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change

This title has lingered in my mind for a long while. I know it is a theme for so many things this past year. I am not even ready to really process all that it entails. We lost Abigail Ann on May 26th, 2022. Time did not stand still but I have never been the same. In so many good and hard ways. Then as life does the season changed and we suddenly went from homeschooling to private school life with drop offs and volunteering and a new group of people. I didn’t know how much I would need this but so much inside me fought this change. But yet His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways higher than my ways! So much higher. Then in almost the same breath we swung the hammers and began the long awaited DEMO!! Aka renovation on my Dad’s house. 

If you have watched any amount of Youtube or HGTV you have a thought that renovation means quick change. Nope. Not at all. Most things are much slower than you think and so much does not go as you hoped! Yeesh I was a newb and I learned so so much. Especially the hard way. Which is my speciality. Thank you Jesus that our marriage was still in tact after all that. I think if we could make it through 2019 we can make it through anything. Let the reader understand. So in October I began to box up our home for a hopeful move in around mid December so we could be living in the renovation while we sold our beloved first house! But nothing really lined up that way and the house was not ready to move into. So we prepped our house while living in it with three kiddos and a cat! Yikes! Not my favorite plan! 

Then at the end of December, Stephen had his planned shoulder surgery. I think this is like drowning and someone throwing you a baby.  So I dug in and kept pushing. Clean, declutter, care for all the people, support my husband. I am telling you it was not easy. And in the midst of it all life just kept going and going. Then praise God we sold the house just as my Dad’s house was ready enough for us to move in. It was a juggling act. But it worked out. We literally had one working toilet, a working sink, and a tub when we moved in. Thankfully by the second night we had a working shower. And all of our bedrooms were painted and ready minus closets! Still working on those closets. That was the beginning of February. What a crazy thing to just kind of look back and sit in the memory of it all! I am blown away that it all worked out! Our awesome construction team worked up until May and got all the inside of the house done minus a few things. Money wise we needed to take some time off and it just worked out that the time frame was the summer. 

So then I had all the kids home at once again. Just like old times but this time I was pregnant again. I will write more I believe about how hard the early months of this pregnancy were. It unearthed so much. But the summer was sweet. Pool time, popsicles, friends, and settling in a bit more into our new place. Then August hit like a freight train with school supplies and haircuts and memories of our first school drop offs from last year. The day after we took those “first day of school” pictures we began phase two of the Reno. I am so thankful to see the transformation happening again but it adds its own chaos. But for the first time I can see the end is in sight. Although we may have projects here and there to work on over time this part with workers in our home has an end. It almost took my breath away to realize that. This transitional feeling has been a part of my life for over a year now and I wasn’t really prepared to feel like it may have an end. 

Why am I sharing this? There are honestly so many details I am not sharing. I am mostly giving a broad stroke to the immense amount of change I have experienced this past year and I am still experiencing. I share to say. I am okay. God has taught me something this past year that honestly never knew I needed. I remember our pastor preaching a message called “The illusion of happiness.”  A couple weeks later he ended up preaching it again at a conference I attended. I had no idea how much I needed to hear this. My circumstances and emotions have pretty much kind of driven a lot of the undertone of my life. I am not sure I would have been able to tell you that cognitively. When you are a victim of your life, trying your best to make do with what you have for so long it becomes like breathing. You can ask most people that have walked through any amount of trauma. 

It really began two years ago with an invitation to “let not your heart be troubled.” And then a couple months later another layer, “Do not worry about your life.” And then these teachings last fall inviting me to break my agreement with living according to my circumstances. Then this past May “learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart.” I can not even explain how these simple invitations from the words of Jesus have changed me from the inside out. But I have drawn that line in the sand and committed to trying. And I have been simply blessed with the outcome. Change. Transformational change bit by bit deep inside me in ways I could not have done on my own. Basically these principles are my new plumb line for life. Anxiety, fear of man, and the waves of life are not going to dictate to me how to live or respond to my life. 

I am basically just grateful. And believe me these changes have been tested. At every single turn. God knows! But here I am. Not sure if it’s turning 43 or just lack of energy from pregnancy but I am not going to beat myself up for not being perfect on these principles. I just keep hearing His voice calling me to come to Him and learn from Him. I can do that. I can be gentle with myself and with others. Even as a mom. I just have to take myself out of the rat race and comparison game. I am me. I am learning how to love. I am learning how to live in this new freedom. Letting it change me bit by bit. 

