I was reading in Psalm 42 today and realized some things. I need time to poke around in my heart and see what’s really there. It says “Why are you cast down, O MY soul?…” So its my soul, my job, my responsibility not anyone else’s to look at and deal with. I am the steward over my own soul, the gatekeeper, I decide what goes in and what comes out. I have too often expected others to find what’s wrong with me and fix it. Or even wanting God to just fix me, but I don’t want to do the leg work of finding out what’s really going on and talk to him about it. And then next week I still feel down cast about the same thing. A new chorus I have been singing..”let’s talk about my heart, let’s talk about the hard things, let’s talk about the fears inside of me.” In other words, hey soul lets get to work so we can get free from the fear. I often talk a lot but not about what is really going on. Then it all builds and builds and builds and whoa… explosion!! Not good! I can’t pour my heart out to the Lord for real if I haven’t given my heart/soul a good thorough looking at? What if I don’t even know what is wrong, I have to be intentional with Michelle, she’s worth the time and talk!! Its a different way to look at quiet times or processing. I have to let the word have its way with me right! But I have to do my part!
what’s hard
being real, holidays away from “home”, friendships, schedules, discipline, loving people, boundaries, patience, forgiveness, singing from my heart, honesty, MONEY, trusting God, emotions, getting hurt, being vulnerable, losing my mom and thinking about christmas, being still, believing what he says about me, avoiding this blog because i don’t wanna talk about what is hard…
silly little giggle
Have you ever wondered what Jesus’ laugh sounded like? There was a freedom on tonight’s intercession that I have not felt since I joined Zadok House of Prayer! We sang “I am free!” and sang prophetically over people!! I don’t even know how to explain what happens when God shows up and I can just sing freely! I sang like I didn’t care what people think! I really got a deeper level of freedom from fear of man!! I started singing “I got the joy, joy, joy, joy; down in my heart” song. Then I got this line in my head and sang it out “I got His silly little giggle, down in my heart!” Wish you could have been there, it was so much fun!! Maybe I will get the recording and put it on my music myspace?!!
I’m hooked
Here I am again!! yay… tonight was awesome, I got to play and sing a devotional set with my guitar. First the good sound guy was there and set my voice like “wow!!” And then I just started worshipping, kept going almost the whole time on and on about the love of God and his thoughts about me. I have this song called “For me” and its out of Psalm 139. Here’s the chorus line.
wise guy
Tonight i have been studying the wisest guy in the world to have ever lived, Solomon. I did a character study on him and I am just scratching the surface of understanding this man. I am mostly studying him to understand the Song of Solomon. I really never knew about this book until about five years ago when I felt to read it. God used it in a HUGE way to show his love to me. It worked. During my School of Worship outreach in Australia in 2003 I felt waves of God’s love on a daily basis. He basically wooed my heart with this incredible yet mysterious book! So this past few weeks I have felt the urgency to go back to the book and become a student of it. Rather than just experiencing the initial joy of experiencing God’s love, to go deeper in it and really DIG!
WAITING, Repeating
The older you get the longer you are waiting for things promised that haven’t happened yet. So I think waiting for a couple of years is agony. I can’t imagine how Abraham felt. Waiting has a lot to do with hope and trust. I am not so sure I understand any of these words but I really want to. As I have been sitting in the house of prayer I have realized a few things. I have no idea how to sit and just “be still and know that I am God” and the other thing is that is exactly what I needed to realize. We think we know it all, we really think we know everything! Its amazing, you graduate junior high and your like, “check, i got it,” then high school, then college, then you do missions and you become the EXPERT at whatever. I am a teacher (bossy) by sheer personality so i just unload information on whoever will listen. but its not true!! We don’t know everything and its takes so much pressure off yourself to just admit it right off the bat! Humble yourself… not like “duh i don’t know nothin” but just being willing to admit in even an area of your own expertize that you really aren’t the expert. It sets you up to be teachable. Everyone will admit that someone who is teachable is so much nicer to be around than someone who is blind to their need to be teachable (look up Jeremiah 9:23-24). This verse has been haunting me for years. In the end of it, it says ” let he who boasts boast in this, that he knows and understands me that i am the Lord…” YAY permission to know stuff and brag about it! I love it! the only thing in life i have permission to brag about it HIM!!
New Thang
Writing blogs is kind of like the first time I rode a bike, I kept putting out my legs to catch myself. So sometimes I will probably sound like I am being real and other times like I am writing a college paper. Bare with me, as I practice it should get better. To me “blogging” is permission to ramble so if thats not true then someone let me know. Because I am about to cut lose. Not used to journaling where ALL can see but here I am doing at least a once a week update on Michelle’s life. Read at own risk!!
SING
I really just want to sing. To pour out my heart to God in a song or ten!! I am done doing all the other things that it seems like i am equipped to do! I am really done chasing after ministry, position, and fulfillment. I am sick of trying to be someone I am not!! No more wondering, I am just going to do it! Making a CD does not equal success to me but it would definitely make a statement that I am walking toward this! No more second guessing myself or my calling!
Try Again
I’ve been learning how to get back on my horse! God’s love is not based on my ability or on my failures. Knowing this information should help me right!! I should just automatically let go of offense or give myself grace when I screw up. But for some reason it doesn’t work that way in my head! I want it to!
Its a New Day!!
I wrote a song in 2005 called “trust in you.” It was very needed at the time, but now I see how much it was for this moment in my life right now!