MICHELLE WICK

May 30, 2017September 12, 2020

self love and Brene’ Brown

My counselor let me borrow her copy of “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene’ Brown last month. I had honestly not cognitively heard of her before this point. I am usually the one dragging my feet to read or listen to the latest person i am “supposed” to read or listen to. So here I am. I would like to say that she should come with a sign that says “Enter At Your Own Risk” and lots of orange cones because this is not the type of information that you can just read and skip off happily away from. This is deep.

I knew it was going to be heavy so before I could even open the book I watched a couple videos of her off YouTube. Go ahead google her, you will thank me later! I think I watched 3 or 5 of her videos and then I felt like we had become friends or I had least heard her voice enough I can now hear it as I read the book. That helps me allow her to take me into these deep waters! And I told a few friends about her her too and texted them the videos! So now I have them on my page too! I didn’t really want to do all of this alone, now I have a cheering squad.

Here are my favorite videos so far:
Her first TED talk on vulnerability: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
Her second TED talk: https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0
About her daughter: https://youtu.be/h-JBMD4ok-8

Self hatred and rejection have long been something I have battled with. Perfectionism. Running from my story. Longing for another one. Any other story. Wanting to just control one part of life so I could keep it in order so I could feel safe and secure. Or the classic, “I will be who you want me to be so I can belong.” Maybe most people wouldn’t recognize these things in me, probably because I am being someone you want me to be. I don’t know. Mostly because I haven’t shared a whole lot about my past. It becomes challenging when the people involved may read this or be exposed by the writing of it. I am not sure how other people write about those personal things but I am not ready for all of that yet.

So basically I am saying I don’t have the answers, not even one at this point. Just questions mostly.

Do you know that if you don’t love yourself you actually can not love others? Not really. The limitation put on my heart to love others stops at how I treat myself. I almost just deleted this whole thing. lol. Well everything after the first paragraph. Oh well.

“Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.” (GofI pg 27)

What makes me worthy of love and belonging? What makes me worthy? or valuable? Do I think I am worthy? There are days I hate that I still struggle with these questions. Vicious cycle for reals. Let’s settle the question. You are worthy always, no matter what. (GotI pg 24) No. Matter. What.

I am choosing to be courageous and ask these questions. I am setting aside all the other things that I could be doing or distracting myself with to take a look.

What does it look like to be affectionate with myself? How would loving myself change my marriage, my parenting? The way I trust and love others?

I want to at this point explain myself so people don’t think I am depressed lol. But oh well. Even if this is messy I am going to talk about it and do it. We don’t actually have to have it together all the time. I want my two year old and ten month old to understand that. To experience that. To know love and belonging and worthiness deep on the inside of themselves. To not apologize for who they are and their story. How do I make that happen because if I could control it I know I would!! Its this crazy thing called self-love and practicing it. Its more than a break to a coffee shop and buying myself a new tube of lipstick.

Its the daily conversation inside my head. Its fighting for myself like I know my mom would if she were here. I am worth it. I am letting go and choosing to love me. No matter what happens. Vulnerable and fearless I will be.

April 6, 2017September 12, 2020

missing make up bag

Okay so about ten years ago the Lord really challenged me to do a “makeup feast” where I wore make up and did my hair and all the works every day for an entire month! It was a success and from then on I really started taking better care of myself and also started thinking more highly of myself. I had always struggled so much with self hatred that it was a needed time of heart change!

So…as a mom it’s been hard to keep that positive outlook on myself. I have had two babies in two years and my body has changed in crazy ways not to mention it’s so challenging to keep myself showered or prettied up at all. Not all moms struggle with that but this mom does. And the hair just keeps falling out!! Yeesh! Since my second baby was born I have just kept my makeup in a bag and thrown it in the diaper bag or in my van and put it on in the parking lot before running into somewhere.

But about ten days ago my makeup bag disappeared. I have searched pretty hard for it. And so now I guess I am on a makeup “fast” lol. After ten years I am completely make up less. And honestly although I am afraid my exhausted face may scare someone I am kind of happy. I do miss it. But there is a freedom in not wearing it right now. These past almost three weeks have been very stretching for me and the last thing I need to worry about is what someone thinks about my face. So I took this picture and did not put a filter on it just to show that I don’t look horrible!

