vulnerable

Where do you go when you are in pain, sad, frustrated, hurting. Who do you run to? I often run to food, send a voice mail, numb out on my phone. Last week I spoke at a conference and found the words tumbling out of my mouth. I challenged everyone listening to pause in those moments of grief and anger. Just stop and go to God. Tell Him about it first. Invite Him into the hard of it all. Now here I am with waves of grief hitting my heart being tested by my own challenge and instead I ate an extra cookie and muffin. But there was still a little reach in my heart. “Help…God…” I say at the sink as I load the dishwasher. I heard Him say in response. “Worship me.” So as I moved to the bedroom and folded the big pile of laundry I sang the song that literally carried me through my Dad’s death last year. 

“All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good!” And my 5 year old came in and started singing with me. I saw the ripple. An hour before that I had been laying on the couch searching info about something on my phone. My face mostly covered and not looking available. But here in my room I was weakly singing and folding and he joined me. What happened when I reached out to God. Something shifted. I think though my self -pity/victim rut often makes it even harder for me. (Not that I am the only one who struggles with that but it runs deep with me.) Because when I am hurting I do not want to work for healing. I want to hide. I want to tuck in and protect. It takes effort and work to reach out and be known. Be vulnerable. 

Eating my feelings has been a timeless way to hide. Intermittent fasting has been a beautifully exposing way to find freedom and to know God in the hard. (More on that in another blog, but I will say I started IF to lose baby weight and God 100% highjacked it and it has been one of my favorite gifts from Him!). “Come of out hiding and know Me. Know true comfort. Know the only one who can heal Your heart.” We can talk, declutter, read books and try and try and “do” all the right things to heal these hearts of ours. But I can attest to the little reach of my heart saying “God…help… I am hurting, I am mad, I am sad.” And every time if I let Him I am met by the Holy Spirit. Often I am challenged to find higher ground with Him. “Let’s do something different sweet girl. These things and ways are not serving you anymore. Let it go.” I hear Him when I let Him speak into the challenging places.

I promise seeking Him with a holy heart is the way to go. So today as Mother’s Day causes pain for some of us I know He is waiting to talk about it with us. Patiently present in the hard  moments. I have been just counting the wins. When I do not get angry about something ridiculous. Because those angry moments have a ripple affect too. They mark and hurt others, especially those we live day to day with. Who will still love us after but still what if we have. a part in changing the story.

Today I ache with the thought that it has been almost 16 years since I physically saw and hugged my Mom! That kind of separation leaves a mark, an ache. Death is so permanent. In some ways it does not hurt on the daily like it used to. But when it hurts it can sometimes catch me off guard and knock the wind right out of me. Then I can be cranky instead of vulnerable and tender. “God, I’m hurting. I miss her.” Simple prayers that change things. “I know.”  For years I honestly did not even know how to do this or even that it was so necessary. I was a push through and do it myself kind of gal. But when you find yourself married with three little kids and you are just yelling and you do not even remember why anymore you start getting desperate for a change. 

2019 was my hardest year of marriage and motherhood. But I have learned so much from that year. And I mean that. I have also learned I do not want to go back there. But I know what shifted more for me than anything else. The little prayers. “God help…” 

“Michelle, do you know that I love you, even like you right now. Right now in your hardest moment. I see you and know you even in this moment and I delight in you.”

“So you can come to me any way you are, every way you are. I am here. I will give you rest. I am what you need. No post, hack, suggestion, friendship, program can do what this can. Just you and me. Me and you.” 

Maybe you don’t hear God talk back to you when you pray those prayers of help. I had to delete social media apps for a season and turn off the YouTube shows I watched. Resist the initial urge to voice memo or Marco my friend. I had to get a little bored and uncomfortable. I had to read a chapter or more of my Bible everyday (I did and do miss days). I had to make space for His voice. Read His word to know what to listen for. Tune into His frequency to be able to hear more clearly. Let’s make space for His healing to flood in or drip in. However it happens I KNOW He will meet us in these vulnerable, weak moments. I have set my heart to not just invite Him or talk to Him when it is easy or makes sense. But in all the difficult moments when I just hid or muscled through before. 

