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A mom without a mom. Losing my mom (part 2)

First picture after not seeing each other for two years!

Mother’s day was this past Sunday and it was a very different day for me this year! I am 30 weeks pregnant with my second boy and in love with chasing after my almost 18 month old firstborn son. We spent the weekend doing things as a family which is also my favorite thing: quality time! So amazingly this time Mother’s Day did not sting as much or blindside me with the constant reminder that my own mom was no longer here to celebrate. The first celebration after I lost my mom was incredibly difficult; there were signs every reminding me to buy a card, a present, or take my mom out. I was overwhelmed and under-prepared! It made her birthday look easy to get through honestly since I didn’t have to deal with all of the marketing. I remember driving around trying to see the road through my tears and I saw a garden store and pulled over. I bought a hanging plant for my front porch with huge flowers that I thought she would have loved.

Mother’s Day 2006

I am sure its understandable to see why the sting of loss gets easier over the years but one thing is getting harder for me. Having babies and raising them without my mom has got to be the hardest thing for me right now. Mother’s day as a whole has become easy because its on a Sunday and my husband is home and we can fill it with activities and the time flies. But day-in-day-out there are so many things questions left un-answered and conversations that just can not happen. I thankfully don’t feel the despondency of this loss intensely on a daily basis but if I could explain my great sadness as a mom it would not be “baby blues” or “post-pardem,” although I am sure I dealt with these things since I see them as a normal part of the process, but it would be the massive vacuum I feel wanting to share these precious people with her. You have to understand, my mom was a Grandma! She was an amazing grandma! I watched her love her grand babies fiercely! She took them for the weekend, she gave advice to my step-sister when she needed it, she taught them about Jesus! I got to watch and I got to get excited for my time to come someday when she would do the same for my babies! We even talked about it. We both shared our grief with the idea that if I stayed in overseas missions and potentially got married over there and started having children that it would be so challenging to be far away from each other. We were excited at the time because Skype was becoming more popular and video chat would make it easier to be far apart. I love that we talked about this then, it made me know her heart, her desire to be close to her grand babies that were not even alive yet!

Mom and Marlin on the cruise

I feel like this subject is much harder for me write about, its fresh. In fact, its almost news to me how big of a deal this is in my life. I have known grief and I have walked through pain, but this is a daily part of living without my mom. I’m not ready to explain it away yet or to put a Bible verse on it. I am in the feeling stage and the walking it out in a real way. My son is in that stage where he is learning who people are and making connections with them. I know pictures and stories will be the way we teach him about his Grandma Connie but I also know how much he would have loved her! He can tell a joyful, kind person from like a mile away! He gave a hug to a sweet woman at a service we were at last week. This is not something he does very often but it was so sweet to her as he put his arms out to this woman, who of course reminded me a bit of my own mom!

My mom had a daycare in our house from the time I turned 7 until 17 years old. So I watched her take care of other people’s babies for years! We took trips to the library, the park, and of course during the summer we were daily at the pool! She taught them songs, always prayed before lunch, and let them play for hours in the back yard! I got trained as a momma by my mom from a very young age and for that I am thankful and reflective of what that did to impact me as a mom now. But I still want her on speed dial! “He isn’t eating, will he start sleeping, can you come take him for a night, mom what do I do??” “Am I doing a good job?” I never contemplated how much I would need her right now! The 8 years before I had my first baby, even my wedding seems now easy compared to this! I guess the next question to ask is “what is the Lord saying?”

Grandma with Grand-daughter Riley

Personally, I was raised by my mom, but beyond that I also spent a ton of time during my childhood with my dad’s mom, Grandma Phyllis and my mom’s mom Grandma Doris! Both of these women taught me so much even if they didn’t really ever know it. My Grandma Phyllis kept us one weekend a month out on my grandparent’s farm. My favorite thing to do with her was play make-believe and she would do it with me for hours. We would pretend to take the tractor to the store to get supplies to make food for my “restaurant” and then we would go back inside so she could pretend to order from my restaurant and eat my pretend food! Hours! Seriously, I can’t even imagine how she did that! My Grandma Doris often got me or my brother for days at a time due to sickness. Unfortunately when your mom runs a daycare in your home instead of being cared for by your mom when you are sick instead you are shipped off to Grandma’s house! It was honestly not so bad! Grandpa would let us watch tv with him and Grandma taught me how to make angel food cake from scratch! They were an incredible part of my upbringing and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.

