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i took a break

I took a break. Why? God told me too. Seems like a good reason right? Why did He do that? Well I am not completely sure. But I can see the fruit of it. I will admit, its been some of the hardest years of my life. But I would never take them back. I had just started to blog about maturity. And then boom He had me walk out all of the things I was blogging about and it was not easy!

One of the things I wrestled with a lot during this break was the word “calling.” One day my husband and I were talking about it and I got so angry and then I broke down crying. I trained for this calling, I went to bible college, I trained in missions and went overseas to walk it out. I was all in. It was my calling, my assignment. I was called to “the ministry” as they say. I have committed a lot of my time, effort, and energy into this calling. I am not trying to be mean to anyone who talks like this. In fact most people use this language and do not think anything about it. It started even in high school for me, I went forward at a missions conference. I knew God spoke to my heart to do missions, to minister to people.

To even try to put words to what has been mulling around in my heart feels pretty complicated. I used to just sit down and type for 15 minutes or so and a message or blog would just spill out. But now it feels more challenging to choose my words. That is probably a good thing though. Some deep things have healed in my heart and some other deep things have been unearthed as well.

A lot of people would call motherhood my calling now. My ministry, my disciples. I totally agree and totally disagree all at the same time. If I focus all of my energy and training just on these three precious little people I think there will be trouble. It was scary to pause sharing and singing and all that to focus on them in some ways. But I really do think that is because SO MUCH focus and pressure is put on “calling.” Depression and purposeless can come when you aren’t “doing” something for the Lord. What about those people that were in ministry full time and then had to go get a full time job to support their families. Are they out of the “will of God” making that change and no longer serving a ministry or church in that capacity. I am honestly not trying to start any fights. It’s just kind of my way of spilling out what has been churning in my heart for a couple years.

In all honesty I was actually in some ways very happy with my break. Don’t get me wrong I really love singing, leading worship, well… just singing to Jesus in general! That is my favorite! Prophe-singing over people. I just love it. So yes I miss it! But… I was pretty content in just being a momma, a wifey and taking care of my dad who has been on hospice. I was so happy to be out of under that heavy burden of trying to fulfill the assignment for God, be inside His will, or making sure I was walking out my calling. (deep sigh, wow that felt good!). I think that is all of the language of ministry that I have been detoxing from. So then, what is left. Doing none of it?? That is the teenage version of Michelle saying “Yahoo, that means I don’t have to do it anymore!!!”

Nope… after almost two years I heard that familiar whisper. See, this whisper has been my best friend since I was three years old. That’s a long time to be hearing this sweet friend. But, I have ignored Him before. I am VERY slow to obey these days. I am hesitant to get back into that mentality. Striving to please even God!

Now I don’t say that to to nullify any ministry I have done up to this point! I truly believe I have a sincere heart and desire to walk out anything that God has put in my heart. Up until now I just didn’t know how much pressure the body of Christ puts on those in ministry. So much pressure to perform, to do ministry. There can be manipulation and it can seem like you are doing something for the right reasons but in reality… blah blah blah… it seems complicated.

All I know is I am tempted to not even start again. I have been avoiding it even after He whispered. Dragging my feet basically lol. You see, its hard to put your blinders on and just do what He tells you to. Especially when there are so many pretty shiny people on the inter webs doing their thing. And when you are wrestling with why the words calling, ministry, assignment, etc… its hard to want to jump back out. Okay so I will stop rambling about this and do a video. When I do it I will link it here…

My love for God has always been constant. No matter what I “do” or “don’t do” for Him. I think that is the point of this lesson in my life! His love for me is constant too. I am so thankful for this deep work in my life! And this burden that has lifted in some ways! Now on to the next challenge. Walking it out.

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be yourself (series on maturity part 3)

I am an artist. But the funniest thing about that statement is that I never knew it until the past year or so. I have sang since I can remember but that word never crossed my mind. I was classically trained in voice and piano and flute for that matter and it honestly didn’t seem like a very artistic thing. It was more about perfecting what I was taught to match and create beautiful music in the process. I have always loved it. But here is a funny story about me.