For 7 years after I lost my mom I stumbled with this seemingly gaping hole in my heart. I longed to be healed from grief and immature decisions and just ached to be whole. I didn’t know as a single woman in ministry if I would ever get married or get to become a mom myself. But I decided to take things into my own hands. During a season of raising up partners for my ministry. I honestly stopped caring if I raised up financial partners (although I did need to pay rent and all that.) But I reached out to the ones who were willing to meet with me and said “would you pray for my husband?” Everyone I asked seemed excited to pray with me and many of them are dear friends to us today as a couple. I had to do something. I had to change my story. I couldn’t just wait and hope for something to change. And honestly the minute I started praying and asking for prayer my life changed forever. 

But guess what?? That awesome husband God gave me. He didn’t heal the hole in my heart. I know its a bummer. But its true. And he honestly doesn’t want that job either. I have tried to give it to him. (lol). Only these bit by bit prayers and invitations of weakness have healed my heart. It has a been a journey of healing and obviously its still ongoing! Let’s make a change! Be the change we want to see! No one can make my negatively go away! No one can help me ask God for help. But I know I can do it! I can change my family tree in this way. These little moments really are where all the difference is made! “Help God…” I would venture to say me crying out to God when I feel achy, broken, weak, angry, etc are His favorite moments with me. 

Let’s pray for ourselves!

Father of Glory, give to me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of your Son. Open the eyes of my heart. God give me wisdom on how to bring my pain and anger to you. Give me revelation on how You see me and who You say I am. Give me a legacy of healing and intimacy with you to pass to my children. Write a new story for them. A story of knowing You in every moment of their lives. Give us the Fear of the Lord. I love you and I am so thankful to be growing into love everyday! Meesch

Introducing Jonathan Daniel Wick!!

July 8th a whirlwind of Joy came into our lives and we are permanently blessed and changed forever! Introducing Jonathan Daniel Wick! Yes its a belated intro but anyone who has had two babies in two years will explain it all to you! 🙂

Jonathan Daniel is a joy bomb! A force of happy that is definitely to be reckoned with! He loves his brother and turns to smile at the sound of his daddy’s voice and is forever searching for that momma voice! He has certainly turned our world upside down!

His name Jonathan means “gift of God” and Daniel means “God is my judge!” I like to sing a little song to him that says Jonathan Daniel, a gift of God revealing His justice. He gives lots of mercy to his brother who is in a stage of wanting to lay on his brother, placing the full weight of his awesome 30 pounds upon his brother! Our house is a bit wild now and its just the beginning from what I have heard! We are just in love with both of these boys but covet your prayers as we raise them up in the fear of the Lord! There is no other place we would rather be right now in life but I will say it has challenged me more than I expected! But then again I didn’t really know what to expect and decided to not fear what I did not know and I had not yet done!

I get to stay home with both of them while my husband works full time and although we miss daddy each day I am so incredibly grateful to get to stay home with these sweet boys! David loves to climb up in the crib each time Jonathan wakes up from his sleep. He points at the mobile which I turn on and he snuggles up right next to Jonathan and wiggles around until I get the blanket “just” right. This has become our routine. I make sure I stop and let it happen each time, well until he get rowdy and decides its time for a doggy pile lol! Jonathan, like I said, is very forgiving as mommy rescues him!

These boys are both a Gift from God! We are so blessed!
We have also added to our number in the pet arena! We have our bunny Goodness, her new friends Buck and Little Girl, both also bunnies! As well as our new kitten Earl Grey Wick! We call him Grey! He is a cutie that got his first bath last night as well as a much needed nail trim!

Okay so that is us! The Wick family is growing and we love it! We will keep you posted!

see you tomorrow baby

A lot of you have probably been following our pregnancy progress with number two! Well, tomorrow is the big day! We can not wait to meet and snuggle our #lilmanwick2!! Some may not know but David’s birth did not go as we had hoped or planned, in fact it was all the opposite! But if it hadn’t been for our awesome doctor and nurses there is a chance that neither of us would be here now. Maybe some day I will write my entire birth story from that day but for now I’ll say that after almost 20 hours of labor, medical intervention, water breaking, and all that we ended up with an emergency c-section that revealed a pro-lapsed cord, which could have been a very bad situation. There are so many details that I am leaving out right now but God’s hand was on us during this entire situation and we were so incredibly thankful!