This blog feels a bit up and down but of course that is honestly how grief works. And part of grieving is letting questions go unanswered and tears left rolling down our faces. This is how we become who we are meant to be. We talk, we share, we cry, we miss, we remember, and then we do it all over again. Hugging and kissing the pain doesn’t have to equal depression and it doesn’t have to mean that we are falling apart everyday. We are just us! And that is to be expected. We didn’t ask to be in this situation but we get to make the choice to walk to it out. I miss my mom and I need her right now! Its not okay that she isn’t here to squeeze my little man. She is really missing out!! He is a ridiculously cute little person! I like to pretend that she would have convinced my step-dad to move here if she was still alive. But she isn’t here to do those things and that makes sense but it still hurts like crazy that she’s not. (Breath). I feel like Forrest Gump said it best, “and thats all I have to say about that!”

I guess thats my way of saying… to be continued!

So happy to be together after two years!
Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom
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Losing my mom (part 1)

Through out my life loss has been a theme. First it was observing abuse, then it was experiencing abuse, then it was more real through my parent’s divorce, then one summer losing friends through a vehicle accident, and grandparents passing on top of that. But nothing could have prepared me for losing my mom. I know the veil is thin, she is dancing before the throne, and one day again we will be together but for now she is gone and this has been the most painful loss of all. 

In a month it will be 10 years since a car accident took my mom from this earth and I am thankful for the time which has healed more than I know but it doesn’t seem like that long at all. The months leading up to her accident I was home on furlough from being a full time missionary overseas working with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). So we had been spending almost all of that time together until just a week before the accident. My stepdad, mom, and I even went on a cruise to the Carribean for six days when I landed in the US from being gone for two whole years. My mom could not wait to see me and drove straight down to Texas to meet me a whole night before she was supposed to! I have pictures of her face when she saw me for the first time in two years! If anyone knew her they can imagine what she would do to see her “baby girl!” 

Vacation together! 


My mom was a tenacious lover of people! Especially her kids! During the four years I spent in missions she would always find a way to call me, no matter the nation I was in! And packages would appear at the host homes even in South Africa I got hot chocolate and Reece’s Peanut Butter cups!! She was a force to be reckoned with, a Momma with a burning heart for Jesus! After the cruise she instantly wanted to find a church to go to. Although I also love Jesus I told her no, “no mom, we are not going to go to church today, we are going to get off of this huge boat, find something to eat, and make it to Wichita before dark!” I probably broke a piece of her heart but she said okay, this woman loved to worship and be at church! She loved to go wherever we were, whenever she could! And that was where she was the night she died. She had just left a church meeting in Hoxie, Kansas and was headed home to Atwood when the driver of another car drove through a highway stop-sign and T-boned her car, killing her almost instantly. And in that moment, at 50 years old, she was living her biggest dream and that was to see the face of Jesus, her beloved one! 

I know so often when we lose someone we can blow out of proportion the “amazingness” of the one we lose. I do that sometimes and then I remember that she also used to drive me crazy lol! But I can not exaggerate how my mom loved the Lord. That would never be possible! She set a precedent for me that I am not even sure I would know how to surpass and I am okay with that. She journaled daily and poured her heart out to God constantly. She was a prayer away from Him and dialed in more often than I could know. She studied the word, constantly listened to teachings, and worship, at church, at a bible study, or a conference. Why does all this matter? Because I have met many people who teach how to be a tenacious lover of Jesus and I know few who do it on a daily basis like my mom did! And it matters even more because this is my inheritance! She paved a way for me and for my children to walk in love and with an un-offended heart! This is gold in my book! 

Oh the banana cake!! 

Okay deep breath. My mom loved Hawaiian banana bread with lots of cream cheese frosting. We went on a road trip together during my break and she frosted the muffins she had made and put them in a zip lock bag and of course that meant every time she or I wanted one she would have to reach her hand in and get covered in frosting. This did not hurt her feelings at all, we were laughing hysterically about this one and I got some cute pictures too! My mom’s eyes smiled, there was joy about her that was contagious yet a depth of pain and suffering that she had walked through in her life that made it more than happiness. She was truly joyful, and believed the best about people and circumstances even in the face of adversity. I think she honestly taught me how to grieve even before I had to grieve losing her. She would feel it and let it happen to her, I was a runner and just wanted it to go away and everything to be better or the same again! But this time I didn’t have a choice. 