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vulnerable

Where do you go when you are in pain, sad, frustrated, hurting. Who do you run to? I often run to food, send a voice mail, numb out on my phone. Last week I spoke at a conference and found the words tumbling out of my mouth. I challenged everyone listening to pause in those moments of grief and anger. Just stop and go to God. Tell Him about it first. Invite Him into the hard of it all. Now here I am with waves of grief hitting my heart being tested by my own challenge and instead I ate an extra cookie and muffin. But there was still a little reach in my heart. “Help…God…” I say at the sink as I load the dishwasher. I heard Him say in response. “Worship me.” So as I moved to the bedroom and folded the big pile of laundry I sang the song that literally carried me through my Dad’s death last year. 

“All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good!” And my 5 year old came in and started singing with me. I saw the ripple. An hour before that I had been laying on the couch searching info about something on my phone. My face mostly covered and not looking available. But here in my room I was weakly singing and folding and he joined me. What happened when I reached out to God. Something shifted. I think though my self -pity/victim rut often makes it even harder for me. (Not that I am the only one who struggles with that but it runs deep with me.) Because when I am hurting I do not want to work for healing. I want to hide. I want to tuck in and protect. It takes effort and work to reach out and be known. Be vulnerable. 

Eating my feelings has been a timeless way to hide. Intermittent fasting has been a beautifully exposing way to find freedom and to know God in the hard. (More on that in another blog, but I will say I started IF to lose baby weight and God 100% highjacked it and it has been one of my favorite gifts from Him!). “Come of out hiding and know Me. Know true comfort. Know the only one who can heal Your heart.” We can talk, declutter, read books and try and try and “do” all the right things to heal these hearts of ours. But I can attest to the little reach of my heart saying “God…help… I am hurting, I am mad, I am sad.” And every time if I let Him I am met by the Holy Spirit. Often I am challenged to find higher ground with Him. “Let’s do something different sweet girl. These things and ways are not serving you anymore. Let it go.” I hear Him when I let Him speak into the challenging places.

I promise seeking Him with a holy heart is the way to go. So today as Mother’s Day causes pain for some of us I know He is waiting to talk about it with us. Patiently present in the hard  moments. I have been just counting the wins. When I do not get angry about something ridiculous. Because those angry moments have a ripple affect too. They mark and hurt others, especially those we live day to day with. Who will still love us after but still what if we have. a part in changing the story.

Today I ache with the thought that it has been almost 16 years since I physically saw and hugged my Mom! That kind of separation leaves a mark, an ache. Death is so permanent. In some ways it does not hurt on the daily like it used to. But when it hurts it can sometimes catch me off guard and knock the wind right out of me. Then I can be cranky instead of vulnerable and tender. “God, I’m hurting. I miss her.” Simple prayers that change things. “I know.”  For years I honestly did not even know how to do this or even that it was so necessary. I was a push through and do it myself kind of gal. But when you find yourself married with three little kids and you are just yelling and you do not even remember why anymore you start getting desperate for a change. 

2019 was my hardest year of marriage and motherhood. But I have learned so much from that year. And I mean that. I have also learned I do not want to go back there. But I know what shifted more for me than anything else. The little prayers. “God help…” 

“Michelle, do you know that I love you, even like you right now. Right now in your hardest moment. I see you and know you even in this moment and I delight in you.”

“So you can come to me any way you are, every way you are. I am here. I will give you rest. I am what you need. No post, hack, suggestion, friendship, program can do what this can. Just you and me. Me and you.” 

Maybe you don’t hear God talk back to you when you pray those prayers of help. I had to delete social media apps for a season and turn off the YouTube shows I watched. Resist the initial urge to voice memo or Marco my friend. I had to get a little bored and uncomfortable. I had to read a chapter or more of my Bible everyday (I did and do miss days). I had to make space for His voice. Read His word to know what to listen for. Tune into His frequency to be able to hear more clearly. Let’s make space for His healing to flood in or drip in. However it happens I KNOW He will meet us in these vulnerable, weak moments. I have set my heart to not just invite Him or talk to Him when it is easy or makes sense. But in all the difficult moments when I just hid or muscled through before. 