This past year I have had the decision on my heart if I was going to try for a natural birth again or a scheduled c-section.  There is a massive stigma placed on the surgery and it makes the decision process even more difficult. In my situation I didn’t just have a c-section because of our birth situation, it ends up that my actual pelvis has some challenges as well which is why we needed the surgery in the first place. So knowing all of these details I went to the Lord! And as I prayed I knew what I wanted to do but I didn’t really want to tell anyone lol! Its incredibly personal in the first place and I am kind of a private person. But again its not a popular option, although some would say its my decision there is still that stigma. I have even had people apologize to me that I am having a c-section. I just smile and say that we are excited and we can’t wait to meet our new son! We have also been praying for God to heal my pelvis and to change these circumstances miraculously! But in the meantime I felt strongly to schedule my section with this second baby and celebrate his coming!

So here we are… that decision was made months and months ago and tomorrow we meet him! Parts of this pregnancy have been slow (mostly the parts where I was sick with colds and sinus infections and all that!) and a majority of it has been incredibly fast (possibly because I have a 19 month old and he keeps my life speeding by)! I am so thankful for my first born, gosh he is a blessing to my heart in so many ways! He made me a momma! He gave me a dream that had been in my heart since I was a little girl! And he is so sweet and gives the best hugs. He is starting to talk and is so smart! He reminds me of his daddy everyday and gives us so many reasons to laugh and fills our house with crazy boy adventures all day long! Now there will be two of them! Whew I can barely handle the excitement in my heart! Even with the knowledge that I won’t be sleeping much for the next year or more! I don’t really care at this point! I am ecstatic!

We have incredible friends who will be caring for our first born and if you wanna pray you can pray for that to go smoothly! We haven’t spent a night away from him yet and we are expecting it to be challenging at times but I am hopeful that it will be quick and painless! Soon we will be home with our bundle and David will be helping mommy and daddy and he will be the best big brother ever! I know I am biased and I am unashamedly biased!! 🙂

So here goes nothing! Tomorrow morning at 7:30am we will be admitted and at 9:30am the surgery will begin! Then we will welcome our second boy into this world and our hearts will be so full we may just burst! Thank you for praying for us and cheering us on! It means so much for our friends and family to be apart! Love to you all!

see you tomorrow baby


A lot of you have probably been following our pregnancy progress with number two! Well, tomorrow is the big day! We can not wait to meet and snuggle our #lilmanwick2!! Some may not know but David’s birth did not go as we had hoped or planned, in fact it was all the opposite! But if it hadn’t been for our awesome doctor and nurses there is a chance that neither of us would be here now. Maybe some day I will write my entire birth story from that day but for now I’ll say that after almost 20 hours of labor, medical intervention, water breaking, and all that we ended up with an emergency c-section that revealed a pro-lapsed cord, which could have been a very bad situation. There are so many details that I am leaving out right now but God’s hand was on us during this entire situation and we were so incredibly thankful!

This past year I have had the decision on my heart if I was going to try for a natural birth again or a scheduled c-section.  There is a massive stigma placed on the surgery and it makes the decision process even more difficult. In my situation I didn’t just have a c-section because of our birth situation, it ends up that my actual pelvis has some challenges as well which is why we needed the surgery in the first place. So knowing all of these details I went to the Lord! And as I prayed I knew what I wanted to do but I didn’t really want to tell anyone lol! Its incredibly personal in the first place and I am kind of a private person. But again its not a popular option, although some would say its my decision there is still that stigma. I have even had people apologize to me that I am having a c-section. I just smile and say that we are excited and we can’t wait to meet our new son! We have also been praying for God to heal my pelvis and to change these circumstances miraculously! But in the meantime I felt strongly to schedule my section with this second baby and celebrate his coming!