Selfie on the cruise before selfies were cool!

Grief is a crazy thing! I was only 25 when I lost my mom and so there is so much of my life since then that I have lived without her. A void that was left and not filled honestly until I got married two years ago. My husband obviously didn’t become my mom or something but our union healed so much of the pain of loss that I lived with for the 8 years. I know there are many books on grieving, but most people that I share my experience with mention that I should teach on it. I had a friend who lost a child ask me for my story three years ago but until now I am not sure if I could have written any of this. I have beat myself up and said I should have done a grief group or counseling or something, anything. Within the weeks and months after the accident the one thing I felt to do was sing. That was the most painful thing I could have thought about doing. Seems easy. But for a singer. No way. And to sing to God. To worship, to surrender. Or to write a song that would put words to the pain that I was in. That seemed impossible for sure. I was so lost, (not unsaved, just in a fog) and the pain was as if I had been snapped in half. It was the most dehabilitating experience of my life. My heart felt like it was literally broken, like physically something was wrong with me. I cried and cried and cried and cried, and when it felt like I had no more tears left I cried some more. And it wasn’t just hysterical crying, it was deep groans almost screaming from the inside out. I was crushed and I didn’t know what to do. 

But I obeyed, I sang. I had a picture of the ocean crashing wave upon wave on the shore. I had just spent a lot of time in the ocean the years prior so I knew what it was like to be in them. Often the waves would catch me just right and suck me under flipping me in the water and spit me on the shore. It was definitely overwhelming but not really that big of a deal once it was over most times. This is how the Holy Spirit explained my grief to me. It was like a wave that I was running from but once I let it hit me and let the tears and cries out then it was better after that. The scripture He would bring to me day after day was Psalm 30:5 “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” The picture of the wave crashing over me but then it was over. The joy came. And I didn’t usually have to wait until the morning, within a short time of releases those tears I would feel the release and relief of the sorrow in my heart. I think this process kept me from becoming angry. During this time I wrote several songs about my grief and my loss. Singing, although it was extremely painful, was so helpful as well. And writing has always been an outlet for me. I would always know when I was dealing with some of the deep things when my journal was silent for a season. A season without words or sometimes even songs. At first I was worried that I was depressed but I clung to the thought that God knew my thoughts from afar and he wasn’t worried at all. I tried to go back to normal, whatever that was, but for a few years I was searching, searching for home I guess. Grief is intense and everyone’s experience with it is different, yet I have met several people that resonate with my experience. Giving grief a voice and a place in my life has been so helpful as I process my story.  

I am so thankful that God gave me a mom like Connie Sue! She was and still is a gift to me! I cherish the years I got with her and of course would give anything to have more years! But I have a peace within me about it, I still have tears, and I even have a few regrets. Nothing that a little song can’t fix.

I love you mom,
your baby girl!

First time seeing mom after two years!
Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”
Part 1: Losing my mom

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I am a mom

These past two years have flown by…marriage, baby David, and now we wait for baby boy #2 to come in July and we are so excited! Right now life is full of sticks, dirt, discovery, and all things outside! David runs to the door in his pjs and proclaims “ouudide” which as I translate is “come on momma lets go OUTSIDE!” There is so much to explore, discover, and experience that he can hardly contain himself much less focus to get clothes and shoes on so we can get outside! But I love it, I love the determination in his eyes and the passion for all things boy! I think my favorite part is that he does it without being told! What dirt… this must go on my head, in my clothes, in my mouth, and down my shoes! I was worried that our backyard would fall short with our kiddos because we haven’t purchased any swing sets or even small slide/play house things yet. But today I watch him sit in a pile of dirt with his shovel and play for over ten minutes and then proceed to the strawberry patch to fiddle with something for another ten minutes. I just let him wonder around and I sighed with relief, “yep this will do just fine!”

So I am a mom. I know I am kind of late to the party since I am already pregnant with number two but something has happened in my heart since David started walking, talking, and participating more in our lives. I have been a mom since conception but I have become a mom this past year and its done something to my heart that made me step back and realize “wow, now I am a mom!” I can’t wait to meet number two but of course I am having those thoughts of “how can you love another?” and “how can you not?” and “seriously this is crazy! two under two!” and “I am so excited I need this pregnancy to hurry hurry up!” and then I look at David growing and growing and exclaim “SLOW DOWN!!!!! Ahhh!”  I am sure someone can relate right? LOL! Anyways all of these thoughts make it official! “I am a mom!” Including the constant search for his next wardrobe, great deals on diapers, toys, and all things kids! I have always been a shopper but being a mom takes it to another level and I am sorry but not all consignment sales are created equal and I can’t wait to go to one that exceeds my expectations! So far, not so much!