It actual proves in some ways that I have grown even more than I realized. I am beautiful in a way that I hadn’t been aware of before. Deep deep on the inside that shines out. God did an amazing miracle for me and saved my brother from death almost three weeks ago. I have such deep feelings of gratitude and love in my heart and it’s changing me. I don’t know how and I know it can’t be measured but something has happened. And I can’t go back. Our story is changed forever. Praise God!

#makeupfast2017

Oh and since this happened it’s a perfect time to buy some organic natural make up to replace my bad-for-me CG and whatever else stuff. So leave some suggestions in the comments!

March 10, 2017September 12, 2020

I’m back! I promise it doesn’t have to be Perfect!

Wow its been a while! I usually just jump in and post no matter how long it has been but it feels like this merits mentioning! My amazing husband is tending to our boys as well as cleaning up the dinner dishes and sent me to our room to “do whatever I want!” God Bless His sweet heart! I love him! Our youngest, Jonathan just turned 8 months old! Seriously feels impossible but yet my tiredness definitely feels like it is mostly possible! lol! Our oldest, David, is saying so many words right now that I have lost track and feel like I need his baby book at my side constantly to keep up with all of the developments! Yesterday he looked at me and mostly clearly said, “Momma can we go home now?” Wow, I was floored! His longest sentence to this date and it was in a very honoring question versus a fit or demand! There is hope that we are doing something right with these precious ones! I think it is a good thing for parents to stop, take a step back and congratulate ourselves! “We are doing a good job!!” Okay now carry on and clean up the mess they just made, lol!

My friend was telling me yesterday about how mommy blogs can be frustrating because when they give their ideas they say it like there is only one way to do something, like its law. I totally related to her frustration. I remember the day I realized that my pediatrician didn’t live at our house. I know it may seem obvious to you but I didn’t always want to do what she said and I was scared she was going to find out. But guess what?? I am a grown up and even though I haven’t ever raised a human previous to having kiddos I am figuring it out (with lots of help) day by day! And I am so thankful I am not alone. And I am so thankful for google but still its so challenging with you encounter advice that seems like a law. I really believe that it would be impossible for there to be only ONE way to do something or to cook or to care for children! We are all made so different! I don’t think the world would ever be what it is if there was only one way to raise babies, diaper, … you get the point.

I remember going through baby clothes and realizing that I had opinions about the clothes I put David in. I am not sure why that was such a big deal but right then I just made a stack of stuff I didn’t care for and put it in a bag and passed it on to my friend who was due soon with a little boy. Maybe she would like it because we were different people.

I think that life is just that. A process of discovering what we want and then walking it out. And realizing that it doesn’t have to be perfect! That sentence pretty much sums up the last year for me. I finally got really honest and found out that the expectation I had over myself as a wife and mom was PERFECTION. Nothing short of that would do! I was failing so much that I was getting very discouraged. I tried to explain to myself that an expectation like that was impossible but honestly I just was STUCK! Seriously. But at least I was out of denial! Here I am a complete failure because I couldn’t really get anything done ever! Alas that is the little years! So frustrating at times. But somehow through some honest processing and a few counseling sessions I have more peace. I am okay with the progress versus the perfection. God has massaged my hard heart and given me love in my heart for this Momma! There is a deeper sense in my heart right now of God’s approval than I have ever felt.

I am excited to see more lies get blown out of the water this year! What other places in my heart need uprooted?? Parenting is good for that! A great mirror for me. I pray I won’t look in the mirror and forget what I see!

October 29, 2016September 12, 2020

Introducing Jonathan Daniel Wick!!

July 8th a whirlwind of Joy came into our lives and we are permanently blessed and changed forever! Introducing Jonathan Daniel Wick! Yes its a belated intro but anyone who has had two babies in two years will explain it all to you! 🙂

Jonathan Daniel is a joy bomb! A force of happy that is definitely to be reckoned with! He loves his brother and turns to smile at the sound of his daddy’s voice and is forever searching for that momma voice! He has certainly turned our world upside down!

His name Jonathan means “gift of God” and Daniel means “God is my judge!” I like to sing a little song to him that says Jonathan Daniel, a gift of God revealing His justice. He gives lots of mercy to his brother who is in a stage of wanting to lay on his brother, placing the full weight of his awesome 30 pounds upon his brother! Our house is a bit wild now and its just the beginning from what I have heard! We are just in love with both of these boys but covet your prayers as we raise them up in the fear of the Lord! There is no other place we would rather be right now in life but I will say it has challenged me more than I expected! But then again I didn’t really know what to expect and decided to not fear what I did not know and I had not yet done!