My grandma (my dad’s mom) would pick me up after she got off work and take me home for the weekend. When I was younger she would take both my brother and I but once we got a little older we got to go by ourselves for the whole weekend. I would dig around in her car as we drove and find her snow sweeper thingy. I would pretend to play it and make up songs. It is such a sweet memory for me because she has now gone to be with Jesus. But also because I didn’t start playing the guitar until I was 25. I was the singer. That was the thing I knew how to do. The thing I could do well. I stuck to that. There were enough people who wanted to play the guitar while I sang the songs. I also knew all the words to all the songs! So we were a great team. I did not need to play the guitar. Nope. No need. So those songs from little Michelle got all locked up. My words were captured in a space of time that I could not access. But my Grandma knew.  You should have seen her face when she first got to see me play and sing at the same time. She knew the little Michelle and her desire to sing her songs.

But until I was 25 it was just SO safe to sing other people’s songs. But there is another problem with that situation. God gave me a beautiful voice. It is mine to steward but it was His first. I didn’t have to take voice lessons and try really hard. I just opened my mouth. It is a gift He gave to me. So I bear that weight on my shoulders. What am I going to do with it? The summer I turned 25 I was on a outreach as a staff member with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) staffing a School of Worship (SOW). One night we need to split our team into two groups and lead worship at two different churches. I was given the task of leading one of the teams. So I sat down with our song binder and waited on the Lord. “God, what do you want me to sing tonight!” I immediately had a picture of me leading worship with a guitar in front of a lot of people. I was instantly convicted. “Okay God. I will learn to play the guitar.”  The funniest part of this for me was that for years people had been asking me. “Michelle, when are you going to play an instrument while you lead worship?” I hadn’t needed to because there was always a willing person to play. And it wasn’t really that popular as it is now for the leader to have to play while they sang. But I would always say “when God tells me to learn to play I will.” Ha! Don’t worry I am not one of those miraculous people who strapped on a guitar that night on outreach and could play the guitar by divine intervention. I would have loved to have been given that gift. But no. I had to learn. Slow and steady. I would not even consider myself a good guitar player. But I get the job done almost 13 years later.

The biggest issue or maybe blessing with learning the guitar is that it gave me an avenue for my own words that had been locked up for 25 years to come spilling out. It gave me a VOICE. I started to sing my own words or add my own melodies to Scripture (one of my favorite things to do). I remember my first song was from Psalm 86.

11 Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.

It was a beautiful day and I took the three chords I was taught on that outreach after I had that vision of me playing. I slowly played, struggling to transition while I sang and I sang through the Scripture and made up my own little song.

The next day we had a meeting at our YWAM base and I felt God nudge me “go up on the stage and play your song.” “WHATTTTTTT???? No way. I just learned how to play these three chords. That is not even a real song. Please God no.”  “Go.” So I went. And I still remember that song to this day. I will post it on my Youtube sometime soon I promise. Then you can hear it too. Those melodies were mine. No one else wrote them. And I still didn’t see myself as an artist. But God had another thought about that. He had been waiting to hear my voice. I had been singing for years and I know it touched his heart but there is something about when we sing our song to His heart. Even if we do not consider ourselves a good singer at all. He longs to hear our voice. It’s kind of like fingerprints. There is no other voice just like yours. None. So if you don’t sing your song. No one will. It will just not ever happen. God longs for it. He beckons it to happen. I will never regret the years I spent singing His word to him in the house of prayer and part of me longs for it again. (but I also love my babies!!) But good news. You do not need a prayer room, a worship team, or even a guitar to sing to God. Just you, Him, His word, and time. Thats it. Easier said than done. Honestly its nice to just read what I am writing and be reminded myself.

Another interesting part about being an “artist” is that it is VUNERABLE. It takes guts. To do something different, new, created by you. You are unique and special, created for a specific purpose. No one can take your place. And when you do that thing it is vulnerable. People have so many opinions. Really, we have opinions about ourselves. We don’t even really need anyone else to stop us. We will stop ourselves. “No that’s dumb, I don’t need to do it, she is already doing it.” And so on and so on. But what about you? Who will sing your song? Who will release your voice, your thoughts? It is hard. I won’t pretend like it isn’t.

