cures. I was so moved by this and the crazy way Chip met Gabe and her husband Justin. I know God was in this story for sure.

It stirred my heart to believe I can grieve through the totes of things I have from my mom’s house. I haven’t touched them in almost 15 years. I think it is time. I know its not running a marathon but its time to unlock my 25 year old heart and let her grow up. Let her fly. Maybe I will start a grieving nonprofit called PRAY LIKE CONNIE. Who knows?? She was a lover of Jesus and a marathon intercessor. I have an inheritance in her prayers like I have no idea about. I know I will be a better mom and a better wife as I learn the lessons from her journals and things. I honestly wish I had more things. But God knows and He sees it all!

My mom loved life. She cracked me up. She wanted to live it to the fullest and she didn’t even have cancer. She was taken from us in an instant with NO warning! It truly still knocks the absolute wind out of me. But I know I have a legacy in her love and deep belly laugh. She loved me big and I love to tell my kids about her. I was also reminded while I read her journals yesterday that we are not to make the dead our idols. I am certainly at times guilty of thinking of her as this perfect person. I know that is not true and I was reminded of her humanity. We can become to focused on ourselves and unaware of others. This is not my hope either as I unravel. I didn’t get to pick this season but I am going to embrace it and surrender to all God has for me in it.

http://www.michellewick.com/a-letter-to-my-mom-after-10-years-losing-my-mom-part-4

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i took a break

I took a break. Why? God told me too. Seems like a good reason right? Why did He do that? Well I am not completely sure. But I can see the fruit of it. I will admit, its been some of the hardest years of my life. But I would never take them back. I had just started to blog about maturity. And then boom He had me walk out all of the things I was blogging about and it was not easy!

One of the things I wrestled with a lot during this break was the word “calling.” One day my husband and I were talking about it and I got so angry and then I broke down crying. I trained for this calling, I went to bible college, I trained in missions and went overseas to walk it out. I was all in. It was my calling, my assignment. I was called to “the ministry” as they say. I have committed a lot of my time, effort, and energy into this calling. I am not trying to be mean to anyone who talks like this. In fact most people use this language and do not think anything about it. It started even in high school for me, I went forward at a missions conference. I knew God spoke to my heart to do missions, to minister to people.

To even try to put words to what has been mulling around in my heart feels pretty complicated. I used to just sit down and type for 15 minutes or so and a message or blog would just spill out. But now it feels more challenging to choose my words. That is probably a good thing though. Some deep things have healed in my heart and some other deep things have been unearthed as well.

A lot of people would call motherhood my calling now. My ministry, my disciples. I totally agree and totally disagree all at the same time. If I focus all of my energy and training just on these three precious little people I think there will be trouble. It was scary to pause sharing and singing and all that to focus on them in some ways. But I really do think that is because SO MUCH focus and pressure is put on “calling.” Depression and purposeless can come when you aren’t “doing” something for the Lord. What about those people that were in ministry full time and then had to go get a full time job to support their families. Are they out of the “will of God” making that change and no longer serving a ministry or church in that capacity. I am honestly not trying to start any fights. It’s just kind of my way of spilling out what has been churning in my heart for a couple years.

In all honesty I was actually in some ways very happy with my break. Don’t get me wrong I really love singing, leading worship, well… just singing to Jesus in general! That is my favorite! Prophe-singing over people. I just love it. So yes I miss it! But… I was pretty content in just being a momma, a wifey and taking care of my dad who has been on hospice. I was so happy to be out of under that heavy burden of trying to fulfill the assignment for God, be inside His will, or making sure I was walking out my calling. (deep sigh, wow that felt good!). I think that is all of the language of ministry that I have been detoxing from. So then, what is left. Doing none of it?? That is the teenage version of Michelle saying “Yahoo, that means I don’t have to do it anymore!!!”

Nope… after almost two years I heard that familiar whisper. See, this whisper has been my best friend since I was three years old. That’s a long time to be hearing this sweet friend. But, I have ignored Him before. I am VERY slow to obey these days. I am hesitant to get back into that mentality. Striving to please even God!

Now I don’t say that to to nullify any ministry I have done up to this point! I truly believe I have a sincere heart and desire to walk out anything that God has put in my heart. Up until now I just didn’t know how much pressure the body of Christ puts on those in ministry. So much pressure to perform, to do ministry. There can be manipulation and it can seem like you are doing something for the right reasons but in reality… blah blah blah… it seems complicated.

All I know is I am tempted to not even start again. I have been avoiding it even after He whispered. Dragging my feet basically lol. You see, its hard to put your blinders on and just do what He tells you to. Especially when there are so many pretty shiny people on the inter webs doing their thing. And when you are wrestling with why the words calling, ministry, assignment, etc… its hard to want to jump back out. Okay so I will stop rambling about this and do a video. When I do it I will link it here…

My love for God has always been constant. No matter what I “do” or “don’t do” for Him. I think that is the point of this lesson in my life! His love for me is constant too. I am so thankful for this deep work in my life! And this burden that has lifted in some ways! Now on to the next challenge. Walking it out.