For 7 years after I lost my mom I stumbled with this seemingly gaping hole in my heart. I longed to be healed from grief and immature decisions and just ached to be whole. I didn’t know as a single woman in ministry if I would ever get married or get to become a mom myself. But I decided to take things into my own hands. During a season of raising up partners for my ministry. I honestly stopped caring if I raised up financial partners (although I did need to pay rent and all that.) But I reached out to the ones who were willing to meet with me and said “would you pray for my husband?” Everyone I asked seemed excited to pray with me and many of them are dear friends to us today as a couple. I had to do something. I had to change my story. I couldn’t just wait and hope for something to change. And honestly the minute I started praying and asking for prayer my life changed forever. 

But guess what?? That awesome husband God gave me. He didn’t heal the hole in my heart. I know its a bummer. But its true. And he honestly doesn’t want that job either. I have tried to give it to him. (lol). Only these bit by bit prayers and invitations of weakness have healed my heart. It has a been a journey of healing and obviously its still ongoing! Let’s make a change! Be the change we want to see! No one can make my negatively go away! No one can help me ask God for help. But I know I can do it! I can change my family tree in this way. These little moments really are where all the difference is made! “Help God…” I would venture to say me crying out to God when I feel achy, broken, weak, angry, etc are His favorite moments with me. 

Let’s pray for ourselves!

Father of Glory, give to me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of your Son. Open the eyes of my heart. God give me wisdom on how to bring my pain and anger to you. Give me revelation on how You see me and who You say I am. Give me a legacy of healing and intimacy with you to pass to my children. Write a new story for them. A story of knowing You in every moment of their lives. Give us the Fear of the Lord. I love you and I am so thankful to be growing into love everyday! Meesch

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Life as we knew it. Losing my mom (part 3)

Formal picture taken on the cruise April 2006

Death is so permanent. There is nothing quite like it, especially what it does to your life afterwards. My mom was the center of a universe of family and prayers and provision and love. Without her life as we knew it would never ever be the same. I woke up the second day after she died in her house which was technically full of people but it was empty and without her in so many ways we were lost at least for a while. It was her house, her decorations, her worship cds, her kitchen packed with food for the masses, and her Bible all marked up with highlighters. The house was void of her laugh, that incredible laugh she had, I hear it sometimes! It comes out of my own mouth and even my husband has grown to recognize the Connie laugh even though technically he has never met my mom. She is hard to miss! I especially hear her when I am talking to my little boy! This familiarity used to grate me as a teenager, “I am not like my mom!” We fight those similarities until you lose the person you have them with; after that you cling to them!

Last picture taken of my mom and me!

Life as I knew it was full of my mom’s friendship and her prayers! I had been overseas for over two years and my mom had become my closest friend. She would call, listen, pray, and cry with me about everything that had been going on in Australia and the countries I traveled to. And when I got home she gave me my step-dad’s cell phone so I could call her whenever I wanted although I think during that three months before the accident! What a gift! We talked and talked and talked when we weren’t together which was such a gift because I never had a cell phone during college or my time overseas so our calls were always limited to my location and a phone card! But as always my mom was the center of that as well, she pursued me and helped me be able to talk to others back home too. Come to think of it mom was the center all growing up too. She was always there, you could always count on her to bring you forgotten homework even if she had to load up all of the daycare kids to bring it to school for you. Some parents wouldn’t have done that but mom did. She always cooked, baked, sang, went to church, brought you to church unless you were puking! She was always herself! If that was happy or sad or frustrated or worn out! She was so consistently Connie! I am sure she struggled with embracing herself on the inside but from our view she was Connie and that was that!

Easter 2006 with the most but not all of the Lillich family!
Grandma and her grand-daughter Haley

And on June 11th, 2006 all of that changed forever, well at least for us, it was permanent. There was nothing we could do and it tore me apart from the inside out. How could you have a whirlwind of love and depth around you like that and then in a moment completely gone? How do you grasp the intensity of that? She was love, she was comfort, she was servant hearted, she was a fighter, she was my prayer covering, she was wisdom, she was patient, and she was a companion! These past ten years have been a force of grief to be reckoned with! Of course in the beginning it was daily and now its more so holidays, important days, and when I let myself think of what an amazing grandma she would be. One thing that has not changed is the fifth that she gave to me as a little girl who would get scared in the middle of the night. My mom was a heavy heavy sleeper so this was not the best time to try and get her attention. But she was faithful to teach me how to pray, specifically how to talk to Jesus and tell him how I was feeling. That is the part of “life as I know it” that has never changed! She gave me a legacy to pass to my babies and for them to pass to there’s! She might have taught me out of desperation (of a tired mommy) for me to go to sleep but I know deep down it was how she was living out her faith and she passed on to me the keys to life!