I remember the first time I sang on a team at the house of prayer. They threw me into “the deep end” on a set with the whole staff there. It was only about 100 people but it was still intimidating as the new person. They take a scripture and sing about it. Like a singing bible study or devotional. Instead of saying the thoughts you have about a passage or paraphrasing it for more understanding. You will sing your thoughts or interpretation in short phrases while other singers join in. There are a lot of mechanics to it too. The hardest part for me honestly was the singing. I know shocking right. Me. The singer. That was thing I was supposed to be able to do. BUT NO!!!! I opened my mouth and it was all wonky, missing notes, squawking a bit. It was crazy. I was so embarrassed. I felt set up. This was so new to me and hard. It was like learning to play the guitar all over again. Ahhh! It did not make me excited to do it again. All my years in choir, band, and singing worship songs I knew. That was safe. My happy place.

Thankfully I pushed through the initial struggle with it. It helps that each time I sang with the house of prayer it was for two hours. Gives you a lot of time to practice. And I realized that I was the only one that cared about how bad I sounded. No one was paying attention to my drama! So I grew up a bit in that too. I started growing in confidence in singing the word with other people and I grew to love it. I found out who I was in it. I found my voice. And I wrote some songs. The songs on my new CD were actually written before I even embarked on my house of prayer journey. They were two chord/three chord songs as I processed the grief of losing my mom. In fact before I showed up to the recording studio the first day of planning for my CD I was freaking out. The voices in my head said “these are not real songs, you don’t even know how to play the guitar.” But when I got there and shared them I knew they were real and they were mine. And guess what? There are more!

So there is power in being you. There is maturity in realizing that  no one else can do it for you. And that God has you here, right now for a reason. A reason that no one else can fulfill. Ask Him what it is. Don’t be surprised if He answers.

My biggest awkwardness now is figuring out how to sing the word with my boys. But you know what. After writing this tonight I think its time to figure it out. I have done it. I have tried to pull out the guitar. IF you have been around 1 or 3 year olds you know exactly what happens. They wanna play it. So let it be. But I am gonna sing. The end.

Stop looking and seeing people singing, speaking, doing the thing that He asked you to do and saying “well I guess I don’t need to do it then.” That is not a reason to STOP. Its hard. I will be honest. Seeing other people doing what you feel to do. It can feel discouraging and you want to compare yourself. You don’t to stick your neck out there and be vulnerable. Ask God if you can not do what He asked you do because you can see that its already covered. I am not sure He will care for your excuses. I am not sure they will matter much to Him. He wants your voice, your songs, your thoughts, your service. What is burning on your heart. Make it known. Keep your eyes on the Lord. What else matters really. At the end of the day. Nothing else. His love is the fuel for your obedience. Then you get the peace. “Look Lord I did it. I did it all for you. I poured it all out. Even when I was scared. I did something I never knew I could do and I did it for you!” And that is what growing up is like. It’s hard. It feels awkward. But its builds history, it writes stories. God sees it all and knows it all. Nothing is wasted. Even if NO ONE understands. He knows. He sees. So do not lose heart.

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what people think (series on maturity part 2)

