I have been missing her today. I honestly didn’t even know it until the day was almost over. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by everything and even started crying on the couch while I was trying to soothe our second son for the third time tonight with not much success. Then it hit me. I miss my mom. This happened around my birthday too but it was husband who figured out I was grieving not me (I love him!). It was one of those waves today that threatened to take me down and I was resisting it, which always makes the grief worse not better. So finally I realized what was up. I put together all the factors. My mom’s 61st bday is coming up in less than two weeks, which also is the first anniversary of my grandma (her mom’s) death is coming up on her birthday (yes she passed away on my mom’s 60th bday), and my cousin’s wedding is a few days after that. So all of this has been pressing on my heart causing me to run frantically from the emotions. Because let’s face it, we run. And for me if I melt down it usually sounds like it has nothing to do at all with grief and everything to do with my current circumstances. Two under two, messy house, sink FULL of bottles I have been trying to wash for days! Yes, those are trying my patience as well but nothing compared to just wanting my mom to come sit on my couch and hold my babies! So I finally gave into the wave (read more about that in part one of this grief series!). And now I feel much better and can think clearer. I still miss her but I am able to recognize that I was missing her and I can write and talk about it.
I remember when I would come home from college for breaks she would come to my bed and sit on the side of it and wait with expectancy for me tell her ALL of the stories of my adventures as a student. Seriously she wanted every detail, she was laughing and sometimes crying as I told her all the details I could remember. Her face would glow with joy as she vicariously lived her twenties over through me! This carried on into my time in Chicago in the summers and then went I traveled with a missions organization, Youth With A Mission, (YWAM) after college. She found a way to call me in every nation I went to (except maybe one)! This is before Facebook and Skype were super popular! (Back in the dark ages lol). She didn’t have a word limit for me and she never made me feel like I said too much! My mom was as much as a story teller as I was. I miss that SO much! I miss telling her all of the things! Even in my life of constant interruptions my fantasy is that we would figure out how to do that still.
I know its been ten years since I lost her but I can see her sitting on the edge of my bed so clearly and it would be hours, (literally hours) before she went back to her own bed to finally fall asleep. It was so hard for her to leave and I know I didn’t mind at all. I am so glad we had that time and all of those stories. When I started writing these blogs I had no idea that the “anniversary” time would linger on. I thought I was kind of finished for a bit. Giving myself a pat on the back for doing it right and telling our story. Now I see there was so much more that God had in store for me. Two weeks ago YWAM had a huge gathering here in KC and I got to see people from the base I worked with in Australia for the first time since I left on furlough ten and a half years ago. It was while I was on that furlough that my mom died in the car accident and I never went back to Australia. There were honestly many other reasons for that but one of the big ones was the accident. It was so good seeing their faces again and remembering those days. The significance of that gathering happening her on this anniversary struck my heart deeply. God is so good at the details isn’t He?!
All that to say this ten year thing continues and tonight I let another wave wash over me and I am better for it. I miss her laugh and I want her here so I can tell her all the stories of David and Jonathan! I know she wouldn’t want to miss a single detail! So mom here’s to you! Missing you tonight!