I get to stay home with both of them while my husband works full time and although we miss daddy each day I am so incredibly grateful to get to stay home with these sweet boys! David loves to climb up in the crib each time Jonathan wakes up from his sleep. He points at the mobile which I turn on and he snuggles up right next to Jonathan and wiggles around until I get the blanket “just” right. This has become our routine. I make sure I stop and let it happen each time, well until he get rowdy and decides its time for a doggy pile lol! Jonathan, like I said, is very forgiving as mommy rescues him!

These boys are both a Gift from God! We are so blessed!
We have also added to our number in the pet arena! We have our bunny Goodness, her new friends Buck and Little Girl, both also bunnies! As well as our new kitten Earl Grey Wick! We call him Grey! He is a cutie that got his first bath last night as well as a much needed nail trim!

Okay so that is us! The Wick family is growing and we love it! We will keep you posted!

September 19, 2016September 12, 2020

missing you. losing my mom (part 5)

I have been missing her today. I honestly didn’t even know it until the day was almost over. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by everything and even started crying on the couch while I was trying to soothe our second son for the third time tonight with not much success. Then it hit me. I miss my mom. This happened around my birthday too but it was husband who figured out I was grieving not me (I love him!). It was one of those waves today that threatened to take me down and I was resisting it, which always makes the grief worse not better. So finally I realized what was up. I put together all the factors. My mom’s 61st bday is coming up in less than two weeks, which also is the first anniversary of my grandma (her mom’s) death is coming up on her birthday (yes she passed away on my mom’s 60th bday), and my cousin’s wedding is a few days after that. So all of this has been pressing on my heart causing me to run frantically from the emotions. Because let’s face it, we run. And for me if I melt down it usually sounds like it has nothing to do at all with grief and everything to do with my current circumstances. Two under two, messy house, sink FULL of bottles I have been trying to wash for days! Yes, those are trying my patience as well but nothing compared to just wanting my mom to come sit on my couch and hold my babies! So I finally gave into the wave (read more about that in part one of this grief series!). And now I feel much better and can think clearer. I still miss her but I am able to recognize that I was missing her and I can write and talk about it.

I remember when I would come home from college for breaks she would come to my bed and sit on the side of it and wait with expectancy for me tell her ALL of the stories of my adventures as a student. Seriously she wanted every detail, she was laughing and sometimes crying as I told her all the details I could remember. Her face would glow with joy as she vicariously lived her twenties over through me! This carried on into my time in Chicago in the summers and then went I traveled with a missions organization, Youth With A Mission, (YWAM) after college. She found a way to call me in every nation I went to (except maybe one)! This is before Facebook and Skype were super popular! (Back in the dark ages lol). She didn’t have a word limit for me and she never made me feel like I said too much! My mom was as much as a story teller as I was. I miss that SO much! I miss telling her all of the things! Even in my life of constant interruptions my fantasy is that we would figure out how to do that still.

I know its been ten years since I lost her but I can see her sitting on the edge of my bed so clearly and it would be hours, (literally hours) before she went back to her own bed to finally fall asleep. It was so hard for her to leave and I know I didn’t mind at all. I am so glad we had that time and all of those stories. When I started writing these blogs I had no idea that the “anniversary” time would linger on. I thought I was kind of finished for a bit. Giving myself a pat on the back for doing it right and telling our story. Now I see there was so much more that God had in store for me. Two weeks ago YWAM had a huge gathering here in KC and I got to see people from the base I worked with in Australia for the first time since I left on furlough ten and a half years ago. It was while I was on that furlough that my mom died in the car accident and I never went back to Australia. There were honestly many other reasons for that but one of the big ones was the accident. It was so good seeing their faces again and remembering those days. The significance of that gathering happening her on this anniversary struck my heart deeply. God is so good at the details isn’t He?!

All that to say this ten year thing continues and tonight I let another wave wash over me and I am better for it. I miss her laugh and I want her here so I can tell her all the stories of David and Jonathan! I know she wouldn’t want to miss a single detail! So mom here’s to you! Missing you tonight!

Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”

Part 1: Losing my mom

Part 2: A mom without a mom

Part 3: Life as we knew it

Part 4: Letter to my mom

September 16, 2016September 12, 2020

ode to postpartum

I am in my third month of my “fourth trimester!” I like to think of post baby time as this because it makes me and my body and my life make more sense. I like to actually say I am pregnant for a year, partly because it actually feels like that when you are pregnant and to think its going to be longer helps a lot in the process of the pregnancy. For some reason once you have the baby some crazy thoughts start to form in your head as if you are going to go back to normal “right away” like now, right now! Then you are left wondering “what the heck” is wrong with you and then your friend says “Hey you just had a baby!!!” Oh right! Well there’s that.

I have been pregnant or nursing a baby since February 15th, 2014 or around there. Yep that is my wedding date. My husband and I truly wanted to start our family right away and so we decided to try right from the start! “Honeymoon baby” has a different meaning for us since we planned him. And then we are the weirdos that were actually sad we weren’t pregnant again by the time our first son had hit about 9 months old. And then boom, we were pregnant the next month! Okay so I know we planned and wanted these babies to come and I know its all my fault BUT it doesn’t mean I can’t blog about it! lol! So bare with me.

Oh postpartum, you and your yoga pants and mesh underwear! And seriously what the heck has happened to my body. And not to mention “two under two!” And then there are all the things people say that are trained to say those things (i.e. sleep when the baby sleeps) hahahaha. Just prop me up next to the crib with a latte under my arm.

I am not expecting half of this blog to make any sense but I am excited that I have two hands right now that are only typing. After my first son was born my husband tried to convince me to leave the house in the evening at least once a week. I just was not very good at it. Thats all I have to say about that. So now I am A LOT better at it. Well now I leave every other week and that is a good speed for me. I really like my family but people they need a mommy that doesn’t act like a crazy person! Seriously, toddlers get a bad wrap. They have BIG emotions and get upset about simple things very intensely. I think I could relate to a toddler right now or resemble one minus that throwing myself on the floor. Post partum moms have BIG emotions and get upset about the simplest things. I get upset because I am upset. I wish I could make that make sense, but it just doesn’t and I am okay with that. Are you currently trying to imagine me throwing my own postpartum toddler fit? Go for it!

So I finally have stretch marks, real ones. Didn’t happen with my first baby, its so interesting how you can grow an entire human in your body for months, then raise it for over a year, and then still NOT know everything there is to know about doing all that. But I tell you it is entirely possible. And you would think that I would remember how to care for a newborn? I guess I mostly remembered and it had only been 20 months since I had done it last but for reals they are so tiny and different than an almost toddler. I literally cut a onesie off of my son a month ago because it was too small and I was tired of feeling like I was ripping his little arms off when I was taking it off of him. So I cut it off. With scissors. It was incredibly freeing! I am sure there was poop on it or something or maybe not.

Then there is the sleep deprivation…are you still reading? lol. Its okay cause I am still writing. With my first son we had a few nursing issues and ended up supplementing with formula. So with our second son when we started having similar issues we just started back up with our old routine. In our sleep deprived state we didn’t adjust it at all. The big problem with this was this baby ended up being a puker. And then he would be up the entire night. And so there I was feeding him and staying up all night with him like we were in college and not sleeping just because we could. For some weird reason I was able to do that for like five weeks, maybe six. My husband would help me get sleep when he got home from work and I would nap if it was even possible. And then I lost it. Like felt like I was going to go crazy! I had one very dark night in my mothering life and the next day I googled all the buzz words….fussy, colic, feeding, baby. Anything that I thought might bring about an answer and bring a completion to our frat parties in the night! Without starting medication or declaring a milk allergy I went with “overfeeding!” Oh my lord!!!!!! I had been overfeeding my baby for over six weeks!!! Poor baby! I had no idea that I had a good supply of momma milk. I had never had that problem (blessing) and so it had not occurred to me. Before you go and judge just remember how tired we were! SO SO tired!!! So I pulled back all of the bottles and just nursed him until I knew I had nothing and then I would offer a bottle! Holy cow, how simple is that! Praise God we avoided any of the medical interventions that could have possibly come as an answer for a puking baby! Again my friend reminded me why they use sleep deprivation as a torture tool in war. That made me think for a moment. But hey baby number 2 and I are bonded! Bonded like college roommates!

So now we are sleeping mostly with the normal short visit or two in the night. And we are getting in a rhythm of sorts. And I am learning to juggle better than I knew I could. And I still have my toddler moments but I made it! I made it over two whole months as a mom of two. I am two-ish weeks from the “end” of my fourth trimester! Life is now settling into a new normal and I can think a few thoughts in a row and actually remember them the next day. Well some days.