So all that being said I am living my dream! Married by 33 and a momma by 34!! I have such a grateful heart and the wait was totally worth it although at times I wasn’t so patient. Waiting is not easy but that is a post for another day! For now I am just going to savor these days, that is the advice I have received from every single 50 plus parent/grandparent! I am going to enjoy them like they are ending tomorrow and seriously thank God for each and every day! I know to do it because honestly it is already going too fast! And I am learning to have a single focus even if that means saying no the “good” things so I can say YES wholeheartedly to motherhood. I “get to” in this season and I know that it is how I can give my heart fully to the Lord right now! It took me a minute to figure all of that out, which makes sense since I came out of 12 plus years of full time ministry with a very loaded schedule. So for a bit I wasn’t sure what this season was supposed to look like BUT now I have a vision and I am giving it all I have.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

 
 

 


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15 Minute Journals

So being a new mom at first I thought I would never get to use two hands again at the same time. A little dramatic but it felt very true. Now that I am three months plus into the thick of this I have come up for air a few times and even found my journal! I love writing out my thoughts, even while Stephen and I were dating I wrote after every single one of our dates! I have those precious thoughts to hold onto and go back and cherish. So now I realize I have almost nothing from these past three months as far as journals or thoughts to put together as sentences.

A few years ago when I was doing some more research on grief and counseling I found this author, Susan Zimmerman, and her book on grief, “Writing to heal the soul.”

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Ha! I just found the beginnings of this sweet little blog post! I love love love that its from over 9 months ago and yet its so applicable to my new rhythm of mom-life and not to mention today is New Year’s Day, so we might as well put a new stake in the ground for journalling! In the book I talk about above she gives questions to answer about grief and life and then encourages you to write for 15 minutes without stopping! It’s such a great exercise and you would be surprised how much you can say and how refreshing it is to do! Sometimes I will do it on the laptop when I have a lot of “beans” to spill and sometimes on my pen and paper! My mother would journal on anything that had a little white margin or space on it! I would find her church bulletins full of her “Dear Lord Jesus” journal entries! I guess the point is… write, write, write! You would be surprised how much it will clear your head, calm the drama, fill your heart with hope, and cause you to soar in this new year! Even as a mom I can do a lot of things in 15 minutes! Well at least during nap time I can. So here I go again, committing to my 15 minutes, however I can get it done! I will pour out my soul and watch my heart soar!

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i am thankful for this day

How do we show true gratitude for something or someone? During this past challenging season in my life I found myself struggling to not feel overwhelmed by the people who came and cared for us. How do I ever truly say THANK YOU? What does that look like in my heart? During my senior year in high school we got a new English teacher and she was my first period teacher. So as I was flying into my seat after my mom had to almost literally drag me out of bed I was challenged with this assignment for six weeks. A gratitude journal. Each morning I had to write down two things I was thankful for and why. Some of my entries were fairly sarcastic BUT I have never forgotten that challenge. And although it was during Thanksgiving time that we did this assignment it has marked me for life.
Here is the other thing that keeps getting me in trouble. Before David, my almost one year old baby, was even born I saw this Veggietales book in a kiosk at a gas station on I-70. I had to buy it and it even sings for you!! Well now he loves it and we read it and play the song every morning. It has become our routine. It’s called, “I thank God for this day!” The song goes like this.

 “Because a thankful heart is a happy heart. I’m glad for what I have-thats an easy way to start. For the love that He shares ’cause He listens to my prayers-that’s why I say thanks everyday!”

Now David can not talk in sentences yet but I challenge myself to say out loud what I am grateful for! Here we are again in a habit of thankfulness! I am so thankful that I am a momma! It challenges so many things in me daily but it also gives me a chance to learn things fresh, to learn them all over again!
But how do we show true gratitude? How do we let people know that we are thankful? We live our lives! We say it and mean it! We bless others and pay it forward! We live like there is no tomorrow! We strive to be the best version of ourselves and find joy in the mundane! When I see my friends and family thriving it fills me with JOY it fills me with hope for myself! At times its causes me to look inside myself and ask questions. Sometimes it even causes jealousy but I get to chose to dwell there or surrender that to Jesus. I get to live life to the fullest and take time to be grateful for all God has blessed me with!! It is truly the only response necessary!
Well today I am thankful for God giving me an incredible husband, the sweetest little boy, and family and friends that fill the in between moments! I am grateful for words to write here and to sing there! I am grateful for people who live in truth and challenge me to do the same. I am grateful for this day because I know like many others that we aren’t always promised tomorrow! I am grateful for my home church that raised me, loved me, sent me, and taught me about the Bible! I am grateful for crazy Royals parades with 1000’s of people. I am grateful for a Veggietales book that starts my day with my little man right! I am grateful for the Word of God and where would my life be without it! I am grateful for redemption and mercy and the Cross! And I am grateful for Fall and hot chai on a chilly day! What are you grateful for?

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the power of prayer

Again I feel the seasons changing in my heart and life! I have been fairly silent this past summer and I can not pinpoint the reason honestly yet I can list the things that have added to my silence and also caused deep reflection. But hopefully through this long post it will all make sense!

My heart aches with how much I love my almost one year old baby boy David Jeremiah! He is an overwhelming source of JOY and of gratitude to God! He is walking now and changing every day! I can’t express what being a mom has done inside my heart. Which of course will explain the randomness of this post. When its been this long you just get the jumbled mess no matter how hard you try to focus! And I stayed up watching the Royals last night so I’m a bit tired. Did I also mention that my husband Stephen is an amazing man? I have to tell you we had an awesome first year of marriage and we are still going strong!! EVEN with a baby! It is possible!! Be encouraged!

Okay so here is the real point of my writing. I miss being a “missionary” or in ministry and here I will tell you why. When you are putting yourself out there so you can do missions you have people consciously praying for you, fighting for you! You are also writing newsletters and posting updates about your work as well as ways you need prayer. Its not that you can’t share prayer requests with people when you are no longer termed as a missionary but its not as conscious! During my time at the house of prayer I went home and invited people to join my partnership team and I specifically asked people to sign up to pray for me even if they weren’t able to partner financially. The response was overwhelming and my life absolutely changed after that season. I had people specifically praying for God to give me a husband and well you probably know the rest of that season! I am not a very shy person and I love sharing my story but this past year I haven’t felt as covered in prayer. I have honestly felt like our family has been under attack and that I need to boldly ask again for prayer. I really never left “ministry.” I continued to lead prayer sets at the house of prayer during my pregnancy as a sub and just recently I have been leading weekly back our beloved Hope City mission and prayer room.  Stephen helps six months of the year with ministry here that ministers to people with sexual/relational brokenness. So our family is still keeping our foot (or toe somedays) in ministry.

Sharing this is only a reflection. I promise its not a pity party or a complaint against people for not praying for me. Its really a big fat DUH for me and a verbal process for me to realize that WOW I should let people know that this past year has been a long list of trials in our life and I would love to see this next year be the opposite! Okay here is the list: emergency c-section in Nov, i broke my ankle in March (with a 4 month old to care for), I totaled our mini-van (with only liability insurance, our mistake) in May, and our home was burglarized in August. Whew! I am sure others have harder things happening and can look at my life and think wow she is blessed and I AM!!!! I promise I know it! I am so thankful! But after we were burglarized I was tired. I didn’t feel violated or unable to sleep in my house, I felt tired of the trials. I felt like I needed someone else to hold my arms up for a minute. Did I also mention we had a baby and I have been happily sleep deprived for over a year (I am including pregnancy insomnia!).

I promise I am not complaining! I am declaring a revelation! I need you to pray for our family! There is so much power in sharing our circumstances and letting people know our needs. If you have stood with me before to see breakthrough then please find yourself invited to do that again! Thank you in advance! Please let me know if you have any verses or encouragements for us! We would love to hear from you! I also understand that we are guaranteed trials and we are to rejoice in them and I have! My marriage has been marked by Stephen and I pulling together and loving each other no matter what our circumstances! He is such a man of peace! I have never feared or been in want! We look forward to what God will do in our lives and how He has marked us in this season! But still feel free to pray for us!!

Two other things… whew this is a long one! First thing, I have completed my CD from 2013 and am still planning on releasing it! I decided not to release it that year for personal reasons but am excited to release it soon! All of you that funded that CD I have not forgotten and am excited to share it with you soon. Please pray for this as well!

Last thing, Nov 19th, 2015 is David Jeremiah’s first birthday! Wow what an awesome year!! As I said he is awesome and I can’t wait to see him continue to grow. He loves reading lots of books every day (seriously could read for over an hour, well Mommy reads!), he is walking everywhere, and sometimes running, drags my kitchen towels out of the drawer and all over the house, and eats big people food, and loves loves his daddy! Cant wait for many of you to meet him! You will fall in love instantly with his awesome smile and sweet heart!

Okay so that is my update, my need, and heart on a stick!
All my love,

Michelle

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the “I’m sorry” challenge

“Let’s try not to say ‘I’m sorry’ for one day and see what happens.” This was my husband’s statement today after lunch. It hit something deep inside me that said “yes!!! i need to do that! I am sorry I say ‘I’m sorry’ so much!” Agh! There I go again. I call it the “I’m sorry disease!” Can you relate? Apparently it’s generational! I got mine from my mom but let’s not blame shift here, I say it all the time consciously and unconsciously! It stems from one of the biggest lies that I personally struggle with: “I am a burden.” This is like a mold problem in my heart and I can’t wait to attack it and watch it vacate my life! Cause most of the time I am not sorry, I just say it like air coming out of my mouth. I am thinking I will take up this challenge and see if it works…

Here are some ideas I am going to use to keep from slipping out those famous two words!
1. Someone shares a hard situation with me. Say “Wow that sounds really challenging or difficult. How are you doing?”
2. I bump into someone. Say “excuse me.” (seems like a no-brainer but sometimes “I’m sorry” overrides my common sense)
3. I don’t have the right change and am corrected. Say “Thats right let me go grab more money.”

Just to name a few. I can’t wait to try these out and FAST from saying what seems to naturally fly out of my mouth. I have the Holy Spirit and I can have self-discipline enough to change something in my speech! So here we go! I hear from my hubs that I can start over if I say it! Isn’t he a sweetie!!

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falling off the wagon…

These past two days I have attempted to refocus my heart and listen more to the Holy Spirit. This took getting myself off Facebook and trying to not eat sweets for three days. As a new nursing momma thats about all fasting looks for me right now. One theme that came out loud and clear was the responsibility I have over my own heart. In less than two weeks Stephen and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary! Woot! I love this man like crazy and am so excited to celebrate!!! But being married now I realize even more how not living in the reality of my responsibility over my heart now affects not only my life but two others as well! My husband and baby!! 

There is a temptation in my heart to find a reason for everything or an excuse. Its how I complicate problems. I get wrapped up in the “why” and how I could have done it better that I actually fail to take responsibility. Its everywhere from how I spend my “free” time (yes mom’s have that it just looks different), to what I think about, to how I act, to my mouth (ahhh my mouth), what I eat, and so on. Especially in marriage or any other relationship we often can find the fault in the other person and forget all about the log in our own eye that is smacking them as we criticize.  I’ve honestly had the most amazing first year of marriage and even made it through the first almost 3months of a new born without much conflict. But I feel it creeping into my life.

So “who’s fault is it?” Who do we throw under the bus for our emotions, our melt downs, our day flying by? My biggest problem has always been self-hatred! So its easy for me to take too much responsibility. But that still isn’t the answer! It all gets too complicated! Mostly I find I am weak and want to cope by overdramatizing the whole thing. Basic Christianity folks! At the end of the day I am responsible for my heart. No drama needed. I am living before His eyes only. I wish there was someone else to take the wrap for the way I coped with my back pain last night or the ways in which I avoid taking time to just sit before the Lord! I do a lot of sitting and surfing or reading blogs or being on Facebook while I nurse my baby but have to WORK (I mean WORK) to read the Word on my phone or sit and listen to the Lord! I can talk, share my heart, pray for a friend, or even complain to the Lord. But to sit and listen and absorb what He wants to say takes WORK!

Why? Cause its the best thing for me! Its what will change my day, my life, my kid’s life, etc! I am desperately in need of that fresh and living water that will wash my soul! I forget that its what I am searching for and when I give up all the other things I DONT miss out or even wonder where it went. I am finding that the silence these past three days (when I allowed it) was the most amazing thing I could have done. Even when I threw my back out yesterday and freaked out with some cookie dough I knew what I was doing and I heard His nearness, His whisper, and even His laugh as He knew too! I’m a “handful” as He says and thats okay. He is not overwhelmed or stressed out even for a minute about me. He is the all-Powerful one or as He said a couple weeks ago the “All-Controlling” one! (That’s a whole ‘nother story) I actually don’t have to have it all together thankfully!!