I remember one day when my husband “fired” me from wondering what other people were thinking. I was like “but I need to think about these things so that I don’t fail, so I can be in control, so I won’t make them upset, and so that I won’t be rejected.” Okay so I didn’t have that much clarity when he “fired” me but NOW I know some reasons why I wanted to think about what they thought.
The fear of man and fear of rejection ruled so much of my life growing up. I wasn’t necessarily the most popular or confident girl on the block. I struggled so much with body image and fitting in. It was easier to just step back and look in on other people’s lives hoping to be included at some point.
I am not sure when I started worrying about what other people were thinking. Goes something like this. My thoughts, “if i do this, they will think this.” “Hey babe, if I do this then this person is going to think this…” “Okay, how do you know?” “I don’t know I just think that is what they will think.” Are you laughing yet or can you relate?? Or is that why you are laughing. Well, he thought this whole train of thought was pretty exhausting. And he was very patient and told me that I was “Fired” from thinking about what people are thinking. Fwew! I feel so much better now. Seriously, I set my mind to not thinking about it. Like a blank slate. It doesn’t mean I don’t care but I don’t need that anxiety in my life!
I took his advice and man growing up is hard to do. But someone has to do it!  Honestly it is easy to slip back into that way of life. But I have to say no to myself and “let it go!” (sing Frozen song here). I get to live my life asking God what he thinks. In a society where other people’s thoughts are readily available in print (aka the inter webs) its hard to avoid them. But I really want my motive to be from a place of freedom and seeking peace. I feel like these past three years my biggest battle has been anxiety (a fancy word for fear). The “what if’s” have crept in and plagued my sub-conscious.  I have a serious desire to defend or “Explain” myself or apologize for too much. So I stop. Like sit on my hands stop. I tell myself NO. Kind of like a fight with a donut when you are trying to lose weight. No Michelle, you have to walk away. You don’t have to explain yourself.
I love what my counselor’s friend once told her. She asked God one day about something she was worrying about. “God, are you worried about this?” Crickets. Nope He wasn’t moved or stressed out at all. Cool as a cucumber. Great. Now what? Sometimes I like anxiety. I like to worry about something or act like it is the end of the world. Now that I don’t get to, now what do I do? I would like to official throw a fit that I no longer get to fill in all the blanks for every relationship or thing that I am worrying about! I get to be at peace over here not knowing OR I get to ask more questions in order to find the real information. This is probably the root of so much of it. Growing up looks like asking questions. It looks like being fearless and not worrying about what someone else will say or do. 
It looks like God being our place of peace and the Holy Spirit leading our actions.
One of the biggest things that has changed in the past four years in my life is getting married and becoming a mom. I remember within days of getting engaged the advice began. I do not function well in a SEA of opinions. Its like my least favorite thing. I am growing in it but I really have struggled with it. Then within a month of being married we found out we were pregnant (honeymoon baby on purpose!!!;) and then began a new level of advice and opinions I was NOT prepared for. So many opinions.  And so many options. A girl like me can just wanna run and hide in the midst of this! And because the decisions were so new to me and so foreign (new mom!) I became more insecure than I had in years. Thus began the exposing of the quiet anxiety I had dealt with for years. The sleep deprivation, (especially having two babies in 20 months) oh the sleep deprivation made it impossible to hide any longer.
I was vulnerable and I honestly didn’t know it for about a year. Then it hit me. Wait…. I am 35 (at the time) years old. I have done many things and know a lot. Yes this is new to me. But I am not new to me. God, Help!!! So I reached out and started going to counseling.  And finally I felt like I could breath again. I am not a new human just starting out in the world. And the other part hit me like a ton of bricks (did I already say that phrase, sorry). I don’t have to know. I don’t have to do it perfect. This thing called life can be fixed even if I mess it up. These boys God gave me are His as well and my husbands and I am not alone in this. All of these opinions and advice and decisions don’t have to be answered right now or ever.
Wow the whole perfectionism and control and all that is another blog for another day. Okay take a deep breath (me not you, unless you need to).
Anyways. People are always thinking. But you do not have to fear or think about at all. You too can be free! Or get fired or whatever helps you to know you do not have to do it anymore. The end.
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are you behaving? (a series on maturity)

What would happen if someone “bugged” your house? Like microphones and all that. They were listening but you didn’t know it. What would they hear you say? Would you be embarrassed? Would you be proud of yourself? Are you behaving?

I have thought of this several times this past year and knew that I personally would be embarrassed of what would be recorded and heard. In this past year I have felt very exhausted for multiple reasons and my mouth (often spoken of as my greatest blessing and my greatest curse) runs rampant when I am “tired!!” I made a conscious goal in my heart that I wanted to treat those in my house better than those that I see outside my house. I wanted to behave better at home than in public. If being home is permission to behave badly then I have a very skewed view of love, commitment, and family.  But, for reals, there is this unspoken clause in my subconscious that says its okay to “let loose” at home with those who love me most. That is where I am safe, where I am most forgiven, and so when my guard is down I love big!! And then I also misbehave. big.  I take my stress out on my husband and often my kiddos. Its not like I do it completely on purpose but it has caused me to re-evaluate why I do what I do.

I am not talking about being perfect. I promise I do not expect that from myself anymore. Because honestly that is IMPOSSIBLE. I have spent the better part of the past year trying to understand that fact. And it has helped so much. But I wanted to take it to another level. I wanted to see if I was the only one. Something has told us that we get to “be ourselves,” “let go,” and “get it off our shoulders” in these intimate relationships inside our home. We get to respond more harshly or vulnerably because they are our “family.” But I would venture to say that is a sign of immaturity and selfishness. I get to say “no” to myself and find more constructive ways to process my thoughts and feelings. But in the moment it is so hard.