PS. Thank you all so much for your notes of encouragement after I shared about my c-sections. The surgery and recovery itself went flawlessly. I am still swollen in some spots and I definitely did not enjoy the spinal they gave to numb my bottom half this time, but I survived and I have two of the cutest kids on the block!!! I know that my story is my story and I am thankful that we have made the choices we have! Thanks again!

July 7, 2016September 12, 2020

see you tomorrow baby

A lot of you have probably been following our pregnancy progress with number two! Well, tomorrow is the big day! We can not wait to meet and snuggle our #lilmanwick2!! Some may not know but David’s birth did not go as we had hoped or planned, in fact it was all the opposite! But if it hadn’t been for our awesome doctor and nurses there is a chance that neither of us would be here now. Maybe some day I will write my entire birth story from that day but for now I’ll say that after almost 20 hours of labor, medical intervention, water breaking, and all that we ended up with an emergency c-section that revealed a pro-lapsed cord, which could have been a very bad situation. There are so many details that I am leaving out right now but God’s hand was on us during this entire situation and we were so incredibly thankful!

This past year I have had the decision on my heart if I was going to try for a natural birth again or a scheduled c-section. There is a massive stigma placed on the surgery and it makes the decision process even more difficult. In my situation I didn’t just have a c-section because of our birth situation, it ends up that my actual pelvis has some challenges as well which is why we needed the surgery in the first place. So knowing all of these details I went to the Lord! And as I prayed I knew what I wanted to do but I didn’t really want to tell anyone lol! Its incredibly personal in the first place and I am kind of a private person. But again its not a popular option, although some would say its my decision there is still that stigma. I have even had people apologize to me that I am having a c-section. I just smile and say that we are excited and we can’t wait to meet our new son! We have also been praying for God to heal my pelvis and to change these circumstances miraculously! But in the meantime I felt strongly to schedule my section with this second baby and celebrate his coming!

So here we are… that decision was made months and months ago and tomorrow we meet him! Parts of this pregnancy have been slow (mostly the parts where I was sick with colds and sinus infections and all that!) and a majority of it has been incredibly fast (possibly because I have a 19 month old and he keeps my life speeding by)! I am so thankful for my first born, gosh he is a blessing to my heart in so many ways! He made me a momma! He gave me a dream that had been in my heart since I was a little girl! And he is so sweet and gives the best hugs. He is starting to talk and is so smart! He reminds me of his daddy everyday and gives us so many reasons to laugh and fills our house with crazy boy adventures all day long! Now there will be two of them! Whew I can barely handle the excitement in my heart! Even with the knowledge that I won’t be sleeping much for the next year or more! I don’t really care at this point! I am ecstatic!

We have incredible friends who will be caring for our first born and if you wanna pray you can pray for that to go smoothly! We haven’t spent a night away from him yet and we are expecting it to be challenging at times but I am hopeful that it will be quick and painless! Soon we will be home with our bundle and David will be helping mommy and daddy and he will be the best big brother ever! I know I am biased and I am unashamedly biased!! 🙂

So here goes nothing! Tomorrow morning at 7:30am we will be admitted and at 9:30am the surgery will begin! Then we will welcome our second boy into this world and our hearts will be so full we may just burst! Thank you for praying for us and cheering us on! It means so much for our friends and family to be apart! Love to you all!

July 7, 2016September 12, 2020

see you tomorrow baby

June 11, 2016September 12, 2020

A letter to my Mom after 10 years. Losing my mom (part 4)

Wedding Day, 2-14-97

On this day, June 11th, 2006, we lost a beautiful woman! She was a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandma, and an extravagant lover of Jesus! I have been blogging for a couple months now leading up to this anniversary and now here we are! Ten years!

Mom, Brian, and me! 1980

Dear Mom,

I miss you! We miss you! Days go by now where I don’t feel it as intensely but I know in my heart I never forget. I remember when I cook or when I go to make a call! I remember when I look at my son and anticipate the next one in four weeks. Have you seen David’s blue eyes? Can you believe how cute and smart he is? I bet you can! I wish you were here to squeeze him and tell him stories and take him on adventures! He is such a gift and has such an incredible view of the world! Reminds me of you sometimes. You had this way of looking at things! Always trying to put yourself in other people’s shoes! Remember that sign on the wall? That Indian Proverb that said “You don’t know a man until you have lived a day in his moccasins.” You lived that more than anyone else I have ever met! Always believing the best about others! Stephen is a lot like that too though. You would love him and I know you probably already do! He is incredibly kind and servant-hearted, which an incredible joy about so many things! You both get very serious about things of justice and take them very personally. Its so fun to see similarities in you both and yet you have never met! We can’t wait to meet our new baby boy, he will probably come out smiling, I wish you could snuggle him and pray over him and sing over him. But, we will make sure he gets a much love as we can give regardless!

High school graduation 1998!

We made chocolate chip pancakes this morning! David “helped” me make them and they reminded me of you and I tried to make them in mass so I would have a ton in the freezer for snacks later but somehow I think I only have like 8 left over! Made me realize how many pancakes you would flip in one morning so we could have so many extras! And you would have the waffle iron going at the same time! Super woman! Wish I could remember exactly how you made your home-made spaghetti sauce, I am sure its a not a big deal but not sure if I could ever get it “just” right! Or remember the potato cakes you would make from left over mashed potatoes! And I remember when we were younger in the house by the rail road tracks you would make pan-fried chicken and gravy with mashed potatoes and corn! Oh wow was that yummy! Brian and I would make sandwiches with the bread from the leftovers! We would stuff ourselves so full on fried chicken day! I feel like I am finally finding my cooking grove over here but would have loved to have had you on speed dial when I was trying to figure it all out!

Mom with her daycare kids at the fire station!

Ten years?! I can barely believe it’s been ten years. Jason said “Its so long they even have a special name for it, a decade!” That made it even more real. Wow. And Mandy said that the “void of silence” from you after ten years, who could ever fill that silence for you? And what an example of spirit you were! I totally agree, what kind of woman would I be even if I hadn’t had you as my momma?! I am a blessed woman! I know that void has been felt by more than just me. It has been a void of your presence, your love, your laugh, your hugs, your voice, your prayers, and so many other things. What an incredible void its been! I just wanted you to know that I stopped today! I stopped and I missed you and I ate your pancakes and I thought of all the things I wanted to tell you that this letter doesn’t even begin to touch on. Ten years is a lot to catch up on! Mom, I came to the house of prayer just like you hoped, I sang and sang and sang, I got my loans paid off, I got my teeth fixed, and I made a CD! (Which I still need to release).

Mom & me in 1981!

Mom, I got married! I married this amazing man who doesn’t expect me to be perfect and loves me everyday regardless of how clean the house is! And I have this incredible little person named David that fills my day and keeps growing so fast and you would just be in love with him! He is just incredible!! And now I am about to have another baby and you still aren’t here and I understand that in reality but in my heart I still wish you were! I still just “want my mom!” I know its not possible but its just what comes natural when I think of what my perfect “birth story” would be. Having these babies without you is just not the same but we find our way anyways!

Thanksgiving 2003! The first time our whole family (Lillich clan) were all together with mom! She was so excited!

Thank you!! Thank you for being the mom who poured herself out day after day without a regard to who saw and how acknowledged you were! You worked really hard and I know that now! Thank you for dealing with all of my emotions and loving me regardless! Thank you for cheering me on and embarrassing me in the grocery store line so you could tell someone how awesome of a singer I was. Even though it drove me crazy at the time. Thank you for always being you even when people didn’t understand or didn’t treat you nicely! You set the bar high in being yourself and not bending even when it wasn’t popular. Thank you for loving me, listening to my stories, calling me in all those countries, and praying for me even when you needed prayer! Thank you for always pursuing Jesus and journaling all of your struggles and prayers and tears and loving Him even when you didn’t know the end of the story!
Connie Sue you have left a mark on me and so many others! Because of you I will never be the same! I love you so much! I miss you today and every day and I CAN’T wait to see you again! My heart is filled with joy just thinking about it!
See you in my dreams!
Love you,
Your baby girl!

Mom and me 1980

Mom and me 2006

Mom and her six brothers and sisters and her mom Doris in 2005 for Grandma’s 85th bday!

