My counselor let me borrow her copy of “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene’ Brown last month. I had honestly not cognitively heard of her before this point. I am usually the one dragging my feet to read or listen to the latest person i am “supposed” to read or listen to. So here I am. I would like to say that she should come with a sign that says “Enter At Your Own Risk” and lots of orange cones because this is not the type of information that you can just read and skip off happily away from. This is deep.
I knew it was going to be heavy so before I could even open the book I watched a couple videos of her off YouTube. Go ahead google her, you will thank me later! I think I watched 3 or 5 of her videos and then I felt like we had become friends or I had least heard her voice enough I can now hear it as I read the book. That helps me allow her to take me into these deep waters! And I told a few friends about her her too and texted them the videos! So now I have them on my page too! I didn’t really want to do all of this alone, now I have a cheering squad.
Here are my favorite videos so far:
Here are my favorite videos so far:
Her first TED talk on vulnerability: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
Her second TED talk: https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0
About her daughter: https://youtu.be/h-JBMD4ok-8
Self hatred and rejection have long been something I have battled with. Perfectionism. Running from my story. Longing for another one. Any other story. Wanting to just control one part of life so I could keep it in order so I could feel safe and secure. Or the classic, “I will be who you want me to be so I can belong.” Maybe most people wouldn’t recognize these things in me, probably because I am being someone you want me to be. I don’t know. Mostly because I haven’t shared a whole lot about my past. It becomes challenging when the people involved may read this or be exposed by the writing of it. I am not sure how other people write about those personal things but I am not ready for all of that yet.
So basically I am saying I don’t have the answers, not even one at this point. Just questions mostly.
Do you know that if you don’t love yourself you actually can not love others? Not really. The limitation put on my heart to love others stops at how I treat myself. I almost just deleted this whole thing. lol. Well everything after the first paragraph. Oh well.
“Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.” (GofI pg 27)
What makes me worthy of love and belonging? What makes me worthy? or valuable? Do I think I am worthy? There are days I hate that I still struggle with these questions. Vicious cycle for reals. Let’s settle the question. You are worthy always, no matter what. (GotI pg 24) No. Matter. What.
I am choosing to be courageous and ask these questions. I am setting aside all the other things that I could be doing or distracting myself with to take a look.
What does it look like to be affectionate with myself? How would loving myself change my marriage, my parenting? The way I trust and love others?
I want to at this point explain myself so people don’t think I am depressed lol. But oh well. Even if this is messy I am going to talk about it and do it. We don’t actually have to have it together all the time. I want my two year old and ten month old to understand that. To experience that. To know love and belonging and worthiness deep on the inside of themselves. To not apologize for who they are and their story. How do I make that happen because if I could control it I know I would!! Its this crazy thing called self-love and practicing it. Its more than a break to a coffee shop and buying myself a new tube of lipstick.
Its the daily conversation inside my head. Its fighting for myself like I know my mom would if she were here. I am worth it. I am letting go and choosing to love me. No matter what happens. Vulnerable and fearless I will be.