Sing this to yourself. “Growing up is hard to do!” Because it is. Choosing to love those that live in your home and consider them above yourself is hard but you will reap the rewards. If you have given all that kind of love to everyone else outside your home and you have nothing left to give your family that is another issue altogether. We need to have boundaries with our energy. Your family doesn’t deserve to punished for your exhaustion and lack of saying no. I know I am preaching to the choir here of course. But I am taking a minute this year to do some soul searching and cancel my pity party. How can I love my three men more this year. I know I won’t always ACE that test but I know for a fact I can do MUCH better. I can behave better than I have and say no to the mentality that home is where I get to act however the wind blows that day.

Philippians  2:3-4 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

I feel like we excel at doing this when people are watching or listening.  But in reality someone is always watching and listening. He is the teacher, leader, and helper in these times where we are tempted to “let loose!” He inviting us to ask for help and then we can excel in doing this in our homes, minivans, and when things are working out the way we thought. We get to behave and then we have peace in these relationships where God does His best work!

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Untold Stories released!! Story behind the song “Believe!”

My very first CD, “Untold Stories” was released on November 15th, 2017! The response was so encouraging to my heart! I am so excited to get this music into your hands and ears to strengthen your walk and lift up your heart!

The first song, “Believe” came out of the season of grief after I lost my mom to a sudden car accident in 2006. She was such a huge part of my faith, life, and basically my best friend when I lost her. I was 25, single, and had just returned to America after two year working in missions overseas. She was my grounding in the world and in an instant she was gone. I felt so challenged to sing after I lost her. I sensed that God promised healing if I would do one of the most painful things I could think of. Sing. Seems so simple but that act of obedience was the most challenging one in my life to that date. So I would pick up my guitar and play the few chords I knew and I would sing. Sometimes I would sing a scripture that I felt in my heart and other times I would just let words come out of my heart. This song was one of those. After tragedy we often find ourselves questioning our faith, pushing against the God that we once simply trusted. I was honestly surprised that I found my grief drawing me closer to God not further away.

When I was a little girl my mom taught me to talk to God. I would get up in the night scared in my room and my mom told me to tell Jesus when I was scared. This began an innocent friendship with Him that continues to this day. God I am scared, God I am sad, God I need help. My prayers poured out year after year. Our conversations have always been my strength in hard times and biggest JOY in the good ones. I think in that moment my mom gave me the greatest gift she could have given me in life. Friendship with God. And that is exactly what helped me through the hardest time in my life. Losing my mom. So in this song I pour out all that I have. My belief. My faith. My hope. God it is yours. You can have it all. All of my heart. All of me. No matter what happens. I will continue to be your friend. I will continue to believe you. Even in my darkest time. The things that I thought would shake me the most. I still believe You!! That is what tumbled out of my heart one day. And as I sang that song my resolved strengthened.

I hope and pray that you feel encouraged in your resolve despite hardship and that you also find a friend in God. He has been my closest confidant in the midst of the biggest storms of my life.  And it all began with my mom stepping out in faith to teach my little heart. And that made a BIG difference!

Want to listen for yourself? Here are a couple links to help you!

iTunes        Amazon

Buy a physical copy? michellewick.com/product

Interested in reading more about my grief process? Here are the blogs I wrote in 2016 about it. The 10 year anniversary of her death.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

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it doesn’t have to be perfect

Have you ever just wanted everything to fall into perfection? I understand that feeling. The success you feel when every single thing works out “just right!” That is mostly not normal life. I have been noticing that more and more as I get older. That expectation often leads to disappointment and frustration! 

I have spent the better part of the past year getting free from a false standard in my head that is not attainable for me.  In the midst of the that freedom I have found myself rising to accomplish things that I never thought possible! I lost weight, I forgave, I laughed more, and I avoided a lot of anxiety attacks. Releasing myself from having to be “perfect” was the very best thing I could have done. Even as I set out to release my CD there is nothing about it that could even be remotely perfect. Its been four years since I recorded it, I have two small children, I have a terminally ill father, and a challenging situation with my brother.  I don’t even personally have the band-width to “have it all together!”