So here we are… that decision was made months and months ago and tomorrow we meet him! Parts of this pregnancy have been slow (mostly the parts where I was sick with colds and sinus infections and all that!) and a majority of it has been incredibly fast (possibly because I have a 19 month old and he keeps my life speeding by)! I am so thankful for my first born, gosh he is a blessing to my heart in so many ways! He made me a momma! He gave me a dream that had been in my heart since I was a little girl! And he is so sweet and gives the best hugs. He is starting to talk and is so smart! He reminds me of his daddy everyday and gives us so many reasons to laugh and fills our house with crazy boy adventures all day long! Now there will be two of them! Whew I can barely handle the excitement in my heart! Even with the knowledge that I won’t be sleeping much for the next year or more! I don’t really care at this point! I am ecstatic!

We have incredible friends who will be caring for our first born and if you wanna pray you can pray for that to go smoothly! We haven’t spent a night away from him yet and we are expecting it to be challenging at times but I am hopeful that it will be quick and painless! Soon we will be home with our bundle and David will be helping mommy and daddy and he will be the best big brother ever! I know I am biased and I am unashamedly biased!! 🙂

So here goes nothing! Tomorrow morning at 7:30am we will be admitted and at 9:30am the surgery will begin! Then we will welcome our second boy into this world and our hearts will be so full we may just burst! Thank you for praying for us and cheering us on! It means so much for our friends and family to be apart! Love to you all!

A letter to my Mom after 10 years. Losing my mom (part 4)

Wedding Day, 2-14-97

On this day, June 11th, 2006, we lost a beautiful woman! She was a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandma, and an extravagant lover of Jesus! I have been blogging for a couple months now leading up to this anniversary and now here we are! Ten years!

Mom, Brian, and me! 1980

Dear Mom,

I miss you! We miss you! Days go by now where I don’t feel it as intensely but I know in my heart I never forget. I remember when I cook or when I go to make a call! I remember when I look at my son and anticipate the next one in four weeks. Have you seen David’s blue eyes? Can you believe how cute and smart he is? I bet you can! I wish you were here to squeeze him and tell him stories and take him on adventures! He is such a gift and has such an incredible view of the world! Reminds me of you sometimes. You had this way of looking at things! Always trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes! Remember that sign on the wall? That Indian Proverb that said “You don’t know a man until you have lived a day in his moccasins.” You lived that more than anyone else I have ever met! Always believing the best about others! Stephen is a lot like that too though. You would love him and I know you probably already do! He is incredibly kind and servant-hearted, which an incredible joy about so many things! You both get very serious about things of justice and take them very personally. Its so fun to see similarities in you both and yet you have never met! We can’t wait to meet our new baby boy, he will probably come out smiling, I wish you could snuggle him and pray over him and sing over him. But, we will make sure he gets a much love as we can give regardless!

High school graduation 1998!

We made chocolate chip pancakes this morning! David “helped” me make them and they reminded me of you and I tried to make them in mass so I would have a ton in the freezer for snacks later but somehow I think I only have like 8 left over! Made me realize how many pancakes you would flip in one morning so we could have so many extras! And you would have the waffle iron going at the same time! Super woman! Wish I could remember exactly how you made your home-made spaghetti sauce, I am sure its a not a big deal but not sure if I could ever get it “just” right! Or remember the potato cakes you would make from left over mashed potatoes! And I remember when we were younger in the house by the rail road tracks you would make pan-fried chicken and gravy with mashed potatoes and corn! Oh wow was that yummy! Brian and I would make sandwiches with the bread from the leftovers! We would stuff ourselves so full on fried chicken day! I feel like I am finally finding my cooking grove over here but would have loved to have had you on speed dial when I was trying to figure it all out!

Mom with her daycare kids at the fire station!

Ten years?! I can barely believe it’s been ten years. Jason said “Its so long they even have a special name for it, a decade!” That made it even more real. Wow. And Mandy said that the “void of silence” from you after ten years, who could ever fill that silence for you? And what an example of spirit you were! I totally agree, what kind of woman would I be even if I hadn’t had you as my momma?! I am a blessed woman! I know that void has been felt by more than just me. It has been a void of your presence, your love, your laugh, your hugs, your voice, your prayers, and so many other things. What an incredible void its been! I just wanted you to know that I stopped today! I stopped and I missed you and I ate your pancakes and I thought of all the things I wanted to tell you that this letter doesn’t even begin to touch on. Ten years is a lot to catch up on! Mom, I came to the house of prayer just like you hoped, I sang and sang and sang, I got my loans paid off, I got my teeth fixed, and I made a CD! (Which I still need to release).