Other blogs in the series “Losing my mom:”

Part 1: Losing my mom

Part 2: A mom without a mom

Part 3: Life as we knew it

Part 4: Letter to my mom

June 2, 2016September 12, 2020

Life as we knew it. Losing my mom (part 3)

Formal picture taken on the cruise April 2006

Death is so permanent. There is nothing quite like it, especially what it does to your life afterwards. My mom was the center of a universe of family and prayers and provision and love. Without her life as we knew it would never ever be the same. I woke up the second day after she died in her house which was technically full of people but it was empty and without her in so many ways we were lost at least for a while. It was her house, her decorations, her worship cds, her kitchen packed with food for the masses, and her Bible all marked up with highlighters. The house was void of her laugh, that incredible laugh she had, I hear it sometimes! It comes out of my own mouth and even my husband has grown to recognize the Connie laugh even though technically he has never met my mom. She is hard to miss! I especially hear her when I am talking to my little boy! This familiarity used to grate me as a teenager, “I am not like my mom!” We fight those similarities until you lose the person you have them with; after that you cling to them!

Last picture taken of my mom and me!

Life as I knew it was full of my mom’s friendship and her prayers! I had been overseas for over two years and my mom had become my closest friend. She would call, listen, pray, and cry with me about everything that had been going on in Australia and the countries I traveled to. And when I got home she gave me my step-dad’s cell phone so I could call her whenever I wanted although I think during that three months before the accident! What a gift! We talked and talked and talked when we weren’t together which was such a gift because I never had a cell phone during college or my time overseas so our calls were always limited to my location and a phone card! But as always my mom was the center of that as well, she pursued me and helped me be able to talk to others back home too. Come to think of it mom was the center all growing up too. She was always there, you could always count on her to bring you forgotten homework even if she had to load up all of the daycare kids to bring it to school for you. Some parents wouldn’t have done that but mom did. She always cooked, baked, sang, went to church, brought you to church unless you were puking! She was always herself! If that was happy or sad or frustrated or worn out! She was so consistently Connie! I am sure she struggled with embracing herself on the inside but from our view she was Connie and that was that!

Easter 2006 with the most but not all of the Lillich family!

Grandma and her grand-daughter Haley

And on June 11th, 2006 all of that changed forever, well at least for us, it was permanent. There was nothing we could do and it tore me apart from the inside out. How could you have a whirlwind of love and depth around you like that and then in a moment completely gone? How do you grasp the intensity of that? She was love, she was comfort, she was servant hearted, she was a fighter, she was my prayer covering, she was wisdom, she was patient, and she was a companion! These past ten years have been a force of grief to be reckoned with! Of course in the beginning it was daily and now its more so holidays, important days, and when I let myself think of what an amazing grandma she would be. One thing that has not changed is the fifth that she gave to me as a little girl who would get scared in the middle of the night. My mom was a heavy heavy sleeper so this was not the best time to try and get her attention. But she was faithful to teach me how to pray, specifically how to talk to Jesus and tell him how I was feeling. That is the part of “life as I know it” that has never changed! She gave me a legacy to pass to my babies and for them to pass to there’s! She might have taught me out of desperation (of a tired mommy) for me to go to sleep but I know deep down it was how she was living out her faith and she passed on to me the keys to life!

I still haven’t gotten those pictures out of the suit case yet. I meant to do it before my next baby comes. Now I have less than 6 weeks lol! Its funny how ten years could pass and I am still procrastinating grief! I think it makes me normal. I remember singing a duet with my mom once. We sang “As the Deer” at a woman’s meeting (I think). It blessed her so much that I would sing “with” her! I sang “Call on Jesus” by Nicole C. Mullen at her funeral. I wasn’t going to sing at first and I had even told my family no about it. But I was getting ready a couple mornings before the service and heard that song and felt God telling me that I needed to sing it. I am not sure if anyone remembers the day of the funeral but I know that I have never sang like that before or since. It was so powerful and so meaningful and afterwards I invited people to give their lives to Jesus. I knew I had to! That is why she lived! She lived for Him! And now she is continuing to live for Him! Its the only thing that continues! The only part that is permanent in a different way than death. And it wasn’t in vain because I know some of the people who surrendered that day and their lives have never been the same! I blame mom! She prayed and prayed and prayed and of course its at her funeral that gave their lives! Such a beautiful picture of a seed falling to the ground. That would have meant more to her than anything I could have said or done at her funeral! And I know she was so proud of her “baby girl” singing on a stage on a day like that day! Especially when she knew that singing was going to be the hardest thing that I could decide to do that day or any day after! She was cheering for us then and she is cheering for us now! And through it all she is singing of how good God is! No matter what! And I agree!