I remember a day in my childhood when I realized last minute that I had a 4-H talk to give that night. My mom and I scrambled to pull together a talk about edible play dough. I think my mom was rather impressed that we got it read in time but the “honest engine” that I was told every one during my talk that we had just “pulled it together that night.” She was obviously embarrassed later when she told me that “we don’t have to tell everyone everything.” My response was “why not?”

We are set up in this world to worry constantly about what people think, what they might think, or trying to avoid them thinking about it all together. We are plagued by their maybe opinions, whoever “they” are.  You actually might know who “they” are. They have already made their opinions known and very apparent. Maybe a kid at school years ago who said you were fat, or a coworker you overhead talking about you negatively, or a fight with your sibling who said all the awful things you feared. We are not defined by these moments. We are not defined by the likes on our posts or the lack thereof. In the stillness there is an opinion that is spoken and that is honestly the opinion that has been changing my life for years. These quiet moments, when I let myself slow down and listen, these are the things that change me. More recently I have heard Him say that I am “precious”… this is not a word I have labeled myself with before.  I have many other opinions of myself.  So I let that word affect me. Precious. Cherished. Loved. Wanted. Seen. Known. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I am still in process. But through that whole process I am precious and loved. There is something about that knowledge that changes how I live, how I go into my day. But then I forget and I try to control. All because I still believe it HAS to be perfect. It has to fall into the lines of life and leak into the outsides. No spilling over here or… or what? What will happen if its not always perfect? Someone will find out that I don’t have it all together? Well I guess then now they have permission to ALSO not be perfect. There. Now we have fixed the worlds problems. Giving each other permission. Permission to be themselves.

Permission granted. Just be you. See what happens. Because we are all in process!

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CD is coming soon!

Okay so its happening, finally! “Untold Stories” EP will be in your hands very soon. Thank you for waiting! Thank you for praying and for giving to this project! I can not tell you how much it means to me. I am so excited to share it with you now.

In May of 2013, I sent out my support letters to begin this project. So many of you faithfully gave to it and prayed for it to happen. I remember the tears I shed before I went to the first meeting to share my songs with my music producer. I believed the lie that my music wasn’t worth making a CD with. I lived with the fear that I am “not enough.” But I pushed through it and we made an awesome EP with songs to share now with you and the entire world. I couldn’t thank the producers or the band enough for this beautiful cd! I am so blessed to have worked with the greats in my book!

The CD itself was finished four whole years ago and I had full intentions to release it by Christmas 2013. And then my life got a bit turned upside down! I fell in love with this amazing man and everything else got put on HOLD. For reals I am not normally one who just lets important things go but engagement and planning a wedding became the most important part. And then it seemed to me in my heart and spirit that it wasn’t just my full life that was putting this work on hold. God was holding this back until the perfect time. I can see that now. I have had the chance to have two beautiful baby boys in the meantime and give my whole focus to them. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world! I will continue to stay home with them but hope to spend more time doing music somehow! There is something special brewing in my heart and more songs to come.

I am so thankful for the chance to share it with you! I will keep you posted and also be looking for a new website. I am almost sad to say goodbye to my good ‘ole blogspot but the time has come to move on!

Even in the midst of everything going on in my life in the past six months I could not be more grateful for this season to be hearing the Lord encourage us to SING and to release music that was birthed in a place of worship, pain, and love for Him. I can not think of a better way to respond to trials! To consider it pure JOY like James says. A heart response that says I am going to turn away this pity party and make it a praise! That has been my question in the midst of this time. God how do I consider this “pure joy?” How do I do that and what does that look like? Well this is starting to sound like another blog for different day! Praying all is well with you!

Blessings and love,

Michelle

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self love and Brene’ Brown

My counselor let me borrow her copy of “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene’ Brown last month. I had honestly not cognitively heard of her before this point. I am usually the one dragging my feet to read or listen to the latest person i am “supposed” to read or listen to. So here I am. I would like to say that she should come with a sign that says “Enter At Your Own Risk” and lots of orange cones because this is not the type of information that you can just read and skip off happily away from. This is deep.