Mom & me in 1981!

Mom, I got married! I married this amazing man who doesn’t expect me to be perfect and loves me everyday regardless of how clean the house is! And I have this incredible little person named David that fills my day and keeps growing so fast and you would just be in love with him! He is just incredible!! And now I am about to have another baby and you still aren’t here and I understand that in reality but in my heart I still wish you were! I still just “want my mom!” I know its not possible but its just what comes natural when I think of what my perfect “birth story” would be. Having these babies without you is just not the same but we find our way anyways!

Thanksgiving 2003! The first time our whole family (Lillich clan) were all together with mom! She was so excited! 

Thank you!! Thank you for being the mom who poured herself out day after day without a regard to who saw and how acknowledged you were! You worked really hard and I know that now! Thank you for dealing with all of my emotions and loving me regardless! Thank you for cheering me on  and embarrassing me in the grocery store line so you could tell someone how awesome of a singer I was. Even though it drove me crazy at the time. Thank you for always being you even when people didn’t understand or didn’t treat you nicely! You set the bar high in being yourself and not bending even when it wasn’t popular. Thank you for loving me, listening to my stories, calling me in all those countries, and praying for me even when you needed prayer! Thank you for always pursuing Jesus and journaling all of your struggles and prayers and tears and loving Him even when you didn’t know the end of the story!
Connie Sue you have left a mark on me and so many others! Because of you I will never be the same! I love you so much! I miss you today and every day and I CAN’T wait to see you again! My heart is filled with joy just thinking about it!
See you in my dreams!
Love you,
Your baby girl!

Mom and me 1980
Mom and me 2006
Mom and her six brothers and sisters and her mom Doris in 2005 for Grandma’s 85th bday!
Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom

Life as we knew it. Losing my mom (part 3)

Formal picture taken on the cruise April 2006

Death is so permanent. There is nothing quite like it, especially what it does to your life afterwards. My mom was the center of a universe of family and prayers and provision and love. Without her life as we knew it would never ever be the same. I woke up the second day after she died in her house which was technically full of people but it was empty and without her in so many ways we were lost at least for a while. It was her house, her decorations, her worship cds, her kitchen packed with food for the masses, and her Bible all marked up with highlighters. The house was void of her laugh, that incredible laugh she had, I hear it sometimes! It comes out of my own mouth and even my husband has grown to recognize the Connie laugh even though technically he has never met my mom. She is hard to miss! I especially hear her when I am talking to my little boy! This familiarity used to grate me as a teenager, “I am not like my mom!” We fight those similarities until you lose the person you have them with; after that you cling to them!

Last picture taken of my mom and me!

Life as I knew it was full of my mom’s friendship and her prayers! I had been overseas for over two years and my mom had become my closest friend. She would call, listen, pray, and cry with me about everything that had been going on in Australia and the countries I traveled to. And when I got home she gave me my step-dad’s cell phone so I could call her whenever I wanted although I think during that three months before the accident! What a gift! We talked and talked and talked when we weren’t together which was such a gift because I never had a cell phone during college or my time overseas so our calls were always limited to my location and a phone card! But as always my mom was the center of that as well, she pursued me and helped me be able to talk to others back home too. Come to think of it mom was the center all growing up too. She was always there, you could always count on her to bring you forgotten homework even if she had to load up all of the daycare kids to bring it to school for you. Some parents wouldn’t have done that but mom did. She always cooked, baked, sang, went to church, brought you to church unless you were puking! She was always herself! If that was happy or sad or frustrated or worn out! She was so consistently Connie! I am sure she struggled with embracing herself on the inside but from our view she was Connie and that was that!