Sooo! I am taking responsibility for what is mine to be responsible for. My sin, my mouth, my poor decisions. And I repent! I get right with Jesus! I walk in the opposite direction and listen for my next steps! Its like a little kid who “knows” better! So here is a little song to keep us on the straight and narrow! Thanks for reading and walking this journey of Love with me! And seriously let’s all chill out a little bit!

“Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little ears what you hear, for the Father up above is looking down with Love so be careful little eyes what you see!”

Also this is one of my favorite YouTube videos that says it all! lol
http://youtu.be/4A6Bu96ALOw

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Introducing!!!! David Jeremiah Wick

He is here! And we are forever changed for the better!

David Jeremiah Wick

Born November 19th, 2014, weighing 6 pounds 9 ounces and measuring 19 inches. He has most of his daddy’s features but I get to claim his nose! He is a miracle and we are in awe of his perfection! We are completely in love!

 

I started having contractions around 8:00am on Tuesday, Nov 18th. We already had a set doctor’s appointment that morning and I was so happy that my body finally went into labor on its own. (pause baby is crying). Okay so we went to the doctor that morning and a few things weren’t going quite as planned for a “natural” labor so we were sent straight to the hospital to get checked in. After around 19 hours of labor there were again some factors that kept happening that proved dangerous to me and the baby so we decided it was best to go ahead and have a c-section. I have complete peace about this decision because now we know that the baby’s umbilical cord had moved below him in the birth canal and a normal birth wouldn’t have been possible. It was such a God-thing that our OB decided to go ahead with surgery and it saved us a lot of heart ache later. Now we are so incredibly blessed by this little addition to our lives! Praise God for giving us the best Christmas gift ever! If you want more details of our birth story I am happy to share just shoot me a message!

Thank you for the prayers and love! We are so blessed! 
Love, 
Stephen, Michelle, & David!! 

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What A Year!

One year ago this past week I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I actually said the words… “I love you!” This was such a life changing thing to say for me and a really big deal too honestly. To give my trust and heart to someone and believe that they would take good care of it. And wow have I been blown away by how well he did just that! Then we went to being fiancé’s, how fun to share a title for just a little while! And then February 15, 2014 I became Mrs. Wick! Now we are waiting out the last month of the pregnancy of our first little boy! I can’t wait to post some pictures of his cute little face! And yes if you don’t know the story we planned our “honeymoon” baby and we will never regret that decision! We are beyond excited! Bring it on!!

I only have one thing to say about this last year. “God is faithful to keep his promises!” I can’t explain the mystery of God and how he does what he does but I do know that in my life he came through above and beyond all that I could ask or imagine! There were definitely MANY moments in my 32 years before He came through that I wondered if I would ever be a wife or a mommy! It was often painful and disillusioning but waiting changed me, it did something on the inside that couldn’t be done any other way. Especially in a world where we can “have it your way” when you want it! I don’t consider myself an extremely patient person but waiting does something to you and I am so incredibly indebted to that time no matter how hard it was. 
This past year has also been a lesson on “letting go” and embracing the new chapter in my life, I could be happier to do just that. In fact the Holy Spirit has often sang the Frozen song “Let It Go” to my heart and I knew it wasn’t just something I heard on the radio but a instruction to my heart to trust what He was doing! Throughout my first months of marriage and pregnancy I could see one expectation after another being shot to smithereens. I could not possibly be the woman in the magazine. I never had been how did I expect to start now all of a sudden just because I got a new last name. There is so much pressure to be and do all these “things.” What I have learned the most is to enjoy myself just where I am, to take deep breaths, and if I don’t have jeans that fit after the baby comes I guess I will just have to go shopping! I am not in the mood to freak out about it now, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 
There is song welling up inside of me that talks about what has happened to me since I said yes to love and its changed everything. There are so many version of love that have transformed me: the Lord, Stephen, my amazing friends, and also how I have learned to love myself. I think sometimes that has been the most transforming love for me. Loving this woman He has made me into, but somehow it is impossible to try and measure which one changed me the most. All I know is that this has been an amazing year and I am so glad I jumped and told my boyfriend that day in the park how I really felt and put a voice to my heart. So here we go! Five more weeks and we begin the next chapter, the pages are blank and crispy white and I can not wait for all that will be written on them in the days to come!