I knew it was going to be heavy so before I could even open the book I watched a couple videos of her off YouTube. Go ahead google her, you will thank me later! I think I watched 3 or 5 of her videos and then I felt like we had become friends or I had least heard her voice enough I can now hear it as I read the book. That helps me allow her to take me into these deep waters! And I told a few friends about her her too and texted them the videos! So now I have them on my page too! I didn’t really want to do all of this alone, now I have a cheering squad.

Here are my favorite videos so far:
Her first TED talk on vulnerability: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
Her second TED talk: https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0
About her daughter: https://youtu.be/h-JBMD4ok-8

Self hatred and rejection have long been something I have battled with. Perfectionism. Running from my story. Longing for another one. Any other story. Wanting to just control one part of life so I could keep it in order so I could feel safe and secure. Or the classic, “I will be who you want me to be so I can belong.” Maybe most people wouldn’t recognize these things in me, probably because I am being someone you want me to be. I don’t know. Mostly because I haven’t shared a whole lot about my past. It becomes challenging when the people involved may read this or be exposed by the writing of it. I am not sure how other people write about those personal things but I am not ready for all of that yet. 
So basically I am saying I don’t have the answers, not even one at this point. Just questions mostly. 
Do you know that if you don’t love yourself you actually can not love others? Not really. The limitation put on my heart to love others stops at how I treat myself. I almost just deleted this whole thing. lol. Well everything after the first paragraph. Oh well. 
“Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.” (GofI pg 27)
What makes me worthy of love and belonging? What makes me worthy? or valuable? Do I think I am worthy? There are days I hate that I still struggle with these questions. Vicious cycle for reals. Let’s settle the question. You are worthy always, no matter what. (GotI pg 24) No. Matter. What. 
I am choosing to be courageous and ask these questions. I am setting aside all the other things that I could be doing or distracting myself with to take a look. 
What does it look like to be affectionate with myself? How would loving myself change my marriage, my parenting? The way I trust and love others? 
I want to at this point explain myself so people don’t think I am depressed lol. But oh well. Even if this is messy I am going to talk about it and do it. We don’t actually have to have it together all the time. I want my two year old and ten month old to understand that. To experience that. To know love and belonging and worthiness deep on the inside of themselves. To not apologize for who they are and their story. How do I make that happen because if I could control it I know I would!! Its this crazy thing called self-love and practicing it. Its more than a break to a coffee shop and buying myself a new tube of lipstick. 
Its the daily conversation inside my head. Its fighting for myself like I know my mom would if she were here. I am worth it. I am letting go and choosing to love me. No matter what happens. Vulnerable and fearless I will be. 
Posted on

missing make up bag

Okay so about ten years ago the Lord really challenged me to do a “makeup feast” where I wore make up and did my hair and all the works every day for an entire month! It was a success and from then on I really started taking better care of myself and also started thinking more highly of myself. I had always struggled so much with self hatred that it was a needed time of heart change! 

So…as a mom it’s been hard to keep that positive outlook on myself. I have had two babies in two years and my body has changed in crazy ways not to mention it’s so challenging to keep myself showered or prettied up at all. Not all moms struggle with that but this mom does. And the hair just keeps falling out!! Yeesh! Since my second baby was born I have just kept my makeup in a bag and thrown it in the diaper bag or in my van and put it on in the parking lot before running into somewhere. 
But about ten days ago my makeup bag disappeared. I have searched pretty hard for it. And so now I guess I am on a makeup “fast” lol. After ten years I am completely make up less. And honestly although I am afraid my exhausted face may scare someone I am kind of happy. I do miss it. But there is a freedom in not wearing it right now. These past almost three weeks have been very stretching for me and the last thing I need to worry about is what someone thinks about my face. So I took this picture and did not put a filter on it just to show that I don’t look horrible! 
It actual proves in some ways that I have grown even more than I realized. I am beautiful in a way that I hadn’t been aware of before. Deep deep on the inside that shines out. God did an amazing miracle for me and saved my brother from death almost three weeks ago. I have such deep feelings of gratitude and love in my heart and it’s changing me. I don’t know how and I know it can’t be measured but something has happened. And I can’t go back. Our story is changed forever. Praise God! 
#makeupfast2017
Oh and since this happened it’s a perfect time to buy some organic natural make up to replace my bad-for-me CG and whatever else stuff. So leave some suggestions in the comments!