Easter 2006 with the most but not all of the Lillich family!
Grandma and her grand-daughter Haley

And on June 11th, 2006 all of that changed forever, well at least for us, it was permanent. There was nothing we could do and it tore me apart from the inside out. How could you have a whirlwind of love and depth around you like that and then in a moment completely gone? How do you grasp the intensity of that? She was love, she was comfort, she was servant hearted, she was a fighter, she was my prayer covering, she was wisdom, she was patient, and she was a companion! These past ten years have been a force of grief to be reckoned with! Of course in the beginning it was daily and now its more so holidays, important days, and when I let myself think of what an amazing grandma she would be. One thing that has not changed is the fifth that she gave to me as a little girl who would get scared in the middle of the night. My mom was a heavy heavy sleeper so this was not the best time to try and get her attention. But she was faithful to teach me how to pray, specifically how to talk to Jesus and tell him how I was feeling. That is the part of “life as I know it” that has never changed! She gave me a legacy to pass to my babies and for them to pass to there’s! She might have taught me out of desperation (of a tired mommy) for me to go to sleep but I know deep down it was how she was living out her faith and she passed on to me the keys to life!

I still haven’t gotten those pictures out of the suit case yet. I meant to do it before my next baby comes. Now I have less than 6 weeks lol! Its funny how ten years could pass and I am still procrastinating grief! I think it makes me normal. I remember singing a duet with my mom once. We sang “As the Deer” at a woman’s meeting (I think). It blessed her so much that I would sing “with” her! I sang “Call on Jesus” by Nicole C. Mullen at her funeral.  I wasn’t going to sing at first and I had even told my family no about it. But I was getting ready a couple mornings before the service and heard that song and felt God telling me that I needed to sing it. I am not sure if anyone remembers the day of the funeral but I know that I have never sang like that before or since. It was so powerful and so meaningful and afterwards I invited people to give their lives to Jesus. I knew I had to! That is why she lived! She lived for Him! And now she is continuing to live for Him! Its the only thing that continues! The only part that is permanent in a different way than death. And it wasn’t in vain because I know some of the people who surrendered that day and their lives have never been the same! I blame mom! She prayed and prayed and prayed and of course its at her funeral that gave their lives! Such a beautiful picture of a seed falling to the ground. That would have meant more to her than anything I could have said or done at her funeral! And I know she was so proud of her “baby girl” singing on a stage on a day like that day! Especially when she knew that singing was going to be the hardest thing that I could decide to do that day or any day after! She was cheering for us then and she is cheering for us now! And through it all she is singing of how good God is! No matter what! And I agree!

Mom with just born Dreghton
VBS in Atwood 2006
Mom, Marlin, & Dreghton just hours old

  

To God be the glory, great things he has done;

so loved he the world that he gave us his Son,
who yielded his life an atonement for sin,
and opened the lifegate that we may go in.
Refrain:
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the earth hear his voice!
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the people rejoice!
O come to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory; great things he has done.

Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom

A mom without a mom. Losing my mom (part 2)

First picture after not seeing each other for two years!

Mother’s day was this past Sunday and it was a very different day for me this year! I am 30 weeks pregnant with my second boy and in love with chasing after my almost 18 month old firstborn son. We spent the weekend doing things as a family which is also my favorite thing: quality time! So amazingly this time Mother’s Day did not sting as much or blindside me with the constant reminder that my own mom was no longer here to celebrate. The first celebration after I lost my mom was incredibly difficult; there were signs every reminding me to buy a card, a present, or take my mom out. I was overwhelmed and under-prepared! It made her birthday look easy to get through honestly since I didn’t have to deal with all of the marketing. I remember driving around trying to see the road through my tears and I saw a garden store and pulled over. I bought a hanging plant for my front porch with huge flowers that I thought she would have loved.