I still haven’t gotten those pictures out of the suit case yet. I meant to do it before my next baby comes. Now I have less than 6 weeks lol! Its funny how ten years could pass and I am still procrastinating grief! I think it makes me normal. I remember singing a duet with my mom once. We sang “As the Deer” at a woman’s meeting (I think). It blessed her so much that I would sing “with” her! I sang “Call on Jesus” by Nicole C. Mullen at her funeral.  I wasn’t going to sing at first and I had even told my family no about it. But I was getting ready a couple mornings before the service and heard that song and felt God telling me that I needed to sing it. I am not sure if anyone remembers the day of the funeral but I know that I have never sang like that before or since. It was so powerful and so meaningful and afterwards I invited people to give their lives to Jesus. I knew I had to! That is why she lived! She lived for Him! And now she is continuing to live for Him! Its the only thing that continues! The only part that is permanent in a different way than death. And it wasn’t in vain because I know some of the people who surrendered that day and their lives have never been the same! I blame mom! She prayed and prayed and prayed and of course its at her funeral that gave their lives! Such a beautiful picture of a seed falling to the ground. That would have meant more to her than anything I could have said or done at her funeral! And I know she was so proud of her “baby girl” singing on a stage on a day like that day! Especially when she knew that singing was going to be the hardest thing that I could decide to do that day or any day after! She was cheering for us then and she is cheering for us now! And through it all she is singing of how good God is! No matter what! And I agree!

Mom with just born Dreghton
VBS in Atwood 2006
Mom, Marlin, & Dreghton just hours old

  

To God be the glory, great things he has done;

so loved he the world that he gave us his Son,
who yielded his life an atonement for sin,
and opened the lifegate that we may go in.
Refrain:
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the earth hear his voice!
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the people rejoice!
O come to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory; great things he has done.

Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom
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A mom without a mom. Losing my mom (part 2)

First picture after not seeing each other for two years!

Mother’s day was this past Sunday and it was a very different day for me this year! I am 30 weeks pregnant with my second boy and in love with chasing after my almost 18 month old firstborn son. We spent the weekend doing things as a family which is also my favorite thing: quality time! So amazingly this time Mother’s Day did not sting as much or blindside me with the constant reminder that my own mom was no longer here to celebrate. The first celebration after I lost my mom was incredibly difficult; there were signs every reminding me to buy a card, a present, or take my mom out. I was overwhelmed and under-prepared! It made her birthday look easy to get through honestly since I didn’t have to deal with all of the marketing. I remember driving around trying to see the road through my tears and I saw a garden store and pulled over. I bought a hanging plant for my front porch with huge flowers that I thought she would have loved.

Mother’s Day 2006

I am sure its understandable to see why the sting of loss gets easier over the years but one thing is getting harder for me. Having babies and raising them without my mom has got to be the hardest thing for me right now. Mother’s day as a whole has become easy because its on a Sunday and my husband is home and we can fill it with activities and the time flies. But day-in-day-out there are so many things questions left un-answered and conversations that just can not happen. I thankfully don’t feel the despondency of this loss intensely on a daily basis but if I could explain my great sadness as a mom it would not be “baby blues” or “post-pardem,” although I am sure I dealt with these things since I see them as a normal part of the process, but it would be the massive vacuum I feel wanting to share these precious people with her. You have to understand, my mom was a Grandma! She was an amazing grandma! I watched her love her grand babies fiercely! She took them for the weekend, she gave advice to my step-sister when she needed it, she taught them about Jesus! I got to watch and I got to get excited for my time to come someday when she would do the same for my babies! We even talked about it. We both shared our grief with the idea that if I stayed in overseas missions and potentially got married over there and started having children that it would be so challenging to be far away from each other. We were excited at the time because Skype was becoming more popular and video chat would make it easier to be far apart. I love that we talked about this then, it made me know her heart, her desire to be close to her grand babies that were not even alive yet!

Mom and Marlin on the cruise

I feel like this subject is much harder for me write about, its fresh. In fact, its almost news to me how big of a deal this is in my life. I have known grief and I have walked through pain, but this is a daily part of living without my mom. I’m not ready to explain it away yet or to put a Bible verse on it. I am in the feeling stage and the walking it out in a real way. My son is in that stage where he is learning who people are and making connections with them. I know pictures and stories will be the way we teach him about his Grandma Connie but I also know how much he would have loved her! He can tell a joyful, kind person from like a mile away! He gave a hug to a sweet woman at a service we were at last week. This is not something he does very often but it was so sweet to her as he put his arms out to this woman, who of course reminded me a bit of my own mom!

My mom had a daycare in our house from the time I turned 7 until 17 years old. So I watched her take care of other people’s babies for years! We took trips to the library, the park, and of course during the summer we were daily at the pool! She taught them songs, always prayed before lunch, and let them play for hours in the back yard! I got trained as a momma by my mom from a very young age and for that I am thankful and reflective of what that did to impact me as a mom now. But I still want her on speed dial! “He isn’t eating, will he start sleeping, can you come take him for a night, mom what do I do??” “Am I doing a good job?” I never contemplated how much I would need her right now! The 8 years before I had my first baby, even my wedding seems now easy compared to this! I guess the next question to ask is “what is the Lord saying?”

Grandma with Grand-daughter Riley

Personally, I was raised by my mom, but beyond that I also spent a ton of time during my childhood with my dad’s mom, Grandma Phyllis and my mom’s mom Grandma Doris! Both of these women taught me so much even if they didn’t really ever know it. My Grandma Phyllis kept us one weekend a month out on my grandparent’s farm. My favorite thing to do with her was play make-believe and she would do it with me for hours. We would pretend to take the tractor to the store to get supplies to make food for my “restaurant” and then we would go back inside so she could pretend to order from my restaurant and eat my pretend food! Hours! Seriously, I can’t even imagine how she did that! My Grandma Doris often got me or my brother for days at a time due to sickness. Unfortunately when your mom runs a daycare in your home instead of being cared for by your mom when you are sick instead you are shipped off to Grandma’s house! It was honestly not so bad! Grandpa would let us watch tv with him and Grandma taught me how to make angel food cake from scratch! They were an incredible part of my upbringing and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.

This blog feels a bit up and down but of course that is honestly how grief works. And part of grieving is letting questions go unanswered and tears left rolling down our faces. This is how we become who we are meant to be. We talk, we share, we cry, we miss, we remember, and then we do it all over again. Hugging and kissing the pain doesn’t have to equal depression and it doesn’t have to mean that we are falling apart everyday. We are just us! And that is to be expected. We didn’t ask to be in this situation but we get to make the choice to walk to it out. I miss my mom and I need her right now! Its not okay that she isn’t here to squeeze my little man. She is really missing out!! He is a ridiculously cute little person! I like to pretend that she would have convinced my step-dad to move here if she was still alive. But she isn’t here to do those things and that makes sense but it still hurts like crazy that she’s not. (Breath). I feel like Forrest Gump said it best, “and thats all I have to say about that!”

I guess thats my way of saying… to be continued!

So happy to be together after two years!
Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom
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writing

The only thing I struggle with more than blogging is the look of the “new post” page on my blogger. It does not stir up within me the creative juices I wish it did. It just reminds me of the PC I typed 1000’s of words on during college homework days. So now, right now I feel like I am typing homework when I sat down to share.
So now I am convinced that “new post” pages should have pictures, coffee, cool pages and journal-type lines just like my coffee dates with Jesus in my big chair in my living room. Ahh if only my computer looked like my quiet times feel, then I could really tell my stories and share. I am so OCD sometimes, I seriously may leave this moment without sharing what I thought I really wanted to just because I am typing in Times New Roman and I feel like I have to hand this in tomorrow. Whelp there’s that, I guess I will have to create my own blog post page and sell it to the masses. It will be very hands on, michelle friendly, and definitely have more than 7 fonts to choose from.
My heart was made to share, to love, to constantly tell a story so people can feel God, feel more than just each day passing by. I want to do this. I want to write, to share, to be a voice. This is who I am.  I know this, that “before He formed me, He knew me.” He knows better than I do what He was doing when He finally set out to form what I see now as me. He intimately new every detail of me, “He knew me.” That is an intimate knowledge, a deep knowledge, more than I could ever begin to understand. Deep sigh. That is what I can put my trust in, I can rest in that. He knows what to say, he knows my story. He has and had the perfect way to put me into words. I am thankful for that today! So let the stories come, let the words and the sharing and the songs come.
4 Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
       5 “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
      Before you were born I sanctified you;
      I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” 
Jeremiah 1:4-5 (NKJV)