falling off the wagon…

These past two days I have attempted to refocus my heart and listen more to the Holy Spirit. This took getting myself off Facebook and trying to not eat sweets for three days. As a new nursing momma thats about all fasting looks for me right now. One theme that came out loud and clear was the responsibility I have over my own heart. In less than two weeks Stephen and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary! Woot! I love this man like crazy and am so excited to celebrate!!! But being married now I realize even more how not living in the reality of my responsibility over my heart now affects not only my life but two others as well! My husband and baby!! 

There is a temptation in my heart to find a reason for everything or an excuse. Its how I complicate problems. I get wrapped up in the “why” and how I could have done it better that I actually fail to take responsibility. Its everywhere from how I spend my “free” time (yes mom’s have that it just looks different), to what I think about, to how I act, to my mouth (ahhh my mouth), what I eat, and so on. Especially in marriage or any other relationship we often can find the fault in the other person and forget all about the log in our own eye that is smacking them as we criticize.  I’ve honestly had the most amazing first year of marriage and even made it through the first almost 3months of a new born without much conflict. But I feel it creeping into my life.

So “who’s fault is it?” Who do we throw under the bus for our emotions, our melt downs, our day flying by? My biggest problem has always been self-hatred! So its easy for me to take too much responsibility. But that still isn’t the answer! It all gets too complicated! Mostly I find I am weak and want to cope by overdramatizing the whole thing. Basic Christianity folks! At the end of the day I am responsible for my heart. No drama needed. I am living before His eyes only. I wish there was someone else to take the wrap for the way I coped with my back pain last night or the ways in which I avoid taking time to just sit before the Lord! I do a lot of sitting and surfing or reading blogs or being on Facebook while I nurse my baby but have to WORK (I mean WORK) to read the Word on my phone or sit and listen to the Lord! I can talk, share my heart, pray for a friend, or even complain to the Lord. But to sit and listen and absorb what He wants to say takes WORK!

Why? Cause its the best thing for me! Its what will change my day, my life, my kid’s life, etc! I am desperately in need of that fresh and living water that will wash my soul! I forget that its what I am searching for and when I give up all the other things I DONT miss out or even wonder where it went. I am finding that the silence these past three days (when I allowed it) was the most amazing thing I could have done. Even when I threw my back out yesterday and freaked out with some cookie dough I knew what I was doing and I heard His nearness, His whisper, and even His laugh as He knew too! I’m a “handful” as He says and thats okay. He is not overwhelmed or stressed out even for a minute about me. He is the all-Powerful one or as He said a couple weeks ago the “All-Controlling” one! (That’s a whole ‘nother story) I actually don’t have to have it all together thankfully!!

Sooo! I am taking responsibility for what is mine to be responsible for. My sin, my mouth, my poor decisions. And I repent! I get right with Jesus! I walk in the opposite direction and listen for my next steps! Its like a little kid who “knows” better! So here is a little song to keep us on the straight and narrow! Thanks for reading and walking this journey of Love with me! And seriously let’s all chill out a little bit!

“Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little ears what you hear, for the Father up above is looking down with Love so be careful little eyes what you see!”

Also this is one of my favorite YouTube videos that says it all! lol

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