Mother’s Day 2006

I am sure its understandable to see why the sting of loss gets easier over the years but one thing is getting harder for me. Having babies and raising them without my mom has got to be the hardest thing for me right now. Mother’s day as a whole has become easy because its on a Sunday and my husband is home and we can fill it with activities and the time flies. But day-in-day-out there are so many things questions left un-answered and conversations that just can not happen. I thankfully don’t feel the despondency of this loss intensely on a daily basis but if I could explain my great sadness as a mom it would not be “baby blues” or “post-pardem,” although I am sure I dealt with these things since I see them as a normal part of the process, but it would be the massive vacuum I feel wanting to share these precious people with her. You have to understand, my mom was a Grandma! She was an amazing grandma! I watched her love her grand babies fiercely! She took them for the weekend, she gave advice to my step-sister when she needed it, she taught them about Jesus! I got to watch and I got to get excited for my time to come someday when she would do the same for my babies! We even talked about it. We both shared our grief with the idea that if I stayed in overseas missions and potentially got married over there and started having children that it would be so challenging to be far away from each other. We were excited at the time because Skype was becoming more popular and video chat would make it easier to be far apart. I love that we talked about this then, it made me know her heart, her desire to be close to her grand babies that were not even alive yet!

Mom and Marlin on the cruise

I feel like this subject is much harder for me write about, its fresh. In fact, its almost news to me how big of a deal this is in my life. I have known grief and I have walked through pain, but this is a daily part of living without my mom. I’m not ready to explain it away yet or to put a Bible verse on it. I am in the feeling stage and the walking it out in a real way. My son is in that stage where he is learning who people are and making connections with them. I know pictures and stories will be the way we teach him about his Grandma Connie but I also know how much he would have loved her! He can tell a joyful, kind person from like a mile away! He gave a hug to a sweet woman at a service we were at last week. This is not something he does very often but it was so sweet to her as he put his arms out to this woman, who of course reminded me a bit of my own mom!

My mom had a daycare in our house from the time I turned 7 until 17 years old. So I watched her take care of other people’s babies for years! We took trips to the library, the park, and of course during the summer we were daily at the pool! She taught them songs, always prayed before lunch, and let them play for hours in the back yard! I got trained as a momma by my mom from a very young age and for that I am thankful and reflective of what that did to impact me as a mom now. But I still want her on speed dial! “He isn’t eating, will he start sleeping, can you come take him for a night, mom what do I do??” “Am I doing a good job?” I never contemplated how much I would need her right now! The 8 years before I had my first baby, even my wedding seems now easy compared to this! I guess the next question to ask is “what is the Lord saying?”

Grandma with Grand-daughter Riley

Personally, I was raised by my mom, but beyond that I also spent a ton of time during my childhood with my dad’s mom, Grandma Phyllis and my mom’s mom Grandma Doris! Both of these women taught me so much even if they didn’t really ever know it. My Grandma Phyllis kept us one weekend a month out on my grandparent’s farm. My favorite thing to do with her was play make-believe and she would do it with me for hours. We would pretend to take the tractor to the store to get supplies to make food for my “restaurant” and then we would go back inside so she could pretend to order from my restaurant and eat my pretend food! Hours! Seriously, I can’t even imagine how she did that! My Grandma Doris often got me or my brother for days at a time due to sickness. Unfortunately when your mom runs a daycare in your home instead of being cared for by your mom when you are sick instead you are shipped off to Grandma’s house! It was honestly not so bad! Grandpa would let us watch tv with him and Grandma taught me how to make angel food cake from scratch! They were an incredible part of my upbringing and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.

This blog feels a bit up and down but of course that is honestly how grief works. And part of grieving is letting questions go unanswered and tears left rolling down our faces. This is how we become who we are meant to be. We talk, we share, we cry, we miss, we remember, and then we do it all over again. Hugging and kissing the pain doesn’t have to equal depression and it doesn’t have to mean that we are falling apart everyday. We are just us! And that is to be expected. We didn’t ask to be in this situation but we get to make the choice to walk to it out. I miss my mom and I need her right now! Its not okay that she isn’t here to squeeze my little man. She is really missing out!! He is a ridiculously cute little person! I like to pretend that she would have convinced my step-dad to move here if she was still alive. But she isn’t here to do those things and that makes sense but it still hurts like crazy that she’s not. (Breath). I feel like Forrest Gump said it best, “and thats all I have to say about that!”

I guess thats my way of saying… to be continued!

So happy to be together after two years!
Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom